


With you by my side

by rokeat



Category: Take That
Genre: M/M, RPF, RPS - Freeform, Slash, donage
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-06
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2017-12-25 20:39:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 47,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/957375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rokeat/pseuds/rokeat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's 1993 and the members of Take That join together in London to prepare what's going to be their next Tour. Howard finds he's starting to feel different about his best friend Jason. But Jason doesn't seem to be having the best of times lately.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

September, 1993

Howard hurried to the airport, the place they had agreed on as a meeting point. He was kind of late, as usual, and he could already hear Nigel’s reprimand in his ears. But he didn’t care; nothing was going to ruin his good spirits today. After a month of vacation he was going to see Jason again. See the boys again, he meant. Had he really said just Jason? He had missed all of the guys, being apart from them after spending so much time together with the second leg of their Party Tour and then the promotion of their first number one single, “Pray”. But who was he trying to fool? He had missed Jason the most. But he was his best friend after all, wasn’t he? Nothing wrong with missing him, right?

When he reached the group, already waiting for him, all he could see were the smiley faces of every one of them –well, except for Nigel’s, of course, but he already expected that because of his lateness–, though he could tell Jason’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. Wasn’t he happy to see him too? Hadn’t he missed him as much as him? But then he remembered: Jason hated flying. He was probably already fretting about that. That’s why he didn’t feel much like smiling or looking happy. And Howard hadn’t made it any easier, making them wait to do the check-in and probably causing Nigel to be short tempered –to which Jason usually got the worse of it, as Nigel didn’t like him very much. Jason had probably already received a telling-off for his evident anxiety regarding planes.

So Howard decided to make it up to him and try to make the flight more bearable for him by taking his mind off it. He approached him and put his arm around his shoulder in a half embrace as they walked towards the boarding area, to which Jason responded with a more genuine smile this time.

“Hey, where did your beard go?” Howard asked as he noticed –and delighted in– Jason’s new look.

“Well, I got tired of it, I needed a change”

“It really suits you, this new look. You look prettier than ever” Howard meant it as a joke –they tended to do this kind of comments to each other without it meaning anything–, though it came out more as flirting. Not that he really minded, though. Jason really did look pretty without that beard. Wait, had he really said “pretty”?

Jason didn’t answer, just blushed a little and gave him a small smile. Was Howard flirting with him?

“So, how was your month away from me? Did you miss me?” Howard only half-joked, truly hoping for an affirmative answer.

“In fact, I did! None of my brothers follow me around all the time as you do, I felt kind of lonely” Jason kept with the joking atmosphere, already feeling better thanks to Howard’s presence. Howard had that kind of calming effect on him. He had a soothing effect on his spirit because he was the only one that really understood Jason was not as unruffled and confident as he appeared to be: it was just that he kept his troubles and anxieties to himself instead of showing them to everybody –well, except of his fear of flying, that was quite evident. Howard knew this and also knew how to take care of it whenever fear or apprehension appeared. He could always count on him whenever the need arose.

“Oh, so that’s what you think of me? Maybe I’ll have to look for someone who appreciates my company more than you do!” Howard retorted, trying to look offended, as he let go of Jason’s shoulders and pretended to leave his side, only to be stopped by Jason grabbing his hand.

“Come on, don’t make me beg, you know I love your company” Jason told him, a little more seriously that he had intended, before letting go of his hand, a little self-conscious. Howard didn’t like the feeling of emptiness on his hand after being filled with Jason’s for a second, but tried to hide his disappointment to keep with his purpose of making Jason’s flight more bearable.

“Ok, if you put it that way...” he told him with a wink of his eye, making Jason smile again, all awkwardness forgotten.

Once on the plane Jason took the window seat, as usual, because it was the only thing that made him feel marginally less nervous –he needed to look through the window from time to time to isolate himself from the people and the sounds and the smells of the plane, of the claustrophobia it provoked, just to control his nerves. The other boys understood and respected that –Gary himself was not a very eager plane-traveller either, though not as bad as Jason–, and hardly ever make a comment about it.

They usually left him on his own, so he could freak out as much as he needed, but Howard could see he was especially nervous today, so he decided to change tactics and sit with him. Jason seemed surprised at this, but not in a bad way judging by the smile he gave him.

“Do you mind?” Howard told him, grabbing the jacket Jason had left on the seat next to him, so he could sit. Jason took the jacket from him and smiled again.

“Of course not. I’m glad for the company”

“You are? We’ve always left you alone because we thought that’s what you wanted”

“Really? I always thought you all left me alone because no one wanted to deal with me when I go crazy”

They both laughed wholeheartedly at the stupidity of the situation.

“Well, that’s what happens when people don’t say what they feel” Jason lectured Howard jokingly, waving a finger in front of his face.

“You’re right, I’ll try to remember that” Howard said, grabbing Jason’s finger to get it away from his face, but not letting go of it once they lowered their hands –not that Jason seemed to mind.

“You’ll do well to remember it, sometimes you seem to have problems to share your thoughts...” Jason told him, more seriously this time.

“That’s because I’m shy, not because I don’t want to share them”

“Even with me? We’ve known each other for over three years now, don’t you trust me by now?” Jason looked trying to sound indifferent, though the truth was he felt a bit offended by this.

“Of course I do! You know if I need to talk to someone, you’ll always be the first one I’ll turn to. You’re my best friend. You know that, don’t you?”

“I know, but still...”

“Would it help if I promise to tell you everything I’m feeling from now on?”

Jason smiled at him before squeezing Howard’s hand, still in his, and then he let go of it to grab the armrest until his knuckles went wide with the power of the grip, as the takeoff started.

“Yes, it would” he said in a soft whisper before closing his eyes and pressing his head to the back of his seat, breathing deep, trying to keep his nerves under control.

Howard wanted to help him somehow, even if he knew Jason would be relatively alright after the takeoff –at least until the landing–, so he put his hand over Jason’s and squeezed it tenderly, showing him his support and his understanding. Jason felt so much better at the contact that he was able to open his eyes to look at Howard and smile at him, and he let the armrest go to entwine his fingers with Howard offering hand. Yes, that was a much better way of handling his fear, that’s for sure.

 

After the takeoff Jason started to relax immediately, and the conversation, the jokes and the laughing were swift to appear. Gary, Robbie and Mark looked at Jason, astounded at seeing him like this on a plane, as he usually sat brooding next to the window. Maybe Howard had done right to sit next to him, and the only thing Jason had needed all this time was for someone to help him take his mind off.

“You’re mine too, you know?” Jason told Howard, unexpectedly.

“Your what?” Howard didn’t know what he was talking about, but it surely sounded beautiful to be Jason’s... something.

“My best friend, you silly” Jason told him with a smile, as realization crept on Howard’s face.

“Of course I know, you silly” Howard answered with a smile of his own.

Jason turned his body around so he ended up resting the side of his head on the back of his seat directly looking at Howard. Howard knew that look on Jason and it could mean two things: either he was going to tell him something serious –which didn’t seem so probable– or he was going to open his heart out to him. That was so typically Jason’s: he was able to talk about his most inner thoughts and feelings without any kind of embarrassment –Howard admired so much this strength of his–, but only to the right people. And Howard knew he was one of the very few fortunate individual to count himself amongst this “right people”, and it made him feel really special.

“I mean it” Jason told him softly. “I don’t think anybody knows me like you do, you can tell how I feel just by looking at me. And I really love that”

Howard felt strangely and absurdly flattered at that. It was hardly the first time Jason told him something really nice, he had always had a way with words, so why all of a sudden did it mean so much to him?

“And you don’t just know how I feel, but usually know how to fix it if there’s something wrong” Jason continued with his praising, still looking intently at Howard, who was having a little bit more of trouble to not just look away because of the intensity in Jason’s eyes and words.

“Well, we’ve known each other for three years now, like you said...” Howard replied, trying to play down the importance of it.

“Yes, but it’s not the same with the other guys. I love them and everything, but they don’t know me as you do. They don’t get me like you do”

Howard felt so overwhelmed by Jason’s words that he was left speechless for a second. He had to breath deep to serenade himself so as not to risk too much emotion on his voice.

“But this just works on both ways. You know me inside-out too. And you always know how to make me feel better” Howard answered sincerely.

Jason gave him one of his million-dollar smiles and patted his knee.

“That’s why we’re so special to each other then, isn’t it?” And with that, he turned again to sit straight on his seat and closed his eyes to rest.

Howard sat there, unmoving, stunned by their conversation. How could Jason say all this amazing things and then act as if nothing had happened? It was so easy for him, it seemed, to talk about his feelings and then act normal. It was not so easy to Howard, though, especially since he had been seeing Jason in a totally different light for some time now, ever since the tour, their first tour, in which they had spent so much time together travelling all around England. Not that he had admitted that to himself yet, but Howard was developing some new feelings for Jason that went far beyond friendship. Even if they were best friends.

When it came the time for the landing –which was even worse than the take off–, Howard took Jason’s hand again without even saying anything and entwined their fingers together. Jason didn’t open his eyes this time, but acknowledged Howard’s support with a nod of his head, grateful for having him at his side.

**********

After landing in London, a couple of taxi cabs took them to the hotel they would be staying for the next few weeks. The plan was to prepare their upcoming tour, called “Everything Changes” to match the name of the album that was going to be released on October. The tour was supposed to start on November, so they had a lot of work to do to make an even bigger show than The Party Tour they had recently finished.

Nigel had decided to bring them to London to have them all in the same place so they could work hard without having the distractions of family and friends as they would have at home. And that way, they could make a few apparitions on TV and radio in London to promote the next album and the next single they were going to release, “Relight my fire” –the shooting of which video would be taking place these days too–, without losing so much time of the rehearsals. So all in all, they were going to have some pretty exhausting weeks, even before the tour started.

Even if they were pretty successful now, after the tour and after getting a number one for the first time, they were still not exactly superstars, so Nigel had decided for them to keep sharing rooms for the time being, so as to make the trip cheaper.

“Ok, guys, should we draw lots for who shares with whom?” Nigel told them as he got the keys to all the rooms after having checked in.

“I think Jay and I should share” Howard said before he could stop himself. He noticed everyone’s gaze falling on him –including Jason’s–, so he had to think rapidly and find an excuse for his suggestion. “I mean... if we both are going to be working together on the choreographies, better to have us in the same place so we don’t have to disturb anyone if we work late. Don’t you think?” He finished with a smile, quite proud of himself for sounding so convincing.

“Well, fine by me. You do it however you want, I’m going to my room. See you tomorrow at breakfast. You are free this evening, go and get dinner wherever you please, but I don’t want any of you to be late for breakfast in the morning, ok?” Nigel told them before turning up to his room.

“Ok, guys” Robbie told the others, “why don’t we leave our stuff at our rooms and meet back here in like five minutes to party?”

“Not to party!” Gary protested. “I want to have dinner first, I’m starving!”

“Yeah, and make it fifteen minutes instead of five, I want to unpack my clothes first” Jason added.

“Gosh, you lot are no fun...” Robbie lamented as he started following his band mates towards the elevators.


	2. Chapter 2

Jason was carefully taking his clothes from his suitcase and hanging them on the wardrobe as Howard laid on his back with his hands behind his head, just passing the time lazing on his bed and staring at a never-still Jason every time he was not looking.

“Is watching me arranging clothes that interesting that you don’t even feel the need of looking for another entertainment?” Jason said with a smile without even lifting his gaze from what he was doing.

Howard smirked at having been caught when he thought he was being all the wiser, but he was not one to be embarrassed easily so he didn’t care that much and didn’t even bother to look for an excuse.

“And by the way, shouldn’t you be unpacking too?” Jason asked, looking at him this time.

“No, there’s no need for that. When I need something I grab it from the suitcase and that’s all”

“But everything will get all crumpled that way, we’re staying here for several weeks”

“It doesn’t matter because I’ll still look incredibly irresistible” Howard said with a mischievous smile.

“You’re incredibly modest too!” Jason answered with a laugh.

“I know, but that’s why you love me” Howard said, batting his eyelashes mockingly at Jason.

“Yeah, right” Jason answered sarcastically, with a big smile on his face “That’s exactly the reason I love you”

“Aww, how sweet, you just admitted you love me, even if you have other reasons for it”

Jason chuckled, amused he had been tricked into Howard’s game.

“You think you are so smart!” he said, grinning.

“Yeah, that too. Seems I am a pretty good match, all in all”

“You’re too big-headed for your own good, you know” Jason advised him teasingly as he tidied the last of his things and closed the now empty suitcase. “Should we get going to meet the lads?”

“At last! I thought you were never going to finish!” complained Howard with a smile as he jumped out of his bed.

“Not that I don’t appreciate it, but you didn’t have to wait for me” Jason said, honestly.

“And what, miss the pleasure of your company? Never” Howard said as he passed him by, giving him an unexpected playful slap on his rear on his way to the door. Suddenly, though, he turned around to look at Jason somewhat more seriously. “Jay, is it alright with you that I suggested we should share a room? Maybe I should have asked you first”

“No, it’s alright. Why wouldn’t I be okay with it?”

“I don’t know, it’s just... I practically forced you, didn’t I?”

“Well, it didn’t feel like that to me, I could have said no if I wanted. Although I have to say I was a little surprised, we usually just drew lots to see who shares with whom”

“I know, but... I just felt like sharing with you this time. We already established at the plane that we’re special to each other, don’t we?” And with that, Howard was out the door, not giving Jason the chance to say anything more.

Jason felt a bit confused about Howard’s behaviour lately –even since before the holiday, on their last days of their previous tour–: one minute he was totally normal, being his best friend with all the joking and the chatting they were used to. And then next minute he was all affectionate and tender and attentive with him. Not to mention all this flirting and double-meanings of lately. Not that Jason didn’t like this new relationship that was developing between them. It was probably the next step in their friendship, being this close and everything. But surely something was changing. In a good way, he thought with a smile as he followed him out of the room and to the elevators.

**********

Just as they had agreed, the five boys met again at the lobby of the hotel, anxious to put a good dinner away –especially Gary– and to have a great time. They knew they would have a lot of hard work to do on the weeks to come and Nigel wouldn’t give them too many free nights, so they had to make the most of the one they had.

“Ok, boys, where do you think we should go?” Mark asked the others.

“What about...?” Gary started.

“Let me guess!” Robbie interrupted him. “Mmmm... Japanese?”

“Yes! I just happen to know this place...”

Mark, Jason and Howard all groaned loudly at this, and then burst out laughing at Gary’s slightly annoyed expression. He had recently discovered Japanese food and it was all he wanted these days.

“Ok, if you don’t accept suggestions why do you ask?” Gary told them, sulking.

“Oh, come on, Gaz, don’t be like this! We’ll go to that Japanese of yours” Mark, always the peacemaker, conceded.

“Yes, but only if it has a nice pub near so we can have some drinks after” Robbie added.

“It’s in a trendy part of the city, I’m sure there’ll be a lot of places to go after”

“Yes, but we don’t want to drink too much or Nigel will have our hides tomorrow morning” Mark only half-joked as they started towards the entrance of the hotel.

Howard thought he had seen Jason’s smile diminish slightly and noticed he was lost in his own thoughts as the group walked down the street, so Howard worried –just as he had done at the airport, when he first arrived– that something was going on with him that he hadn’t said. So he just approached him and smiled at him, to which Jason responded with a smile to match.

“Are you okay?” Howard whispered to him, so the others wouldn’t hear.

“Sure” Jason answered with surprise. “Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, you were looking kind of... far away”

“Well, I’m right here. Don’t worry, mate.” Jason told him with a grateful smile, and then he turned to the others. “Gaz, where the hell is this place?” he asked with a much louder voice as he took a run-up and jumped on Gary’s back for a piggyback.

Everyone laughed at Jason’s antics, even Gary after making a facade of falling under Jason’s weight. Howard laughed along them and hurried to catch up with the group, but he couldn’t help to have a sense of foreboding that something was not entirely right with Jason.

**********

After having dinner at the Japanese Gary had suggested, they moved their party to a discotheque near the hotel, though the truth was they had already had quite a bit of sake at the restaurant and were feeling a bit high-spirited. That’s why Gary, Mark and Jason refused to get any more alcohol –they were quite sensible and they knew they had to get up early the next day. Robbie and Howard, unfortunately, decided to give priority to pleasure over good sense and ordered some drinks for themselves. They would worry about hangover tomorrow.

They all had a great time dancing –even Gary, surprisingly enough– at the club. Jason and Mark, both very fond of dancing and just the right amount of intoxicated as to have a great time without losing it, started dancing together mockingly, as Robbie and Howard, quite drunk already, went to get more drinks. As they made their way back to the other guys, Howard, even in his inebriated state, was surprised to feel something worryingly similar to jealousy creeping into him at seeing Mark dancing so close to his Jason. Wait, his Jason? Wow, he had crossed the line tonight with alcohol. But even as he thought this, his feet involuntarily moved towards his friends and he placed himself between Mark and Jason, facing the latter and putting his free-glass hand around his neck, bringing him close. Mark, who kind as he was obviously didn’t see this as a marking-territory action, just turned around to dance with the other two –though Robbie by now could hardly stand on his feet. Jason, on the other hand, looked at Howard’s eyes, not much more than an inch from his, a bit suspicious about Howard’s actions.

“What was that about?”

“Don’t you rather dance with me?” he asked as he nuzzled Jason’s neck, causing him to laugh wholeheartedly –and Howard felt warm inside at feeling the vibrations of his laugh in his neck.

“You’re so drunk!” Jason laughingly accused him.

Before Howard could answer at Jason’s amused assertion, Mark touched his shoulder to get his attention, making Jason turn around brusquely and Howard almost fall over, face first, after losing his support source. Luckily for him, Jason was quick enough to stop his fall putting his arms around him, to which Howard didn’t miss the opportunity and enveloped Jason with his arms too.

“Wow, careful!” Jason exclaimed, grinning widely.

“Jay, I was going to tell you we were going to the sitting area so Robbie could rest for a while, but seeing this” Mark said, pointing at Howard “maybe it would be a good idea for you too to come with us”

“I guess you’re right. Come on, How, can you move your feet?”

“I could move much more than my feet, if you wanted” Howard answered, trying to sound seductive but only achieving comicalness because of his drunken state –he noticed that when Jason and Mark both burst out laughing, annoyingly enough.

“Ok, your feet will do for now. Come on, I’ll help you”

Well, at least he still got to have Jason’s arms around himself as they walked...

The three of them made their way to where Gary and Robbie were already sitting. Jason helped Howard to one chair as Mark took the other one that was left.

“I’ll go find another chair” Jason told them as he moved to go, but Howard grabbed his wrist and stopped his movement.

“Don’t bother! Here, sit at my lap!” Howard told him, happy at himself for having such a wonderful idea.

“Yeah, right” Jason answered ironically with a laugh, but Howard’s strength was quite powerful, even in this state, so he tugged Jason’s arm and grabbed his waist, forcing him to sit at his lap. He then put both his arms around Jason’s waist so it was impossible for him to move away –not that he would be able, as he was too busy laughing.

“See? Bet you don’t miss a chair now”

“Yeah, tell me about it when your legs go to sleep under my weight”

“It will have been worth it all the same” Howard said, resting his forehead against Jason’s back, euphoria already starting to disperse.

“Guys” Gary told them, basically directing himself to Mark and Jason, as the other two were pretty much out of it. “Maybe we should get going. These two desperately need some rest if they want to be alive tomorrow morning”

“Ok, I’ll take care of Howard, you help Mark with Robbie” Jason told Gary as he took Howard’s arm to get him to stand and put it around his shoulders. “Come on, Dougie, I’ll take you to bed”

“Wow, shouldn’t we at least have a date first?” Howard mumbled and then burst out laughing at his own joke as Jason chuckled affectionately.

“Yeah, well, ask me again when you can stand on your own feet”

“I will, ‘cause you are... pretty. Very very pretty. Hey guys, doesn’t Jay look pretty without that ugly beard?” Howard’s slurred question was accompanied with a wet kiss to Jason’s cheek.

“Ok, we better start moving before he asks you to marry him” Gary chuckled, helping Mark with Robbie, who was practically asleep on his feet by then.

“Hey! I would make a great husband!” Howard told Gary, trying to point his finger at Gary to reassert what he was saying but failing.

“I’m sure you would” Gary said, laughing at his friend’s state.

"Will you marry me, Jay?" Howard yelled.

**********

“Ok, there you are, now sleep it off” Jason told him as he let Howard fall on his bed and took his shoes off for him. Before he could move away from his side, Howard grabbed him by the arm and pulled so that Jason was forced to sit on the bed (or to fall on him, but he preferred to sit).

“What are you doing?” Jason told him with a chuckle. Drunken Howard was quite funny.

“Don’t leave me” Howard told him with a pout.

“I’m not going anywhere, I was just going to my bed. In case you haven’t noticed, it’s just over there, not even four feet away. See?” Jason couldn’t help but to tease him affectionately, even if he knew Howard’s inebriation would keep him from getting the sarcasm.

“It’s too far away. Lay down here with me”

“In case you haven’t noticed, these beds are not all that wide...”

“Pleaseeeeee” Howard pleaded, only causing for Jason to chuckle again.

“Okay, stop whining and make room for me”

Howard faked moving to the far side of the bed, but actually he didn’t move an inch so Jason would be forced to lie down very close to him. If Jason noticed that, he didn’t say anything, and he laid down on his side, facing Howard. Howard turned on his side to face Jason too, and both of them realised how close their faces were, although neither one of them made a movement to separate.

“Ok, I’m here, now what?”

“I don’t know. We could... tell each other our most inner secrets”

“What?” Jason asked, laughing wholeheartedly, causing Howard to smile at this. Howard really loved Jason’s laugh, especially if he was the one causing it.

“That’s what we agreed on, right? On the plane” Howard told him as he moved his hand to the hair behind Jason’s ear and started playing with it. Howard always got really physically affectionate when drunk, Jason thought, though he had to admit Howard’s touch felt quite nice.

“You’re right. But I don’t have anything to explain right now”

“You could start with why you don’t look as happy as you did while on tour”

“What do you mean?” Jason asked, surprised, though he should have known if someone was going to see beyond his pretence of everything being fine, that would be Howard.

“I mean... you look... sad or something” Howard mumbled even as if his eyes were already closing under the weight of slumber.

“Maybe we should talk about this when you’re slightly less intoxicated” Jason told him with a fond smile, even as he was already moving to stand up, though Howard’s slurred voice stopped his movement.

“You know you can count on me, right? You know I love you?” Jason almost felt tears to his eyes at Howard’s honest words, but then a loud snore broke the moment and told him that his friend had already fallen asleep, so he could only chuckle. He stood up and went to the wardrobe to get a blanket to cover him with, as he was laying on top of the covers. He tenderly covered him up to his shoulders and with a fond smile he crouched down to kiss his forehead.

“I love you too” he whispered to him as he fondled Howard’s long hair and then moved to his own bed, hoping sleep would find him too before dawn.


	3. Chapter 3

“How, are you awake? Come on, rise and shine” A sweet and tender voice whispered right next to Howard’s ear bringing him from the land of dreams. Howard knew who this melodic voice belonged to, and there was nothing he wanted more than to answer to Jason, but not one part of his body seemed to want to respond his brain’s orders. He felt as if his mouth was full of cotton and as if his limbs weighted a tone each. Finally he was able to lift his head slightly and the only sound that came out of his mouth was a loud groan for the horrible pounding caused by the movement.

Jason stopped folding his pyjamas to look at him and gave him a small smile, as he sat down on his own bed facing Howard.

“I see I don’t need to ask you how you’re feeling”

“Just kill me. Be a nice mate and kill me now, please” Howard wailed, feeling miserable.

Jason chuckled as he stood up again to help Howard get up.

“Come on, up and to the shower! I took the liberty of getting everything ready for you, even your clothes, so your only job will be reaching the bathroom. Think you’ll be able?”

“You’re a saint, you know that?” Howard mumbled as he dragged his feet towards the shower.

“If you saw how miserable you look, you’d take pity on you too” Jason joked.

Howard’s only answer was a grunt, which only made Jason chuckle again.

The tepid water of the shower made him revive a little, though the pain on his head was really horrible –not that he weren’t expecting, last night he and Robbie had drunk as a fish. Not like the other three boys. Surely not like Jason, who was looking wide awake and refreshed.

Thinking of Jason started bringing back memories from the night before. He remembered having kind of a drinking competition with Robbie. He remembered dancing. He remembered grabbing Jason and nuzzling his neck. Gosh, did he have no self control? And then... no, he must have dreamt this, he would have never forced Jason to sit on his lap and then proposed to him, right?

However embarrassed he might be feeling right now, it still felt great to know he had held Jason in his arms, that he had had him on his lap, that they had laid together in bed... Wow, he should stop his thoughts right there. Better make it a cold shower.

“Howard?” Jason’s voice came from outside the room, accompanied by a soft knocking on the door. “You okay in there?”

“Yes!” he yelled, and immediately regretted with a guttural groan as the pounding in his head got worse. He continued in a much softer voice. “Yes, I’m okay”

“Okay, it’s just that you’ve been there for a long time now, and we are already late as it is”

“We’re late? I’ll be out in a second. Go ahead, I’ll meet you there. No point in both of us getting into trouble”

No more answers from Jason reached his ears, so he supposed he had listened to him and gone to meet the other guys and Nigel. Oh my God, Nigel. He sure wasn’t going to be happy with him and Robbie –who he supposed should be doing as bad as himself. Better not to give him more ammunition against him, Howard thought, so he hurried to finish and get dressed with the clothes Jason had picked up for him –how nice could that lad be?

When he got out of the bathroom, he was surprised to find Jason there, reading, sitting on a chair next to the desk.

“What are you still doing here?”

“Well, I would have been late all the same, so I thought I’d wait for you so we could be late together” Jason told him with a smile as he put a mark on the book he was reading and left it on the desk.

“I’m sorry you’re going to be late because of me. I know how much you hate being late”

“Well, I can make an exception for you” Jason told him, tenderly smiling at him again.

There he was, being all nice and sweet to him again. Maybe Howard hadn’t embarrassed himself so bad the night before. Jason surely didn’t seem to be uncomfortable or pissed with him. Nevertheless, Howard felt he needed to make sure everything was alright between them, and to apologize if it was necessary.

“Jay, not that I really remember much about last night, but... should I be apologizing about something?”

“Apologizing? To me, you mean?” Jason asked, totally surprised.

“Yes, I have the feeling I was a bit too... affectionate, to say the least”

Jason chuckled at this and stood up from the chair to gently push Howard towards the door.

“Don’t talk nonsense, mate. I know you get very loving when you drink. No need to apologize” Jason told him reassuringly. “Besides, you were only joking, right?”

Howard hesitated a second before answering, even though Jason didn’t notice. It was getting increasingly difficult to lie to himself about his growing feelings for Jason.

“Yes, of course, I was only joking” Howard told him, with a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

He had never lied to Jason before.

**********

When they reached the hotel dining room, they immediately spotted the others on a table on the corner. Robbie was wearing sunglasses and had an elbow on the table so he could hold his head straight. He was pretty much the picture of misery. Mark and Gary looked fine enough, though it was clear that the atmosphere on the table was not very friendly. Mark made Jason a sign with his eyes to warn him about Nigel’s mood, though Jason didn’t need it: he could clearly see Nigel was absolutely fuming as he watched them approach the table.

“I thought I had made it clear I didn’t want anybody late for breakfast” Nigel told them, in a low but terrifying voice, so as not to attract other’s people attention but to make his point clear.

“Yeah, we’re sorry, we were just...” Jason apologized even if it was not really his fault, but he knew Howard’s quite probable headache would made it difficult for him to give proper explanations so he took the lead. Nigel, however, didn’t let him finish.

“I don’t want to hear it. I expect you to obey when I give you an order”

“Look, we’ve just been like ten minutes late, I don’t think it’s such a big deal” Jason replied, tired of Nigel ever-sour mood.

“Don’t even dare to talk back to me!” Nigel raised his voice a little this time, but realised the stares he was receiving from other tables, so he lowered his voice again. “Congratulations, you have just screwed the only thing you were good at, punctuality”

Nigel’s words contained so much venom in them that none of the boys –including Jason– were able to say anything because of the astonishment at hearing them. Jason just lowered his head and sat on his chair, and just started eating what he had in front of him. Howard sat down too on the chair in front of him and looked at him. He made a pretence of coughing to get Jason’s attention and when Jason raised his gaze he mouthed “I’m sorry” soundlessly. Jason just shook his head in negation, trying to look indifferent to Nigel’s reprimand, and mouthed back “don’t be”. Howard, though, couldn’t help but to be incredibly guilty about it.

“Ok, I’ll see you in the gym in five minutes” Nigel told the boys as he stood up from his chair. “And I really mean five minutes, okay?”

Everyone grunted their answer, as no one was feeling very talkative towards Nigel right now. When he was gone, both Mark and Gary send sympathetic glances towards Jason, who pretended not to notice and just hurried up to finish his breakfast. Robbie’s head chose that moment to lose the support of his hand when he nodded off and almost hit the table, provoking a laugh from everybody at the table and helping relaxing the tense atmosphere of seconds before.

“What?” Robbie asked, when he noticed everyone looking at him and laughing.

“Nothing. Come on, let’s go” Mark told him as he put his arm underneath Robbie’s to help him stand.

As Gary, Mark and Robbie started their way towards the gym, and Jason was already cleaning his mouth with his napkin before standing up, Howard picked up his hand across the table.

“Jay, I’m sorry”

“I told you it’s okay”

“But it was my fault you were late, you shouldn’t have taken such a telling-off for me”

“Howard, it’s nothing I haven’t gotten before of him okay? I’m used to it”

Howard squeezed Jason’s hand sympathetically and he gained a small smile from him before he stood up.

“Come on, we don’t want to be late again” Jason advised as Howard finished off the last of his coffee and followed him.

**********

“Ok, boys, you already know how this is going to work. Jason and Howard, you can both start with the choreographies for the new songs we haven’t played live yet” Nigel ordered, to which both Howard and Jason nodded. “And the rest of you will go to my room to work with me, and we’ll start to decide which songs to include, how we are going to do it... We need ideas to make a bigger show than the tour we’ve just finished. So come on, everybody knows what to do”

Nigel left the room, followed by Gary, Mark and Robbie, who by their sorry faces they looked as they were going to a funeral –who would feel like spending the morning with Nigel in the mood he was in?–. Howard and Jason, on the other hand looked at each other and Howard expired quite soundly to demonstrate how relieved he was they were going to be far from that man for a good while and Jason laughed, gratefully. Then they moved to the part of the room that had a wall covered with mirrors, so they could start with the routines. They had a stereo to play their new CD, that wouldn’t be released until next month, so they could dance to the music.

They spent more than two hours working nonstop, thinking about new ideas, creating new routines, practising their break dancing skills... They were having a really good time, Howard thought –they were dancing and they were together, what was more to ask? Especially if he got to admire the way Jason’s body effortlessly swayed to the music. Wow, he should stop that trail of thoughts there, this was his best friend, for God’s sake!

They were listening to _Whatever you do to me_ and Howard had an idea for the chorus.

“Jay, look, how about this?” Howard said extending his arm and moving it horizontally in front of him from one side to the other.

“As in _Greased lightning_? Robbie is going to be happy about it” Jason joked.

Howard chuckled at this.

“You’re right, I hadn’t realised I was copying _Grease_. Must be because I’ve always wanted to be like Travolta”

“You’d do a nice Travolta” Jason stated, with an impish smile.

Howard took this affirmation as a challenge and took Jason’s hand to make him spin until he was standing with his back to Howard, with Howard’s arm around his waist, their hands still together. Jason almost didn’t have time to notice how good it felt to be held like this by this man –almost, mind–, when Howard pulled his hand and made him spin again, until they were standing again in front of each other at arm’s length. Neither of them made any movement to let go of each other’s hand for a few seconds, though.

“Now I look like a Travolta”

“Does that make me an Olivia, then?” Jason joked, causing Howard to laugh wholeheartedly.

“I wish we could dance rock ‘n’ roll on the tour” Howard said, when the laughter allowed him, sitting down on the floor to rest for a bit.

“Why don’t we?” replied Jason as he knelt in front of Howard, clearly very excited about it.

“Why don’t we what?” Howard asked, confused.

“Have a little rock ‘n’ roll. You know, we need something funny to do in the middle of the concert, an off-the-wall section as Gary calls it, like the Apache silliness on the last tour, didn’t we all agree to that?”

“Well, you’re right about that, we need something funny, but... we are not supposed to be thinking new stuff, our job is to choreograph the already existing songs”

“I know, we’ll just explain the idea to them so they can work on it if they want. But wouldn’t it be great?”

“But Nigel said no dancers aside of ourselves”

“Who says we need them? We’ll do it”

“We? As in...?”

“As in you and me, we. I’ll even dress as a woman if it’s necessary, I don’ care. I’m supposed to be Olivia anyway, am I not? Come on, it would be so much fun!”

Jason’s enthusiasm was contagious, especially after seeing him so down just hours before, and a smile started growing on Howard’s lips. He really couldn’t deny Jason anything, could we?

“Well, okay, we’ll suggest the idea to them and see what they think about it”

“That’s all I wanted to hear!” Jason yelled as he jumped from the floor, animatedly. “And now come on, we’ve got a lot of work to do! I have a great idea for _Relight my fire_ , it would go like this”

Howard chuckled affectionately at Jason’s passion as he watched him dance. He might have been subdued these days, but let him dance for awhile and everything will be alright again. He became so spellbound seeing the way Jason’s body moved that he hadn’t even notice he was waiting for him to say something.

“Come on, old man! Are you tired already?” Jason joked at seeing Howard still on the floor.

“Old man? You’re going to pay for this” Howard pretended to be angry, standing up to look more threatening.

“See? I got you standing up! Now what do you think of that?” Jason asked as he showed Howard again the same moves.

“I think it looks great” Howard told him with a big smile –gaining a bigger one from his friend–, and then accompanied Jason with the dancing.

**********

Two hours later, the other boys and Nigel appeared again at the gym, looking quite bored after spending all the morning talking and making decisions.

“Hey, guys” Gary told them, trying to sound jovial to cheer the atmosphere a bit. “Weren’t you intending to have lunch?”

“Yeah, we came to get you, as you didn’t seem to remember the way to the dining room” Mark joked.

“Oh my God” Jason exclaimed “is it that late already?”

“It seems we lost track of time” Howard told him with a smile.

“How did the dancing go?” Nigel interrupted, not in the mood for being nice.

“Well, we had this wonderful idea for the middle of the show...” Jason started enthusiastically, though Nigel abruptly stopped him.

“Having ideas wasn’t your job, right? You just had to dance”

“And we did, for hours”

“Then stick to what you know how to do”

“Nigel, couldn’t we just listen to their idea? It might be good for the show” Gary tried.

“I thought I had made it clear what I wanted from each of you. Now, let’s go get some lunch” Nigel ended the conversation and went out of the gym, followed by the boys. Jason picked up a small towel to dry the sweat on his face and neck resulting from hours of dancing, and then he threw it to the floor on frustration before going out of the gym himself. Howard, swiftly reaching his side, put a hand to his shoulder and squeezed it sympathetically. The situation was getting out of hand and Jason was getting the worst part. Howard didn’t know if he was going to be able to stay away from it, as Jason wanted, anymore.

**********

At night, Howard awoke to the nervous and continuous rustling of sheets on the bed next to his. He looked at his watch and thanks to the moonlight entering through the window he could make out it was close to three. Had Jason not fallen asleep yet?

“Jay? Are you awake?” he asked very softly, in case his perception had been wrong and he was asleep.

“Yes, I am. Did I wake you? I’m so sorry” he apologized sincerely as he sat up on the bed to look at his friend.

“Don’t worry, you know I’ll fall asleep again in no time” Howard joked, aiming to make Jason feel better. “What is it, with all this tossing and turning? Are you okay?”

“I just can’t seem to fall sleep” Jason answered with a sigh.

“Is there something troubling you?”

“I don’t know, my mind just won’t stop working”

“Is this about Nigel?” Howard asked, hesitantly.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, he’s being awful to you these days”

“He’s just like always”

“No, it’s been worse and you know it. Has something happened between the two of you?”

“Something like what?” Jason asked evasively.

“I don’t know. You tell me” Howard answered, quite aware of the evasiveness on Jason’s anwers.

Jason seemed to hesitate for a second, and Howard noticed it. Jason was hiding something from him and he didn’t like it one bit, especially knowing it was hurting Jason in some way and he didn’t know how to help him.

“We had a... disagreement over something and he didn’t take it very well. I guess he’s just making me pay for it”

“But we can't let him treat you like that, we could...”

“No” Jason interrupted Howard firmly. “We are not going to do anything. Besides, it’s not that big a deal. You know how he is, he’ll get over it and things will return to normal”

“And so what, you have to take his abuses until he gets tired of them?”

“Come on, How, let’s not be dramatic. It’s not that bad” Jason answered, trying to make light of a situation that actually was frustrating him pretty much.

“If it’s not that bad, how come you are not able to sleep because you can’t stop thinking about it?”

“You know I always overthink everything, this is not news to you, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s not just that. I can tell you’re not really okay, even if you pretend to be. And I can see how Nigel makes you feel about yourself”

“How, I appreciate your worry, but really, it’s okay. I’m okay”

“If you’re sure...” Howard said, not quite convinced but knowing pressing Jason about it would get him nowhere right now.

“I am”

“I wish I could help you”

Jason smiled at him, hoping he would see it with the little light that was entering through the window.

“You have already helped. I feel better already. Maybe I just needed to talk to you”

“Really?”

“I promise. I’m even starting to feel sleepy” he said as he laid down again and hugged his pillow to him.

Everything felt silent again, but a minute later Jason’s melodic voice filled the room again, even if it was only a sleepy whisper.

“Thank you, Howard. I’m so lucky to have you”

Howard didn’t answer, in part because he was too moved to say anything, in part because there was no need. He was sure Jason knew by now he was as important to him as Howard was to him. Or even more. He started to think of the relationship they had shared for more than three years now and realised Jason had been the most important person to him in all that time.

Great, now he was the one with an hyperactive mind that left him unable to sleep. He looked at his watch again and saw that it was close to four now and he didn’t feel sleepy at all. He couldn’t stay in bed anymore, he felt he needed to stretch his legs, so he got up to go to the bathroom, careful of not doing any sound, as Jason’s deep and rhythmic breathing told him he was asleep at last.

When Howard came back from the bathroom, he approached Jason’s bed and stood there, marvelled at the feelings growing inside his heart by just looking at this wonderful and beautiful creature, sleeping at last. He was lying on his stomach, with his face to the side and his shoulder sticking out of his covers. Howard sighed, keeping back his urges of sitting at Jason’s side and caressing his hair. He adored the other guys in the band, they had become quite good friends in this time together and they all laughed together like crazy most of the time. But it was different with Jason: there was something about him that made him feel at ease, as if they had known each other all their lives. Jason was kind, intelligent, funny and, above all, generous: he was always ready to help or to cheer up anyone who would need it, Howard being always his first priority. And Howard loved that about him. In fact, he loved it so much that he was starting to fear the feelings he was developing for Jason went now beyond friendship.

Howard surprised himself for finally admitting that to himself. He had never felt like this about any other guy before. Not that it was a problem for him, though: it didn’t matter if Jason was a man, he was a breathtaking and amazing person and that was all Howard cared about. His reticence towards telling Jason about his feelings came from other reasons.

He wondered if he should tell Jason any of this: yes, he knew he could talk to Jason about pretty much anything and he would listen and offer his best advice. But this was different, because it involved him: what if he didn’t feel the same and it made him feel uncomfortable? And what if their relationship changed because of that? Howard didn’t think he could take it. At least as friends they were around each other all the time, enjoying each other’s company. He didn’t want that to change, he couldn’t take the risk.

And there was the band to think about too. It would be too difficult to work with each other if they had a fall out, for them and for everyone else involved. Not to mention the impossibility of a loving relationship between two members of the band, if Jason happened to return his feelings. It was all too difficult.

But then he looked at him, so serene and beautiful in his sleep, and his heart started beating faster again. What he felt towards Jason was more powerful that any difficulties they might find in their way. And everything could turn out well too, couldn’t it? Jason deserved to be loved and to be taken care of as the wonderful person he was –even though Jason himself couldn’t see it right now because of Nigel’s wickedness–, and Howard knew he was the right person to do it.

So with that thought in his head, he couldn’t resist himself anymore and very softly he brushed Jason’s hair gently from his forehead –to which he stirred, but not completely woke up–, covered his shoulder properly and returned to his own bed with a big smile on his face, deciding that tomorrow would be the day he was going to tell Jason about his feelings for him.


	4. Chapter 4

When Howard woke up the next day to an alarm clock he didn’t remember having set the night before, his first thoughts went to Jason –not that this was any news, as it had been happening for some time already– and he decided to tell him straight away what he felt for him. Why to wait for something he was so desperately wanting? So it was quite a disappointment when he saw Jason’s empty bed. And the door to the bathroom was open wide and there was no light in it, so he was not in there either.

So it was with quite a bit of frustration that Howard got up and started towards the bathroom to have a shower, but he couldn’t help the smile that broke on his face at seeing Jason had left him a note on his bed before leaving. Good morning, mate. Sorry I haven’t waited for you today, but I woke up pretty early and I don’t feel like staying in bed any longer, so I’m going for a walk. As you should have already noticed, I set the alarm for you so you won’t be late for breakfast. I’ll see you at the dining room, don’t be late. Love, Jay xxx.

Howard’s smile grew even bigger after reading Jason’s note. Only he would apologize about not waiting for the other. And he was always so thoughtful, setting the alarm for him because he was not going to be there to wake him up himself. And that ending to the note: Love, Jay. Yes, “love” and “Jay” were two words that really matched. Everything Jason did only added more reasons for Howard to want to talk to him as soon as possible. He looked at his watch: maybe if he hurried enough, he would get to the dining room before the other boys arrived and have a moment alone with Jason.

He had a shower in record time, got dressed and hurried to the dining room, hoping none of the other guys had made it yet –except for Jason, of course. When he arrived, he looked at the table where they usually sat and his heart started beating like crazy that Jason was there alright, and he was alone, so the time for talking had arrived. Howard breathed deeply a couple of times to control his nerves and then walked decidedly to the table where his friend –or something more soon, he hoped– was sitting. When he passed by Jason, he put his hand on his shoulder to squeeze it and smiled at him when Jason looked up from the book he was holding.

“Good morning” Howard told him as he sat down in front of him.

“Hey, mate. You’re early”

“Yes, thanks to your alarm clock”

“Yes, but even so. I set it for like ten minutes ago. Don’t tell I woke you when I left, did I?”

“No, don’t worry, I’ve got a deeper sleep than that, you know that. No, I hurried because I was hoping to find you alone, so we could...”

“Morning, boys!” Mark greeted them warmly as he came to the table, interrupting Howard.

“Morning, Mark” Jason answered with a smile, though Howard only mumbled annoyingly.

“You both are early risers”

“We just didn’t want to risk it again” Jason joked, although there was a little bit of truth in his words.

“Look, here comes the others” Mark said, as he sat next to Howard.

“Everyone’s here, then” Jason replied jovially.

“Yeah, how great” Howard mumbled sarcastically. Jason looked at him quizzically, but Howard just smiled at him as if nothing had happened.

Howard was feeling a little irritated that it was so soon in the morning and his plans to confess his feelings to Jason had been ruined twice already. He needed to get this heavy weight of his chest... But then a smile broke on his face when he realised something. He was going to spend the whole morning alone with Jason, as they kept working on the choreographies. How had he not realised that before? It looked as if his new feelings for Jason were clouding his intelligence...

“Boys” Nigel tried to get their attention, “I thought today we could all start learning the dances, don’t you think? We don’t want to leave it too much. So Howard, you and Jason could start teaching the others what you already have, okay?”

“Are you kidding me?” Howard exclaimed quite loudly, exasperated because of his third frustrated chance in a row, before he could help himself. He noticed what he had done when he saw five pairs of eyes looking at him in confusion. “I mean... that’s great, I can’t wait!” he said, looking overexcited to compensate.

“Ok” Nigel said, puzzled, “I’m glad you’re so excited about it”

Everyone returned to their breakfast, thinking he was going mental, as he lowered his head and pretended to concentrate on his plate. He felt a burning in his cheeks that he suspected was caused by a deep shade of blushing. And on top of that, he could sense someone’s gaze was still on him, and he had the strongest suspicion it would be Jason’s. But he felt so embarrassed that he didn’t find the courage to lift his head and continued eating silently.

When the conversation on the table began again and everybody was talking with someone, Jason put his hand on Howard’s across the table, and the latter couldn’t ignore him any longer, so he finally raised his gaze to meet that of Jason’s.

“Are you okay?” Jason asked him worriedly and softly.

Howard forced a smile –that he very much doubted would fool Jason– and nodded, not trusting his ability to talk coherently just yet. The fact that Jason was being so nice to him didn’t help any. But well, they shared a room, he would have a chance sooner or later, wouldn’t he? It was just that he would have rather sooner.

**********

Gary, Mark and Robbie spent a good couple of hours trying to learn what Jason and Howard had prepared for them. Jason and Howard, being the wonderful dancers they were, sometimes forgot that the other weren’t and made routines a bit over their possibilities. But it always ended okay: Mark would have no problem at all; Robbie just needed a bit of practise and patience; and Gary... well, Gary would sing, so he didn’t have to do all the routines, didn’t he?

At noon they made their way to the dining room, all of them pretty tired and hungry. Howard was still a bit grumpy, but had relaxed slightly at the thought of having Jason to himself all night. To talk, he meant. A silly smile broke on his face at the sentence _having Jason to himself all night_. That would be a nice resolution for the conversation he had in mind, that’s for sure!

Jason, sitting in front of him, as always, noticed the sudden goofy smile on Howard’s face. Though glad his friend seemed to be in a better mood than all morning, Jason was puzzled at the unexpected change, and he couldn’t help but to ask.

“Hey, why are you smiling?”

Howard turned all red at noticing he had been caught daydreaming, and by no less than the person causing said daydreaming.

“I’m...” Howard mumbled, trying to find a good excuse for his behaviour. “I’m just glad how things went today with everyone. I think we did a good job with what we’ve choreographed until now”

“We did, didn’t we?” Jason replied, excitedly. You only have to get him into a dancing conversation and he is all yours, Howard thought with a fond smile. “I can’t wait to do some more. I know we were supposed to have the afternoon off to rest, but would you like to get started?”

Howard’s face light up at the perspective of having Jason to himself sooner than he had expected, and in a situation where he was the most happy he could be.

“I’d love to” he told him with a smile.

“Really?” A joyful grin broke on Jason’s lips. “You don’t have to feel forced...”

“Jay” Howard interrupted him, widely smiling “I said I’d love to”

“Ok, then we have a date” Jason joked, oblivious to what this kind of jokes provoked on Howard.

Nigel interrupted their conversation to keep talking about the upcoming tour –did that man never give it a rest?

“So boys, have any of you thought about the funny section on the middle of the show?”

Gary looked at Howard hesitantly. Howard had explained the rock ‘n’ roll idea to him earlier, while at the gym, and asked him to present it to Nigel as if it was his own. He knew there were much more possibilities that Nigel would like it if he thought it came from Gary, and Howard only wanted to do it, because he knew how much Jason wanted it.

“Well...” Gary started, feeling bad about appropriating of an idea that wasn’t his, even if he had been asked too. “The boys and I thought than we could do a rock ’n’ roll medley, with Elvis or Jerry Lee Lewis songs, with a bit of _Grease_ dancing...”

Nigel contemplated the idea in his head, nodding distractedly as he liked it more and more.

“It would be fun and it wouldn’t involve much expenses... It’s a good idea. In fact, I think it’s a great idea, Gary!”

“Yeah?” Howard asked ironically, not being able to stop himself. “Well, it was Jay’s idea. The idea you didn’t want to hear yesterday”

Jason looked at Howard in surprise. When had Howard become his protector? And in front of Nigel, no less.

Nigel seemed quite annoyed at having been fooled and at admitting that an idea that had come from Jason had been described as a great idea by himself. But he couldn’t show to the boys his indignation, so he tried to make light of the situation.

“Well, it doesn’t matter whose idea it is, we’ll start working on it” and with that he settled the question and stood up to go. “Well, see you boys tomorrow, you have the rest of the day off”

“Hey, Jay, I need your help” Robbie said, all of a sudden.

“What is it, Rob?” Jason asked, amused.

“I don’t seem to get the routine you taught us this morning right. Could you help me with it? I don’t want Nigel getting angry at me when I’m not able to do it tomorrow”

“Yeah, of course. How” Jason turned to Howard now “can we leave our plans for later? I’m sure it won’t take Robbie and me that much time”

Howard reluctantly admitted to himself that today was not his lucky day.

“Yeah, sure, whatever”

**********

After lunch, Jason and Robbie had come back to the gym as they had agreed on, and Mark and Gary went to the swimming pool to have a nice bath. They invited Howard to accompany them, but the truth was he was not in the mood. He was annoyed and frustrated about how his plans had been blown up one time after the other, and he was still nervous about the conversation he knew he was going to have with Jason sooner or later. So he just wandered about the hotel: he would spend a while on the common room watching TV, then he would turn to the bar to have a drink –non-alcoholic, of course, he had had enough of that two days ago to last for some time–, then he went to his room to have a nap –though he was not able to sleep–...

After a while he came out of the room on his way to the bar again when he passed by Mark, Gary and Robbie coming back from the swimming pool. Wait, Robbie? What the hell was he doing there?

“Robbie, what are you doing here?” Howard asked, confused and strangely irritated.

“I’m coming back from the swimming pool, these guys said they had been there too long and didn’t want to stay any more”

“But what were you doing on the swimming pool? Weren’t you supposed to be at the gym, with Jason?”

“Yeah, but we finished a while ago. Oh, shit!” he exclaimed, suddenly. “I forgot! He asked me to tell you he would be in the common room, if you wanted to meet him”

“And you tell me now?” annoyed Howard looked quite threatening and Robbie gulped, afraid.

“I’m sorry” he told him with a guilty smile, hoping Howard would forgive him.

“You’re an idiot sometimes” Howard tried to say jokingly –after all, it was nobody’s fault he was feeling so frustrated–, but it came out a bit more serious than he had intended. Well, he would apologize later, he thought as he moved to the elevators.

**********

He found Jason alright at the common room, sitting on a sofa with his nose on a book, as always, his longs legs extended all along the sofa. Howard smiled at the picture: Jason looked so cute when he concentrated... Gosh, I’m turning into a sentimental bastard with this Jason thing, he thought, as he approached Jason. He lifted Jason’s legs tenderly and sat at his side, resting his friend’s legs on his own lap.

“Hey, Jay”

“Hey, How” he answered with a big smile, as he closed the book. “I feel like I haven’t’ seen you all day”

“Well, it’s not a feeling, we hardly saw each other, at least you and me alone, did we?” Howard answered, slightly annoyed because of how the day had gone.

“Is everything alright? The little I’ve seen of you today you’ve been... acting strange”

Howard sighed deeply, to encourage himself.

“Look, I’ve meaning to talk to you”

“Of course, you can always talk to me, right?”

“Yeah, but this is kind of... difficult to say”

“Did I do something wrong?”

“No, my God, no. Quite the contrary”

Jason took Howard’s hand in his and squeezed it. When Howard lifted his gaze to look at Jason’s face, he found an encouraging smile there, and he knew it was now or never.

“How, what is it?”

“Well... you see...”

“Hey, guys, at last I find you” Gary interrupted them jovially, unaware of how inopportune his arrival was. Howard rolled his eyes, not really believing this was happening again. “Were you hiding or something?”

“Gaz, you can’t have looked for us too good, then, because we are exactly where I told Robbie we would be”

“Ok, the truth is I just started searching” Gary told them with a smile. “The fact is Nigel wants to see you, Jay. I think your Mum called or something”

“My Mum called?” Jason repeated, a sense of worry already setting on his heart, Howard could see by the way he took his legs out of Howard’s lap and sat upright. “Did he say what it was about?”

“No, he just wants to see you”

“Ok, I’ll just go and see him. How, can we talk later?” Jason felt guilty about leaving without having ended his conversation with him.

“Of course, go ahead and see what this is all about” Howard answered him, reassuringly.

Jason got up from the sofa, kind of abruptly, and Howard grabbed his hand for a second before he flew. Jason turned around to look at him.

“I’m sure everything’s alright”

Jason nodded and smiled gratefully and then he was gone.


	5. Chapter 5

An hour had gone by and still there was no sign of Jason, and therefore Howard was starting to get nervous. Maybe his Mum’s call was about something serious. But he was sure Jason would come and see him if something was up, right? After all, he was his best friend. Well, whatever the cause for Jason’s disappearance was, Howard found he couldn’t keep waiting for him in the common room or his anxiousness was going to kill him, so he decided to go to the gym and do some practising of the brand new choreographies. Maybe Jason would have the same idea and would appear later on.

So it was quite a surprise when he arrived and found that Jason was already there. But he was not dancing in front of the mirror, lost in his own world perfecting some routine, as Howard would have expected. He was sitting on the floor, with his back to the mirror-covered wall, his knees close to this chest with his arms over them. His face was hidden behind his arms, so Howard couldn’t see it, but he could tell there was something wrong by Jason’s posture.

“Jay?” Howard asked tentatively, closing the door behind him and slowly approaching his friend.

Jason seemed to jump at Howard’s voice bursting in his thoughts, so absorbed in his own thoughts that he had not heard Howard coming into the room. He raised his head and rubbed his eyes quickly, making Howard suspect there had been tears there.

“Hey, How. I was waiting for you, do you want to do some more practice?”

Howard knelt at his side and laid a hand on Jason’s arm.

“Is everything alright, Jay?”

“Sure” Jason answered unconvincingly as he moved to stand up, but Howard, gently grabbing his arm, stopped his advances.

“What’s wrong?” Howard pressed him.

“Nothing’s wrong, I already told you”

“Yes, but I didn’t believe you. You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Of course, and I’m very grateful to you. It’s just...” Jason didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

“Just what?”

“This is something I have to sort out on my own”

“Can’t I help?”

“I’m afraid not” Jason whispered, slowly shaking his head.

“Can I be a shoulder to cry on at least? Maybe you’ll feel better if you talk about it” Howard was desperate to help him in any way he could. He couldn’t stand seeing him like this.

“I’m not sure if I should tell you”

Howard looked a bit offended by this.

“I thought you trusted me”

“I do!” Jason hurried to assure, feeling guilty about hurting Howard. “It’s not that I don’t trust you. It’s just that I don’t want you to get involved”

“Look, you’re starting to worry me. Are you in any serious trouble or something?”

Jason smiled fondly at Howard.

“Not in the way you think. At least it doesn’t involve anything illegal, if that’s what you were wondering”

“Then please, let me help. Let me decide if I want to get involved or not”

Howard could see the indecision in his friend, so he didn’t say anything more to give him the time to make his mind up for himself. Jason sighed loudly and then looked at Howard right in the eye.

“Do you think I’m useless?”

“What?” Howard asked in complete shock and with a bit of sadness that Jason would feel that way about himself. “Of course not! Why would you think that?”

Howard was appalled to see some tears glistening in Jason’s eyes, even though he didn’t let them fall. Howard wanted nothing more than to make it all better for him somehow, at least to offer him his comfort, but he didn’t know if Jason would find it inappropriate for Howard to embrace him, so he contented himself to put a hand to the back of Jason’s neck and gently stroke the skin there.

“Nigel” Jason answered, his voice shaking slightly.

“What’s wrong with Nigel now?” Howard asked, though the truth was that he was pretty fed up of Nigel’s ever-present dislike when it came to Jason –something he really couldn’t understand, because what was there not to like about Jason?

“He told me I’m replaceable, that I should be more careful or he’s going to throw me out of the band”

“What? Why?”

“He says I have no talent at all, and that he could find a thousand better dancers than me in Manchester. That if the only thing I know how to do is cause trouble, it’s not worth it to have me in the band. He said it as if he was doing me a big favour letting me stay” Jason swiftly caught a tear that had escaped his eye down his cheek, a little embarrassed about letting emotions get the best of him, but didn’t seem to be able to stop talking now that he had started. And this was Howard, who knew him better than he knew himself, Jason knew he wouldn’t judge him. “I just asked him if I could go home for the day and be back tomorrow. You know my mother called, my little brother Dominic had an accident with his motorbike. Nothing too serious according to Nigel, but I needed to see for myself. I didn’t think it was too much to ask for”

Howard squeezed Jason’s shoulder sympathetically as he sat down next to him: he knew how important family was to Jason, and how big everything got when he was away from them. The fact he was away from them in time of crisis, even if it was a little one, was horrible to him. So Jason, in desperate need of some comfort, rested his head on Howard’s shoulder. Howard took it as a sign and finally put his arm around Jason’s shoulder, resting his own head on top of Jason’s.

“I’m so sorry, Jay”

“I know”

“If there’s anything I can do...”

“You’re here” Jason softly said, knowing it summed up all the gratefulness he felt at his friend’s presence.

Howard could not form any words, so he just kissed Jason’s temple. He knew what Jason needed at the moment was the company and support of his best friend, and not to receive romantic propositions that he wouldn’t know how to answer to. Howard sighed deeply: it was not the moment for him to tell Jason about his feelings. The important thing now was to help Jason in whichever way was possible. Not to create more worries for him. So he would have to hide his feelings for a little longer, at least until Jason’s problem with Nigel was solved. It wasn’t going to be easy to pretend, but his priority was for Jason to be okay.

“So what did your mother say?” Howard asked him.

“I haven’t talked to her yet. I don’t have the guts to tell her I can’t go”

“She’ll understand, she always does. She’s great”

“I know, she’ll probably tell me not to worry and to keep with our plans, but that will only make me feel worse. But you’re right, I should give her a call”

“Do you want me to go with you?”

“Do you mind?”

Howard’s only reply was to smile and stand up, offering a hand to Jason to help him up.

**********

When Jason phoned home, his mother wasn’t there obviously, as she was in the hospital with Dominic. So Samuel –another member of Jason’s big family– gave him the number to Dominic’s room at the hospital and Jason phoned there.

Howard stood at Jason’s side as he used the public phone at the hotel’s hall, though he was looking away from him to give him some kind of privacy –even though he knew Jason wouldn’t mind him hearing it, as he had asked for his presence himself. Howard could only hear Jason’s part of the conversation, but he could tell he had pretty much guessed what his mother was saying about him not worrying at not been able to go home. He was even able to talk to Dominic for a minute, as it was true that the accident had not been serious, and he seemed to be telling Jason not to worry too, though Howard noticed Jason’s voice almost breaking because of his desire to be there, so he squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

When Jason hung up the phone, he breathed deeply a couple of times to calm himself. Howard smiled at him, and gained a little smile in return.

“Feeling better?” Howard asked him gently.

“Yes, thank you for making me do it”

“I only suggested it, the merit is yours” Howard told him, dismissively, as he guided him to the sofas of the common room to sit and relax for a while.

As they sat in the same sofa as they had a few hours ago, Howard couldn’t help but feel that Jason hadn’t explained everything to him yet, that there was something else troubling him. After all, he had just talked to his brother and knew he was basically okay, but he was just as sad looking and uneasy as before.

“Something tells me you haven’t told me everything about your problems with Nigel”

“What do you mean?” Jason said, trying to look as if he didn’t know what his friend was talking about.

“Nigel has always been a silly bugger, especially with you, I know that. But he’s been much worse since we came back from our holidays. Did something happen between the two of you?”

Jason sighed shakily. He knew he couldn’t keep hiding it to Howard. He knew him better than that.

“You remember the party we had the last day before the holidays? The one we threw to celebrate the ending of the tour and the Pray number one?”

“Of course. Well, I remember we threw a party, but I don’t remember much of the party itself, we had pretty much too drink, I seem to recall” Howard said with a smile, as Jason chuckled.

“Well, you guys did. I didn’t drink that night ‘cause I was on medication for that horrible cold I’ve got, remember?” At Howard’s nod, he continued. “So I was probably the only sober person in there that night. At least Nigel was pretty drunk too, enough to make him talk more than he usually would”

Howard didn’t like one bit where this conversation was going, but decided to remain silent so Jason could explain freely.

“He approached me when none of you were aware of it and asked to talk privately, so we moved a bit away from all the people and the noise from the party. I asked him what he wanted and he told me...” Jason stopped his explanation, obviously embarrassed about how things had gone that day. Howard picked up his hand and smiled at him to encourage him, so Jason went on, even though he didn’t felt able to look at Howard’s eyes. “He told me he had fancied me from the beginning and that he would like to... well, you know” Jason only whispered the last words.

“He didn’t... try anything, right?” Howard asked hesitantly.

“No, nothing like that” Jason reassured him, and Howard sighed, relieved. “He made a move to kiss me, I stopped him and he understood, and that was all”

“Son of a bitch...” Howard exclaimed before he could do anything to stop himself, causing Jason to smile amusedly at Howard’s overprotection –though it seemed more like jealousy, didn’t it?

“He didn’t do anything wrong, really. He made a move on me, I told him no and he accepted it”

“Even so...” Howard insisted.

“The problem came later. Next day he asked me to meet him at his office. I thought he just wanted to apologize and, although I didn’t see any need to, I went to see him. And when I arrived he told me I was out of the band”

“What?” Howard couldn’t believe his ears.

“He told me he was very dissatisfied with my performance at the tour, and adding that to the fact I can’t sing at all and that I am a very difficult person, well... I was out”

“You know none of this is true, right?” Howard wanted to make sure Jason didn’t believe any of this bullshit Nigel had thrown at his face, but Jason didn’t answer to his question and instead kept with the story.

“I asked him if that had anything to do with what had happened the day before, ‘cause it pretty much sounded as he was doing out of spite, and... He denied it had happened, How. He denied everything, as if I had made it up. But I swear it happened” Jason implored Howard to believe him.

“Jay” Howard tried to reassure him with a squeeze to his hand, which still was in Howard’s, “you don’t have to convince me. I believe you”

Jason smiled at him, gratefully. Obviously Nigel had diminished his self-steam and the confidence on others’ opinion of him lately.

“I practically begged him not to throw me out and he finally gave in. I think maybe he really had no intention of firing me from the beginning, but just wanted to hurt me because I had rejected him. And he’s been horrible to me ever since, while I have to be grateful he lets me stay... because he’s right” the last words were told in a whisper, almost to himself, but Howard caught them.

“He’s right about what?” Howard asked, though he pretty much figured what Jason was thinking. It was not the first time Jason questioned his contribution to the band. The last thing he needed was Nigel undervaluing him like this.

“You know what? It doesn’t matter”

“Of course it matters, I’m not letting you go thinking the worst of yourself”

“Ok, if that’s what you want” Jason answered him, slightly irritated about being forced to talk about things he didn’t want to. “How is Nigel not right?”

“He’s right at nothing. How can you doubt your contribution to the band? You’re the best dancer I’ve ever known, and you choreograph everything we dance, which is a lot”

“You could do it on your own if I wasn’t here. You’re a terrific dancer, plus you can sing and write music”

“You’re ten times a better dancer that I’ll ever be. Nigel only told you there are a thousand better dancers in Manchester out of sheer spite, ‘cause he couldn’t stand being rejected and because he doesn’t’ like the fact you don’t let him control everything in your life, not because he really thinks so. Do you think he would have picked you up in the first place if he didn’t think you were worth it? Remember how he threw that other guy out of the audition without contemplation? But he picked you”

“Yes, because apparently he fancied me”

“Of course he fancied you, who wouldn’t?” Howard immediately realised what he had said and try to divert Jason’s attention from it. “But that doesn’t mean he didn’t appreciate your talent.

“I don’t know...”

“Well, I do. And it’s not just that. You’re the heart of the band. I’ve always thought that, even if I have never told you this before. You are the glue that keeps us together: you get on great with everyone, you always help and cheer everyone up, you always have good advice for whoever needs it, you make us keep our feet on the floor... And you’re the only one with the guts to stand up to Nigel. Without you, who knows what we would have been dragged in sometimes...” Howard said, only half joking with the last thing he said.

Jason kept looking at Howard intensely. There was something about Howard that had changed over the last few weeks, ever since the second leg of the tour, and especially since they joined together again since their holiday. It was not that he couldn’t count on him before, he was already his best friend after all, but now it seemed as if Howard’s full occupation was to make him happy and to be by his side. And just thinking about this warmed Jason’s heart greatly, although he really didn’t know why.

Jason’s own attitude towards him had subconsciously started changing, too, he suddenly noticed. Weeks ago he liked spending time with Howard, as he was funny and they got along great. Now he craved for that time together, it seemed as he couldn’t have enough of Howard, of his easy –and beautiful– smile and his quick humour. But well, he guessed that’s what happened with friends as close as they were, right? Although he was not so sure if it was that common to think about your friend’s smile and define it as beautiful...

“A band is not only about the music, and you’re very important to us, don’t forget that” Howard insisted.

“You really mean that?” Jason asked, hopefully.

“Of course I mean it. And if Nigel really doesn’t see it that way... well, the hell with him. You can ask the other guys and I’m sure they’ll tell you the same I just did”

“I don’t care about what they think as much as I care about what you think” Jason said, without even realising it, making Howard’s heart beat faster. God, Howard thought, that beautiful bastard was making it too difficult to hide his feelings. “I feel like lately I keep saying it all the time, but thank you, How. For being here” Jason finished, leaning over Howard and planting a kiss on his cheek. Yes, he was a bastard alright, Howard thought.

**********

When Howard and Jason made it to the dining room a while later, the other three boys of the band were already there, waiting for them and Nigel.

“Hey, boys” Mark and Robbie greeted them effusively.

“Hey, Jay. Everything alright with your mother?” Gary asked Jason, sitting at his side.

“Well, one of my brothers had an accident with his motorbike”

“Is he alright?” Mark asked for the three of them, clearly worried.

“Yes, he’s in the hospital, but it’s nothing too serious, apparently, just a broken leg and some scratches”

“Are you going to see him?” Robbie asked.

Jason looked at Howard before answering, and Howard winked an eye at him.

“I would have liked to, but Nigel didn’t give me permission”

“He didn’t?” Gary asked, surprised, to which Jason only shook his head.

“Well, you should ask him again. We’ll help Howard with the dances until you come back. It won’t be the same, obviously, but still...” Gary offered, the other two nodding effusively.

Nigel chose that moment to arrive at last –apparently it was okay to be late when it was him the one being late– and greeted them, but before he sat Jason asked him if they could talk in private.

“Does it have to be now? I’m hungry”

“It will only be a second”

Nigel sighed loudly, as if he had to do a very big effort, but reluctantly accepted so as not to look bad in front of the others, and the two of them moved a bit away from the table they were all sitting.

“Okay, be quick”

“Nigel, I wanted to talk to you about my brother again...” Jason started, shyly.

“Can’t I even have dinner in peace without you bothering me with the same thing?”

Jason was a bit taken aback, but decided to insist again, as he thought Nigel couldn’t hate him so much as to be so unsensitive.

“I would only be away for a day, and the other boys agreed to help Howard with the choreographies while I...”

“Are you deaf or do you have problems to understand what I say? The other boys have their own tasks, and the choreographies are the only thing you do for the band, do you want to fail in that too? You and I have already talked about what would happen if you didn’t make a bigger effort, and now you want to go away for such a silly thing?”

“My brother being hurt isn’t silly” Jason replied, trying to control his anger.

“I don’t see how your presence there is going to make anything better. I don’t think your presence makes much of a difference in any place. You know you are falling behind with the routines, right?”

“That’s not true, we are doing it in good time”

“Says who? They should already be finished”

“You know that’s impossible, there are a lot of new songs”

“I only know that I want them finished, and that I’ll hold you responsible if they are not in two days”

“Two days? Are you insane?”

“Watch your mouth when you’re talking to me. I’m warning you: your stay on the band is hanging by a thread. Do as you are told and I’ll let you stay”

Jason tightened his fists to remain calm at Nigel’s insolence, as he knew he was right: his stay on the band was hanging by a thread because it was in Nigel’s hands.

Nigel saw that Jason was not going to say anything more and turned to the table, where all the boys tried to hide the fact they had been looking at them all the time. Jason turned on the opposite direction, towards the door, and at seeing this Howard stood up and called him loudly.

“Jay, are you not having supper?” Howard asked, worriedly.

“No, thanks, I’m not hungry. I feel like going for a walk. See you guys later”

“Leave him, seems the princess gets offended when he doesn’t get his way” Nigel told after him sarcastically, loud enough so as to be sure Jason would hear him, but Jason didn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply and was out of the door before anyone could say anything more.

Howard felt like punching the lights out of Nigel at seeing him having dinner, cool as you please, while Jason had to go away so as not to be near him. Howard thought about following him, but he knew Jason needed to be alone for a while to come to terms to whatever Nigel had told him. Howard had never hated anyone, but Nigel surely was making a great job to be the first.

**********

Three hours later, Howard was lying on his bed, unable to sleep. He was worried sick about Jason, who still had not made an appearance after the nasty incident with Nigel. Howard was not worried about something happening to him, but about how he must be feeling right now. He knew how sensitive Jason was and how much everything affected him. He surely was somewhere alone, just over thinking everything, maybe even believing Nigel’s venom-full words, missing his family and feeling lonely and useless.

Howard had promised himself to wait for Jason awake, in case he needed him when he came back, but finally sleep won the game and he couldn’t resist to it. When he finally closed his eyes, Jason had still not appeared.


	6. Chapter 6

Howard awoke to the morning light entering the room through the window. He stretched his limbs lazily and then looked at his watch. Damn, it was late! Jason hadn’t woken him up today nor set the alarm for him. Well, even Jason couldn’t be that perfect, he thought with a smile.

Howard jumped out of the bed to hurry up getting dressed and his heart missed a beat as he noticed Jason’s bed hadn’t been slept in and there was no trace of him having being there since the day before. Could it really be that he had been out all night? Howard started to worry that maybe something had really happened to him, because no way he was going to be walking all night, right? So Howard hurried even further to get dressed and ran downstairs to the dining room, hoping against hope Jason was there.

When he reached the door to the dining room, he just poked his head out to see if Jason was there. He didn’t want to be seen in case Jason wasn’t there, as he didn’t want to set any alarm if he wasn’t or to cause him any trouble if Nigel found out Jason had spent the night out. He looked at the table they usually sat on and he could well see two empty chairs: Jason’s and himself’s. Where the hell could Jason be? Howard was dying with worry by now, but he had to get himself together and look for him. No use in fretting, for all the he knew, he could be at the hotel.

The first place he looked was the common room, but he was not there. Neither was he at the bar or at the swimming pool. Howard decided to try for the gym as his last resort. He didn’t know what he would do if he wasn’t there.

Howard felt like sobbing from relief when he opened the door and found Jason there, safe and sound, dancing in front of the mirror. He couldn’t decide if he should give him a slap for causing so much worry to him or embrace him at the relief he was okay. He opted for an intermediate solution and contented himself with just scold him a little.

“Where the hell have you been?” Howard said loudly as he closed the door, getting Jason’s attention and giving him quite a fright.

“How, I hadn’t heard you” Jason offered with a shaky smile

“That doesn’t answer my question” Howard told him, not ready yet to give in on his annoyance. “I was worried sick, you know?”

“I’m sorry. I was working on the choreographies” Jason said dismissively, turning away from Howard now that he was standing next to him.

“You’ve been here all night?” Howard couldn’t believe it as Jason nodded slowly. “Are you mental? Haven’t you slept at all?”

“I didn’t feel much like sleeping, so I thought I would make the most of it”

Howard’s anger started to vanish as once again worry crept into his chest.

“You must be exhausted”

“I’m okay, one night without sleep won’t kill me”

“No, but make it several of them, you’ve not been sleeping well for some days”

“I didn’t know you kept count” Jason joked, trying to divert Howard’s attention, but he was not to be fooled.

“Does this have anything to do with whatever Nigel told you last night?”

“I just couldn’t sleep, Howard. Can we leave it there?”

“No, we can’t leave it there. I can tell you haven’t been working all night out of choice. So come on, out with it” Howard ordered, making it clear that he wasn’t going to get away with it.

“Sometimes I hate that you know me so well” Jason said, only half-joking, and Howard had to chuckle at that.

“Nice try to change the subject” Howard answered with a smile, making Jason sigh.

“Nigel threatened me again with chucking me out of the band if the choreographies weren’t finished in two days. So I’ve been working on them all night to speed things up.

Howard nodded slowly, as he had pretty much figured something like that would be behind Jason’s disappearance.

“I must say I’m pretty disappointed on you” Howard said, making a big effort to stay resolute about what he had to say so Jason would understand, even though it became very difficult for him when he saw the pain in Jason’s eyes at his words.

“Why?” Jason asked, totally downcast now.

“Because you have completely ignored me as your workmate and as your best friend”

Jason looked at Howard, not understanding what he meant but really aching inside about having hurt Howard while trying to do things right.

“I don’t know what you mean” he said, in a small voice that almost made Howard yield.

“The choreographies are my job too, yet you decide to do them without me. That’s how you ignored me as your workmate. And then you have a problem and, instead of talking to me, you disappear without a word, forgetting our promise of just days before of always talking to each other about our feelings. That’s how you ignored me as your best friend”

Jason felt tears starting to form in his eyes, but he didn’t want to let them fall so Howard wouldn’t have to feel guilty on top of everything Jason had provoked.

“I didn’t want you to feel ignored” Jason tried to explain himself, because he couldn’t stand being at odds with Howard. “But we know the real problem is not the choreographies being done in two days. Nigel is just putting me to the test and I had to respond to it, not you”

“But can’t you see that I just want to help you?” Howard asked, a little exasperated.

“And can’t you see I’m trying to protect you?” Jason asked him, practically shouting. He immediately felt embarrassed about his outburst –and about his too honest words– and lowered his voice, turning around so as not to look at Howard. “I don’t want you to get involved, I’d never forgive myself if Nigel had it in for you too because of me”

Howard understood everything all of a sudden. While he was trying to help Jason and protect him from any harm, Jason was doing the same for him. What a soppy pair they made, he thought. Howard walked around Jason and put himself in front of him again. He put his finger under Jason’s chin and gently forced him to lift his face and look at him.

“You don’t have to protect me. I am old enough to make my own decisions and to look out for myself”

Jason smiled at this, slightly more relaxed at seeing Howard’s disappointment on him had left his eyes,

“So it is alright for you to protect me, but I can’t do the same with you?”

Howard chuckled, nodding. Jason had got him there.

“You’re right. You’re right, we are both idiots. What do you say we start from scratch and from now on we let the other make his own decisions?”

“Sounds great” Jason answered, this time with a bigger smile.

“But our promise to be honest with each other still stands, right?”

“Right”

“Ok, so now how about you start showing me what you’ve been working on all night?”

Jason’s smile grew even bigger as he took Howard’s hand for a second to squeeze it and then let go of it to start showing Howard his work. He was extremely tired, but having Howard by his side made it easier to go on.

Not more than twenty minutes later, the other three boys and Nigel appeared at the gym, apparently looking for them, as they hadn’t seen them at breakfast. When Nigel asked them where they had been, Howard just made an excuse about them wanting to get an early start –without specifying if they had had breakfast or not– and suggested they showed him some of their moves to him.

Nigel just ordered the other three to keep practising the routines they had already learned at the other end of the gym, as he stood in front of Howard and Jason. They started showing him some of their choreographies and Nigel was looking at the choreography taking place in front of his eyes intently, as he always did with everything about the band. Nothing escaped his control, ever.

They were dancing for a good ten minutes when in one of the turns, Jason sensed his head go light and felt as if his legs weren’t able to hold his weight any longer. His knees suddenly buckled and he would have ended on the floor if not for the quick intervention of Howard, who fortunately had noticed the colour drain from Jason’s face just before he lost his strength.

“Jay!” Howard exclaimed, frightened, as his arms went around Jason’s waist to stop his fall, feeling Jason’s head fall on his shoulder, not unconscious but totally spent. An uncomfortable anger crept into him as he noticed Nigel hadn’t moved a finger to help them, even though he was standing right in front of them and had been a witness to everything.

“Guys!” Howard yelled to get the attention of the other three boys all across the room. “Could one of you lend a hand to me? Jay’s not feeling all that well”

The three of them turned around at Howard’s call and their hearts skipped a bit when they noticed Jason standing only because of Howard’s grip on him. They ran to them and Robbie grabbed one of Jason’s arms to put it around his own shoulders, Howard copying the action with Jason’s other arm, and between the two of them, they half carried Jason to a chair next to the wall and sat him down on it.

Howard immediately knelt at his side, keeping a hand at the small of his back in case he needed the support. With his other hand, he moved Jason’s sweated fringe out of his forehead, a little more lovingly that he had intended, as the other three boys hovered around them worriedly.

“Jay, how are you feeling?” Howard asked, looking at him intently.

“I’m okay, don’t worry, guys. I just feel a little light-headed”

“Ok then” Nigel interrupted. “One of you go and get him some water so he can refresh himself and continue with the choreography”

“No!” Howard protested, not able to believe Nigel would be so mean. “He’s exhausted, can’t you see it? He can’t go on today, he needs rest”

Everybody remained astonished because of the shock caused by Howard’s outburst. He was shy and hardly ever contradicted any of Nigel’s orders, so it was quite surprising to see him confront him with such determination.

“How” Jason caught his attention with a hand to his cheek. “Don’t worry, I feel better already, I’ll be able to continue in a second”

“No way you’re going to keep dancing today” Howard told him in a much more soft and caring voice that the one he had directed at Nigel a second ago. “You’re going to our room and you’re having a rest. Did you have any breakfast today?”

“No, I plain forgot”

“Just as you plain forgot to have dinner yesterday, am I right?” Howard reprimanded him softly.

“Probably” Jason answered dismissively, with a hint of shame on his voice.

“Think you can walk? I’ll help you to our room”

Howard put his arms around Jason’s waist and helped him stand up and start walking towards the door, letting him lean on his chest as much as he needed.

“Some dancer you are” Nigel said with a disdainful voice as the pair passed him by on their way to the door, “if you end up like this after only a bit of rehearsal”

“A bit you say?” Howard replied with venom on his voice, turning around to face him.

“How, let it go” Jason whispered to him.

“No, I won’t let it go! You didn’t know he’s been up all night dancing, right?” Howard reproached, turning again to Nigel. “With no sleep and no food on him so as not to lose any time of working, did you know that? No wonder he’s exhausted, you should be ashamed of yourself for putting so much pressure over him”

And without waiting for a reply –not that he would have gotten any, as Nigel had been left speechless– he turned again to the door, Jason still in his arms.

**********

“Okay, now you have a long nap and then when you’re feeling more rested I’ll get you something to eat” Howard told him as he helped him sat down on his bed and then he knelt in front of him with a hand on Jason’s knee.

“How” Jason told him, covering Howard’s hand with his own. “Don’t worry, I’m okay”

“No, you are not okay. You almost fainted there, you know?”

“I’m just a little bit tired...”

“No, you’re exhausted. It was not very intelligent of you to spend the night working without even having anything to eat first” Howard scolded Jason, mostly because of the unpleasant feeling seeing Jason like that had left in his chest.

“I... didn’t think”

“No, the hell you didn’t”

“How, please. Don’t get angry at me. Not you”

“I’m not angry” Howard reassured him, squeezing his knee. “It’s just... you scared the hell out of me”

“I’m sorry”

“I don’t want you to get sick. You have to take care of yourself, you can’t keep going on like this”

“I have to do it”

“No, you don’t. I know why you do it, and I understand, but to hell with Nigel. You are not alone in this”

Jason gave him a small but gratefulness filled smile and he leant over to plant a kiss on Howard’s cheek, leaving his hand on the back of Howard’s neck a little bit longer than necessary.

“Thank you, How. I wouldn’t be able to do this without you”

Howard felt the all too familiar now butterflies flatting their wings on his chest. He knew it was not the moment to act on his feelings for Jason, but it was getting harder and harder everyday to pretend he was not falling in love with Jason.

“I’m the one who can’t do this without you, that’s why I don’t want you falling sick on me. Now lay down, come on” Howard said, gently pushing him down by the shoulder as to make him lay down, although he met resistance.

“Could you...” Jason started to ask, but stopped himself, hesitantly.

Howard sighed loudly and then smiled.

“I thought we had a pact about not having troubles to say what we want to say”

Jason smiled, and took courage to ask what he wanted of Howard.

“Could you stay with me?” he mumbled, kind of embarrassed of feeling this vulnerable.

Howard’s smile only grew bigger and he moved to sit on Jason’s bed with his back to the headboard. He accommodated himself there and then made an inviting move with his hand, to which Jason smiled. All awkwardness forgotten, he finally laid down, resting his head on Howard’s lap, using his legs as a pillow.

“Thank you. You’re too good to me” Jason said, looking up to meet Howard’s eyes.

“Schtt” Howard tried to cut down Jason’s appraisal. “You would do the same for me. Just rest now” As he said that, Howard brought a hand to the top of Jason’s head and started caressing his hair. He tried to tell himself that he was only doing it to make Jason sleepy and to comfort him, but the truth was that to have Jason’s hair between his fingers felt beautiful and intimate.

The next time he looked down at Jason’s face resting on his leg, he saw he had already fallen asleep, with a soft and contented smile on his lips.

Half an hour later, with neither one of them having moved at all from their joined positions, Howard heard a soft knock on the door and then it opened very slowly, letting Gary’s head pop. When Gary saw Howard was there he entered slowly and silently and pointed at Jason’s sleeping form with his head.

“How is he doing?” he whispered to Howard.

“He’ll be okay, he just needed some rest” Howard whispered back, as he turned his gaze down to fondly look at Jason again.

“Do you want me to help you move him so you can get up?”

“No, thanks. I think... I think I’ll stay here with him for a while”

Gary just smiled at him.

“Ok, as you wish”

“He... he needed the company, you know?” Howard felt the need of to justify himself for being there with Jason’s sleeping head on his lap. Gary, though, didn’t seem to need any explanation about it, as he was looking for answers to another question.

“Is there something going on between him and Nigel?”

“No offence, mate, but it’s not my place to talk about it”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. I’ll leave you too alone then, I don’t want to wake him. Is there anything you need?”

“Yes, could you please pass me my walkman? It’s right there, on my nigh stand. I was getting kind of bored until you came”

Gary chuckled softly and handed the walkman to Howard.

“Anything else?”

“Yeah. Tell Nigel neither Jason or I will be showing up today. He desperately needs to rest and I’m not going to leave him alone”

“Okay, mate. Although he is not going to be happy”

“I couldn’t care less. Besides, Jason has done way more than his share today, you can tell Nigel this”

Gary nodded, though he was not happy to confirm there was something going on between Nigel and Jason, and Howard was in some way involved.


	7. Chapter 7

When Jason woke up again he could see that the sun was very high in the sky, so it was probably well past noon. That meant he must have slept a good three or four hours, and clearly in a very deep sleep. He hadn’t slept that well for days! He must have been really tired, he thought. But then he turned his head around and noticed that what he had supposed to be his pillow, was actually Howard’s leg. Even if he didn’t want to admit it to himself, that was probably the reason for his deep and healing sleep.

When he stretched his limbs to get the drowsiness out of his system, he looked up and saw that Howard had already noticed he was awake and was taking off his headphones with a big smile.

“Morning, sleeping beauty. Or should I say afternoon?” Howard teased him affectionately.

Jason’s response was a big smile and a deep, tired sigh, as he sat up to sit next to Howard with their backs to the headboard.

“What time is it?” he asked.

“It’s 1.30. Looks like you really needed the sleep” Howard answered warmly.

“And you’ve been here all this time?” Jason asked, astonished.

“It’s not like I had anything else to do” he winked at him. “And it’s nice to have a lazy day every now and then”

“You must have been very bored, though”

“Not so much, I can tell you. I’ve been listening to some cassettes I still hadn’t had the time to listen”

Jason could see through Howard’s attempt of playing down the importance of it, and figured it must have been a very long morning for Howard just for his benefit. Full of gratefulness –and something more he couldn’t identify–, Jason rested his head on Howard’s shoulder, looking at him.

“Can’t you just accept my gratitude, you stubborn mule?”

Howard chuckled at that and took Jason’s hand to entwine their fingers together.

“Ok, but then you’ll have to do something for me as a payback”

“Anything”

“Can we go and grab a bite? I’m starving”

“Oh my God, you haven’t had lunch either because of me” Jason said, feeling incredibly guilty for not having realised that sooner.

“Nor breakfast” Howard added, without a trace of reproach in his voice.

“Then let’s go, come on!” he said jumping out from the bed and pulling Howard’s arm to get him up too. Then he noticed he still was dressed with the clothes from the day before and decided that he couldn’t leave the room like this. “Mind if I have a shower first, though? I stink” Jason said, wrinkling his nose and causing Howard to laugh. “It will only take me a minute”

“To fall in love” Howard jokingly said, and Jason fell quiet, shocked.

“What?” Jason mumbled, his heart beating like crazy. Had Howard noticed something of his confusion about what he was feeling towards him lately?

“I was referring to the lyrics of the song... you know,  _It only takes a minute_ ” Howard was quick to explain, thinking Jason’s silence meant he had realised something about his growing feelings for him, when he had just been trying to make a stupid joke.

Jason breathed out, relieved.

“Yeah, obviously. I must still a bit thick from sleeping”

Both of them remained silent for a second, not really knowing what to say.

“I… I’ll have that shower now. I’ll be quick”

“Great” Howard said with a forced smile. As soon as Jason was out, he fell on his bed, breathing out long and deep. What had just happened right there? Could it be that Jason returned his feelings and still hadn’t come to terms with it? Or was it that Jason had noticed Howard was interested on him and he had felt uncomfortable, just as Howard had feared? Or maybe it hadn’t been any of that, and Jason just hadn’t understood the joke? God, he was going crazy with this whole Jason thing. Should he reconsider talking to Jason?

Before he could make his decision about confronting Jason with his feelings, Jason was out of the bathroom and ready to go and grab that bite. The thinking and deciding would have to wait, then. Now time to enjoy his company, Howard thought with a smile as he held the door for Jason.

**********

They were having some sandwiches at the bar, warmly chatting about banal things and enjoying each other’s company, when the other three appeared and sat with them. Howard and Jason greeted them happily, as the others returned the greeting.

“We went to your room to see how you were doing and you weren’t there, so we supposed you would be here” Gary explained.

“Hey Jay, how are you feeling now?” Mark asked, as he fondled Jason’s hair warmly.

“I’m perfectly well, now. Thank you, guys”

“You gave us quite a scare, mate” Robbie told him.

“I’m sorry” Jason apologized with a guilty smile.

“Yeah well, don’t do that again or you will have us to answer to” Mark joked.

“And by the way, what are you two doing eating now?” Robbie asked.

“We didn’t have lunch, and this one here surely needed some fuel into him” Howard replied, pointing at Jason with a move of his head and smiling at him.

Just as they were finishing his sandwiches and all the boys ordered some drinks, Nigel made an appearance and approached them. Every one of them flinched at his arrival, expecting a telling off for being at the bar instead of doing something productive, so it was quite a shock when Nigel’s voice remained soft and nice all through the conversation.

“I see that you’re feeling better, Jason” Nigel told him. “I’m glad”

“Thank you” said Jason hesitantly, waiting for him to do some sarcastic comment.

“I just wanted to say I’m sorry for... putting so much pressure on you before” Nigel made sure everyone of them heard his apologies. He was not sure how much they knew about him threatening Jason to chuck him out of the band or about the two-days deadline he had given him, so he preferred not to be too specific.

Jason didn’t know how to respond to the first time Nigel was being nice at him. He looked at Howard and could see he was as astounded as himself.

“So you take the rest of the day off, in fact all of you take the day off, and tomorrow we’ll start from scratch, ok?” Nigel told them nicely.

Everyone nodded, too dumbfounded to make any words, so Nigel just gave them a crooked smile and turned away to go. When his back was to the boys as he moved to the door, his smile immediately left his face. Apologizing to Jason had been one of the hardest things he had done in his life, but he had to make sure the other boys wouldn’t turn against him. If he had to put himself down and apologize to Jason to make them believe he cared about Jason’s welfare, he would do it. He would find the way to make him pay for it without the other boys knowing.

Once Nigel was gone, the boys didn’t know much what to say. Gary, Robbie and Mark didn’t really know how much Nigel bullied Jason, but they knew enough to be surprised at his new attitude towards him. Howard looked at him, and asked him if he wanted to talk about it with his eyes. Jason understood and shook his head no. Not in front of the other boys. So it was him who tried to engage them in a conversation and forget about Nigel for the day.

“So guys, what have you been up to all morning?”

“Well, we tried to practise the routines you both taught us the other day, and turns out we’ve forgotten some of the moves, so we need you for this, guys” Robbie told them, making both of them laugh and Mark and Gary blush slightly.

“So as we couldn’t do anything about it without you guys, we decided to leave the dancing and go on with the planning of the tour, and turns out we planned the whole rock ‘n ‘roll part!” the Gary explained, enthusiastically.

“Really?” Gary had got Jason’s attention immediately, and Howard could only smile fondly at him. He loved him like that... Well, he loved him however he was, but especially when he was excited about something.

“Yes, it’s great” Gary was almost as excited about it as Jason was. “We thought we could do as if we were auditioning for a ‘50s band. Then we would appear one by one: Robbie will sing  _Under the moon of love_ , Mark of course wants to impersonate his beloved Elvis, and I thought I would do a great Jerry Lee Lewis. And then you two will do the dance you wanted, but we prefer to leave that to your own choice as how you want to do it”

Howard and Jason looked at each other and smiled.

“Grease!” both of them said aloud at the same time and burst out laughing.

“Well, I see you have it pretty clear” Robbie said with one of that ironic smiles of his.

“But how is this going to work? You’ll dress as T-Birds and dance to  _Greased lightning_  or what?” Mark asked, curious.

“Not exactly” Howard answered, wanting to create some expectation.

“So?” Robbie asked, getting impatient.

“We’ll be Travolta and Olivia” Jason answered with a big smile, winking at Howard.

The drink Gary had on his mouth came out suddenly all over Mark because of the shock.

“Gaz, be careful!” Mark complained, drying his shirt with a napkin.

“I’m so sorry, it just took me by surprise. Really, guys? Who’s going to be Olivia?”

“It will have to be me” Jason explained “First because it was my idea and I’m the one who insisted on doing it, so it’s just fair I’m the one who gets to make a fool of himself. And second, Howard’s stronger than me, it will be easier for him to throw me around”

“Oh my God, I’m dying to see this already...” Gary announced.

“Me too” Jason said with a smile sent in Howard’s direction.

**********

The five of them spent the afternoon on the swimming pool, relaxing and having a great time all together, as they loved to do but didn’t have the chance quite often. Then they had dinner together and decided to have an early night, as they were quite tired –especially Jason, who still was experiencing the effects of that morning’s exhaustion.

Howard and Jason retired to their room for the night, and Jason immediately moved to his bed to get his pyjama from under his pillow.

“Oh, I love the  _Grease_  idea so much, it’s going to be so much fun” Jason told Howard excitedly as he took of his T-shirt to put his pyjama, but half way of doing that, he turned around to look at Howard. “Why don’t we start trying some ideas for our dance?” Jason asked him, almost jumping from the eagerness of doing it.

“What, like now?” Howard asked, astounded at Jason’s suddenly renewed energy but glad to see him like this. Howard wished Jason would put his t-shirt back on, though, ‘cause it was just difficult enough to stand around him and pretend not to be falling in love with him when he was completely dressed, imagine it with having to see Jason’s bare (and perfect) torso. But Jason was so excited about the whole rock ‘n’ roll idea that he was completely oblivious to the effect he caused in Howard.

“Yes, pleeeeeease” Jason pouted, making Howard chuckle and shake his head.

“You’re a spoilt brat, did you know that?”

“Yeah, I know, but you still put up with me, so it must not be that bad” Jason answered back, with a wink.

“Ok, so let’s see how can we do it. Are you sure you want to be Olivia?”

“How, believe me, as much as I would loooove to see you in dress” he told him with a mischievous smile, “there’s no way I can lift you up as well as you can. You have all your macho strength, while I’m just a delicate and puny person” Jason joked.

Howard fixed his stare at Jason’s half naked body again and was about to contradict him about the puny affirmation when suddenly Jason was in front of him and had put his hands on his shoulders, taking him out of his stupor at once.

“We have to do some of these acrobatic moves they do if we want it to be funny” Jason suggested. “I bet if you grab me by the waist I could jump and do like a somersault backwards. It would be like doing a backflip, but without the hands. As if you were my hands. Come on, let’s try it”

What was he trying to do to him, Howard though, torturing him? Now he had to grab him around the waist? With him being half-naked? And he couldn’t say no, because what would he say as an excuse? So he would just have to pluck of courage and do what Jason had asked of him trying not to blush too much in the process.

The first time they tried, Jason couldn’t even lift his legs enough to reach the height of his waist, and they spent quite a few seconds laughing about it. The second time, he jumped much higher, not enough to turn but too much to put his feet gracefully again in the floor, so Howard had to grab him strongly to keep him from falling. On the third time, though, Jason’s slightly sweaty body slipped from Howard’s hands and fell to the floor, landing hard on his back and his head.

“Jay! I’m so sorry! Are you alright?” Howard asked very preoccupied and extremely guilty about the incident, kneeling at his side and putting a hand over Jason’s arm.

Jason brought his hand to the back of his head, making a painful guttural groan at finding the sore spot there.

“I think I’m going to get a nice lump”

“I’m so sorry” Howard repeated.

“It was not your fault” Jason told him dismissively.

“Well, it was me who dropped you”

“Yes, and it was me who didn’t jump correctly. We’re both too tired to be practising this now, it was bound to happen sooner or later. Besides, it’s not that bad, I’ll survive” Jason told him with a smile, trying to make light of the situation, although Howard could tell he was quite sore.

“Here, let me see how it looks” Howard told him as he crept behind Jason and moved his hands to the back of Jason’s head to make sure it was nothing serious. For Jason it was like torture to have Howard so near him, touching his hair, caressing the back of his neck, caring for him... “Yeah, you have a nice lump forming in here, but I don’t think we have to worry too much about it. Apart from the pain, obviously”

Howard, still on his knees, moved again in front of Jason to look at him, smiling guiltily at him.

“See? I told you so”

“Yah, but I know how you tend to make light of the situation whenever you’re ill or hurt, so I preferred to check” he joked, and then he put his hand to Jason’s neck and bent closer to him. “Are you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m okay, really, don’t worry” Jason reassured him with a smile, resting his hand on Howard’s wrist.

Howard looked him in the eye to make sure he was not lying. But when he looked into Jason’s eyes, so near his own, he discovered there something he had never seen before. It was as if Jason’s whole soul was there for him to see in those eyes, and it seemed said soul was inviting him in, so curious and needy of giving one more step in their relationship as him. So Howard wasn’t able –and didn’t want– to put a stop to the impulse that invaded him and captured Jason’s lips in a searing kiss.

If Howard had expected Jason to run away from him, or at least be a little reticent about it, he couldn’t have been more wrong. Jason’s lips had been ready to receive his, and they parted to give Howard’s tongue access to his mouth, as willing and frantic as Howard was feeling.

Howard grabbed the back of Jason’s head, dying to deepen the kiss even more, and he accidentally pressed just over the lump forming there.

“Ow!” Jason exclaimed in pain, but immediately smiling at Howard’s guilty expression.

“I’m so sorry” Howard hastily apologized, but had to smile at Jason’s amused expression. God, how he adored this wonderful creature, Howard thought as he put his hands at both sides of Jason’s neck this time and brought him to himself to savour his lips again, to which Jason again didn’t offer any resistance.

Jason started lowering his upper body to the ground after making sure of locking his arms around Howard’s neck to bring him down with him. Howard followed willingly without breaking the kiss and soon he was on top of Jason. Suddenly kisses were not enough and his lips found his way all along Jason’s jaw and neck, making Jason shiver with pleasure. Howard took this as an invitation and suddenly his hands accompanied his lips all over Jason’s bare chest.

When Howard’s hands reached the waistband of his trousers, Jason knew what was about to happen and arched his back in anticipation. But he wasn’t one to be submissive, so he brought his hands down Howard’s body too and reached his waistband at the same time, instantly bringing a lascivious smile to Howard’s lips before his own mouth being devoured by them once more. That was the last image he got before he closed his eyes to the pleasure of Howard unzipping his trousers.


	8. Chapter 8

Jason woke up with the first ray of sun in the morning, but it was not the light that had woken him: it was a dull pain on the back of his head, caused by the knock of the day before and by sleeping on the floor. On the floor? What the hell was he doing on the floor? He was lying on his side, so he tried to turn to sit up and lean on his elbows but found that a dead weight on his side was preventing him from it. He lifted his head enough to look at it and when he discovered an arm that wasn’t his holding him firmly, it all came back in a rush. He realised Howard was well pressed against his back, and he also noticed they were both completely naked as apparently they had fallen asleep together right after... having sex? Making love? He still didn’t know how to call it. Right there on the floor. Although with a blush climbing into his cheeks, he couldn’t help a smile breaking into his lips at the remainder of it, of how great it had been, how wanted he had felt... And how protected he was feeling right now with Howard’s arm around him and the warmth of the other’s body caressing the skin on his own back. If he had had doubts before about if the feelings he felt for Howard were more than friendship, he was completely sure now. Way beyond friendship.

But the worrier he was started wondering if it had meant as much to Howard as it had to him. He knew Howard’s understanding of sex was very carefree: he was no stranger to one-night stands or to have relationships based only on it. Yes, he had been very loving and attentive to him, making sure he was having a good time and taking his time with kisses and caresses, but maybe it was just his way, maybe it didn’t mean he felt anything more towards him. He didn’t think he would be able to stand it if Howard didn’t reciprocate his feelings, now that he had admitted them to himself.

With a heart full of distress, Jason decided to get up and go for a walk so he could put his thoughts in order before confronting Howard. He very slowly lifted Howard’s arm so he could extricate himself from his bear hug without waking him up –nor that it would be that easy to wake him, as Howard was a heavy sleeper– and went directly to the bathroom to have a long shower.

When he came out, he noticed Howard hadn’t move an inch from how he had left him, and he kept lightly snoring as if nothing had happened. Even with all the troubling in his heart, Jason couldn’t help a fond smile and decided to make him more comfortable so he wouldn’t have to wake to a headache, as he had. He picked the pillow from Howard’s bed and very carefully put it under his head, and then he covered him with a blanket. He grabbed the alarm clock from the night stand, set the alarm and left it close to Howard’s head. With a last look at Howard’s beautiful face, he made it to the door and silently went out.

**********

Jason found out that the walk hadn’t done anything to ease his mind. But it had helped him make a decision: he would openly talk about what had happened with Howard and he would expose his feelings to him, regardless of the consequences. He hoped that, even if Howard didn’t feel the same about him, at least their friendship wouldn’t get too badly damaged.

With a deep and tired sigh, he sat on one of the common room’s sofa, resting his head on the back of it. It was still a bit early for breakfast, so he would just have to wait for the others to appear. He hadn’t even picked a book to read in the meantime. How he wished Howard would come down and hold him right now...

**********

Howard woke with a start at the sudden ringing of the alarm clock. He stretched his arm to look for the clock at the night stand even before opening his eyes, and found that he couldn’t find the night stand. He half-opened one of his eyes and found the damned clock. In front of him. On the floor. What the hell...?

One of the corners of his mouth curved slightly upwards in a cheeky grin as he figured out the reason he was on the floor and a bursting happiness threatened to make his heart explode at the realisation that, at last, he had taken the courage to make a move on Jason. A very big move. And quite successfully, he had to add.

So where the hell was Jason now? The last thing he remembered was Jason closing his eyes in sleep and him surrounding the younger man with his arms, unable to lose the contact with his skin after such a wonderful experience. He probably had just gone for a walk, like most mornings. Not even in days like this could he keep still, Howard thought with a fond smile. Howard hoped Jason’s absence didn’t mean he regretted having slept with him. But he had bothered to put a pillow under his head, cover him and set the alarm for him, so he must not hate him too much, Howard thought as again a smile broke in his lips. It seemed like he wouldn’t be able to stop smiling today.

**********

Jason had only been like that for a while, with his head resting on the back of the sofa and his eyes closed, his head close to explode because of the many thoughts going around inside of it, when Gary appeared and sat at his side.

“Morning, mate” he greeted him, to which Jason opened his eyes and lifted his head, to greet him properly too.

“Morning, Gaz. What are you doing here?”

“I was on my way to the dining room and I saw you, so I thought I came to say hello. And what are you doing here? It’s quite early”

“I know, I just went for a walk and found out I didn’t feel like walking anymore, so I thought I’d wait for you all here”

“You alright? You looked troubled”

“Yeah, I’m okay, I just have a bit of a headache”

“Maybe you’re still tired. Did you sleep well?”

“I didn’t sleep too much” Jason answered, trying not to blush.

They sat having a nice conversation for a little while until they saw Howard passing by on his way to the dining room. Jason tried to do as if he had not seen him –yes, he wanted to talk to him and God, yes, he was dying to see him, but not with Gary there!– but Gary hurried to call him.

“Hey, Howard, we are here!”

Howard turned around and entered the common room to find Gary and, surprise!, his lover there. Could he call him his lover? It had a nice ring to it, that’s for sure. He then heard Gary saying his name and noticed he had been talking to him while he daydreamed.

“Howard, are you okay?” Gary asked, wondering what the hell was wrong with these two.

“Yes, yes, I just got distracted” he answered as he sat on the sofa opposite the one the other two were sitting on.

“Didn’t you sleep much either?”

“Why? Who else didn’t?”

“Jay here was telling me he hasn’t slept too much”

Howard looked knowingly at Jason and the latter had to look away to keep himself from blushing too much.

“Really?” Howard asked with an amused smiled, but Jason didn’t answer.

Gary noticed immediately there was something going on between them. Jason hadn’t practically looked at Howard nor talked since he arrived, and Howard, on the contrary, couldn’t stop gazing at him. Plus the fact that Jason said he had not slept well, something that usually happened if he was worried about something.

But Gary wasn’t one to interfere in the matters of others unless it was necessary, so he thought it would be better to leave them alone to sort out whatever problem they may have. It was almost time for breakfast anyway, so he decided to get going towards the dining room.

“Well, guys, I’m pretty hungry, so I guess I’ll get going. See you in the dining room, ok?” Gary told them, not giving them the option to go with him so they would stay and talk. He patted Jason warmly on the back of his head in a comforting gesture as he got up, with such bad fortune that his hand contacted with the little lump caused by the fall of the day before, provoking an involuntary hiss from Jason.

“Jay, what’s wrong?” Gary asked, genuinely worried as he checked the back of Jason’s head to see the cause of his pain.

“Nothing, I just had a fall yesterday”

“A fall?” Gary asked as he found the swollen area. “How did you manage to do this?”

“It was my fault” Howard intervened ashamedly. “I dropped him when trying ideas to the rock ‘n’ roll dance”

“Oh” Gary exclaimed knowingly, as he thought he had the answer to the awkwardness between them: Howard had dropped Jason, Jason had got hurt and they probably had argued about it. He hoped it wouldn’t be anything serious, but he didn’t worry excessively as he knew these two and they really couldn’t stay away from each other for too long. “Are you okay, Jay?”

“Yeah, don’t worry, it’s just a lump”

“Okay, so... see you guys, later” and with that he was gone.

Jason sat unmoving, his hands on his lap. Howard looked at him and smiled affectionately because he could tell the awkwardness in Jason had more to do with shyness than regret.

“You okay, Jay?” Howard asked to get his attention.

Jason turned to look at him but didn’t answer, and Howard was amused to find some blush colouring his cheeks.

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost” Howard joked, but Jason’s face remained unemotional.

“I think we should talk” Jason told him, deadly serious, causing Howard’s smile to leave his lips in a heartbeat.

“Is there something wrong?”

“I want to talk about what happened yesterday”

“Do you... do you regret it?” Howard asked, his heart on his mouth.

“It depends on the answer you give me”

“To which question?”

“Did it mean anything to you?”

“Of course! It was great, wasn’t it?”

“I don’t mean that. I know you, we’ve shared the room enough times for me to know you tend to have a lot of one-night stands and then forget about that person next day. I want to know if I’m just one more to add to the list, because if that’s the case...” Jason didn’t know how to finish the sentence.

Howard looked at him, surprised. He thought he had made sure to show how much he wanted Jason. Maybe that was the problem: he should have dedicated that much effort to let him know that the reason he wanted him that much was he had strong feelings about him.

Howard moved to the place at Jason’s side that Gary had vacated and picked his hand up to hold it between both of his, glad he found no resistance.

“You’re not one more on the list, you can be sure of that” Jason gave him a small and relieved smile, which seemed to encourage Howard enough to keep talking. “And I definitely wouldn’t like  _this_ ” he said, pointing at their holding hands with a movement of his head “to be a one-night stand. Jay, I... I have feelings for you. Strong feelings. I’ve had them for some time already”

“Then I surely don’t regret it” Jason told him with a big smile, grabbing Howard’s chin and capturing his lips in a much more slow and loving kiss that the night before, not born of passion but of caring and honesty.

Howard’s heart felt about to explode. Just yesterday he hadn’t been sure about sharing his thoughts and feelings with Jason, much less had he dared to imagine that Jason would have them in return. He couldn’t help it anymore and moved his hand to the back of Jason’s head to caress his hair and to deepen the kiss.

Jason, however, put a hand to Howard’s chest to separate him from himself, for which Howard looked at him, deceived and confused.

“I thought this is what you wanted”

“I do” Jason answered with a shy smile. “Just not here”

Howard smiled, understanding. They were alone at the moment, but anyone could walk on them. Lucky for them Jason was much more level-headed than him, Howard thought, because his own impulsiveness could surely cause them big trouble.

“By the way” Jason continued, smiling shyly and lowering his gaze so as not to have to look directly at Howard, “I think you already know, but I have feelings for you too”

Howard grabbed Jason’s chin to make him look at him and smiled at him, trying to make light of the situation and make Jason feel more at ease about this whole thing.

“I kind of figured it out when you kissed me, but it’s nice to hear it all the same”

“What are we going to do now?”

“Do you want us to be... together?”

At this Jason’s smile grew until it lit his whole face.

“Yes, I do” he answered.

“Then let’s do it” Howard told me with a big smile to match Jason’s, caressing his arm, “because it’s the thing I want the most in the world”

Jason joined their lips in a very quick kiss before he could stop himself.

“But we’ll have to be discreet, we don’t want anybody to know” he reminded Howard.

“Of course, nobody but us needs to know about it, it would be weird to the band, wouldn’t it? It won’t be that difficult to find time for us, though, we spend a lot of time just you and me as it is, don’t we?” Howard asked mischievously, causing Jason to blush and smile at the same time.

“Yeah, but working on the choreographies”

“I seem to remember we were not exactly dancing yesterday... Besides, there’s time for everything”

“And speaking of time, we should get going to the dining room or we’ll be late”

“Can I give you one last kiss before we go? Who knows how long it will be until I have you to myself again, I don’t know if I’ll be able to bear it” Howard joked.

“Well, you’ve been bearing it until today, haven’t you?”

“Yes, but that’s because I’d still not tasted how sweet your lips feel...” he told him, full of desire, his mouth now very close to Jason’s so he wouldn’t be able to resist.

Jason turned his gaze to the entrance of the room and checked nobody was around. And then, and only then, he allowed himself the luxury of giving Howard a deep, long and passionate kiss, just before he stood up and pull Howard’s hand to make him stand too so they could walk towards the dining room.

“Ok, it was a bad idea” Howard said, trying to regain his breath, “now I will surely not be able to bear it”

Jason chuckled and smiled tenderly at him, as he let go of his hand to enter the dining room.

 

They made it to the door just as the same time that Mark and Robbie did, so it was only by a second that they didn’t catch them holding hands. Jason looked at Howard knowingly, and then greeted the other boys, trying to look natural. Howard was feeling too self-conscious right now to act normal around Jason, so he preferred to move away from him and not have too direct a contact for the moment. He still was too moved and excited about their recent conversation –and, of course, by their night spent together– and he was sure if he got too near him, love would start overflowing through his skin, or shinning in his eyes, or something like that, and everybody would see.

So the four of them moved to the table where they usually sit and where Gary and Nigel were already waiting for. Howard would have liked not to sit directly in front of Jason –how hard it was going to be to not sit there, stupidly spellbound at Jason’s beauty– but when he was going to sit a bit further from him, Robbie reached the chair before him and sat down, so the only place left was the same he usually took. Jason looked at him quizzically, as did the others that had noticed Howard’s failed manoeuvre, but nobody said anything and Howard didn’t offer any explanation.

During all day, which they all spent in the gym dancing, Howard kept his strange attitude, and whenever Jason approached him, trying to normalize the situation, he tried to keep the distance, afraid of his reaction, afraid to give himself away.

On one of the occasions Mark turned to Gary to ask him if he knew what was happening there.

“Hey, do you know what’s wrong with these two?”

“I think they argued and are not completely over it yet” Gary explained his hypothesis to Mark.

“It’s so strange not to see them together all the time... I hope they fix it soon, I don’t like seeing them like this.

“Yes, I hope so”

**********

After a strenuous and long day practising the routines over and over with the other guys so they wouldn’t forget them this time, and just before dinner, Jason and Howard finally found a moment to themselves, which they decided to spend in the solitude of their room. They were just anxious to be with each other, to start building the foundation for that relationship both of them were craving so much.

“I wish we could stay like this forever” Howard told his beautiful lover, now half lying on his chest surrounded by his arms as Howard rested his back on the headboard of his bed.

“I know. I’ve been dying all day to be like this” Jason said as he planted a tiny kiss on Howard’s chest.

“Me too. It’s been so difficult to pretend I didn’t want to snog you right then and there!” Howard exclaimed sincerely, though it brought a loud giggle from Jason.

“How romantic of you, honey” Jason said once he finished laughing as Howard started caressing his hair, which he was starting to think it was going to become one of his favourite pastimes.

“Can you believe Gary actually asked me if you and I had fallen out? Poor guy, he couldn’t be further from the truth!” Howard explained, quite amused by the whole situation.

“Yeah, but that’s your fault! You’ve been acting very strange all day! You have to stop it or they’ll start suspecting”

“I know, it’s just so difficult for me to act normal if I can’t stop thinking that once we are alone you’ll be mine...” Howard told him, somewhat lasciviously.

“Well, you’ll just have to try harder, then” Jason told him pretending to scold him but without being able to stop a smile spreading at Howard’s reference of him being his. Not that he was anyone’s property, clearly, but Howard made it sound as something beautiful and tender.

“Are you going to tell someone about us? Like to your family?” Howard asked out of the blue.

“Where did this come from?”

“I don’t know, I was just wondering if I should tell my family”

“Well... I’m just so happy that I feel the need to tell it to the world. I know this isn’t possible, but I need at least to be able to talk about it with somebody, you know? I need to boast about you to someone”

Howard chucked warmly and brought Jason even closer to him, if that was possible.

“Not so much as I would like to boast about you. I still can’t believe we are here, like this. I’ve wanted it so much...” Howard told Jason, accompanying it with a kiss to his temple.

“Then why didn’t you tell me?”

“I was going to. But then you had that big fight with Nigel and I thought it was not the right moment in case you didn’t return my feelings. I didn’t want to put that pressure over you”

Jason smiled and lifted his head a bit so he could give a quick peck to Howard’s lips.

“You’re always so considerate. I love that about you”

“Hey, and how come you didn’t say anything to me?”

“Because I still hadn’t come to terms with it myself, I wasn’t sure how I felt about you. But then you kissed me... and all the doubts vanished” Jason told him with a smile that made his face glow. Howard returned the smile and grabbed both sides of his neck to kiss him properly.

“So as to answer your previous question” Jason went on as the kiss broke and he rested his head on Howard’s chest again, “I think I will tell my family, yes. They’ll be glad, they’ve always liked you. In fact, I don’t think they’ll be very surprised...”

Both of them chuckled and then fell into an easy silence, playing a game of twining and untwining their fingers only they understood. After a minute, Howard noticed Jason’s mind was far away from their room, he could imagine where, so he tried to bring it back with a kiss to Jason’s forehead –which instantly brought a smile to Jason’s lips as he curled even closer to Howard’s side.

“You’re thinking about them, aren’t you? About Dominic?”

“Yes. It’s difficult for me not being there if one of them is not alright. And yeah, I know he’s basically alright, I talked to him again today and he’s doing fine, but all the same...”

“You can’t help worrying about him” Howard finished the sentence for him.

“I wish I could be there with him... But then I selfishly feel glad to be here, ‘cause here I have you” Jason confessed, feeling a bit guilty about it.

Howard held him tight against his chest, wanting him to feel how much his words meant to him.

“You’re not selfish. In fact, I think you’re the most selfless person I know”

“Your opinion doesn’t count, it’s biased ‘cause you fancy me” Jason joked, making Howard chortle.

“Well, I’m biased, that’s true, and I certainly fancy you, I can tell you that, but that doesn’t mean what I say it’s not true. Don’t feel guilty for being happy. There’s nothing wrong on thinking about oneself once in a while, you’d do well to remember that”

Jason looked at him with only adoration in his eyes and moved to softly kiss him again before he stood up and pulled the hand he was holding to make his lover follow.

“Ok, I’ll think of myself now and I’ll tell you I’m hungry, so let’s go and have dinner”

Howard shook his hair trying to look annoyed but the smile on his lips belied his expression. In his eyes Jason could do no wrong. Certainly he was biased, he thought.

“That serves me right, for trying to be nice”

Jason laughed wholeheartedly as he gave him a kiss on the cheek before both of them moved to the door and prepared themselves for another whole-pretending dinner with their mates.


	9. Chapter 9

A couple of very tiring days later –full of rehearsing from morning to evening–, Howard found he was getting the hang of pretending to be just Jason’s friend in front of the others, acting around him like he had always done (he always had the nights to be just how he wanted to be with Jason). The others were glad to see things had gone back to normal between him and Jason, as they were worried they had fallen out.

As they had dinner, Howard noticed he and Jason had not been alone for a second that day, and started playing under the table, running his foot all along Jason’s leg. Jason got startled at first, but then he couldn’t keep a big smile breaking on his lips at his lover’s antics. A smile that didn’t go unnoticed to Gary, sitting at his side.

“Hey, what’s so funny?” Gary asked.

“What?” Jason asked, as he had not been aware of having been caught.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Oh... I don’t know, I just smiled” Jason had never been one to know how to get out of a situation with a lie.

“Yeah, I know you did, I just like to know why. There must be a reason”

“Hello, have you just met Jay?” Howard intervened, trying to lend a hand to his lover as it had been his fault on the first place. “Like he needs a reason to smile and giggle stupidly, he does that often enough” he joked.

“Hey!” Jason exclaimed, trying to look annoyed but failing miserably and bursting out laughing, making Howard laugh too.

“Yeah, you’re right” Gary conceded, smiling at his friends though not understanding what was so funny. Sometimes he didn’t understood those two’s sense of humour. No wonder they were that good friends, he thought, they were made for each other.

“Boys”, Nigel caught their attention, and Jason looked at Howard as if to order him to stop fooling around now, “tomorrow I want you here extra early because, as you know, we are starting the filming of the  _Relight my fire_  video”

“And how will it go?” Gary asked.

“Just you boys dancing in a club and then in a set to the cameras with Lulu. Tomorrow we’ll do the part on the set and the day after the part in the club, with all the extras”

“Dancing?” Gary groaned.

“Yes, but freely I mean, not choreographed moves”

“Right, make it even better...” Gary mumbled under his breath.

**********

So next day they had an early and quick breakfast and two taxis came to get them and take them to the studio where the shooting would take place. The director of the video explained more accurately to them how the video was going to be and then they were led to a changing room where the clothes they were supposed to wear for the day laid waiting for each of them.

“What the hell is this?” Howard exclaimed at seeing his outfit. “Could someone explain to me why you all are going to be dressed in black and I get to wear this strange white pants?”

Nobody answered ‘cause they were busy enough laughing at his cross expression.

“Serves you right for always putting us to shame being  _The body_  and everything” Mark told him while still laughing.

Howard looked at Jason as if searching for an ally but Jason just nodded and arched his eyebrows, as if agreeing with Mark, to which Howard could only sigh and start to dress in his strange clothes. It was not fair, he always seemed to get the strangest outfits.

Once changed and out of the dressing room, Nigel looked at them as if he were reviewing a troop.

“Something is not right...”

“If you mean my clothes...” Howard started but Nigel interrupted.

“No, you look perfect” Howard could only sigh at this, seeing as he was not to get a change of clothes, “the problem is Mark”

“Me? Why?” Mark asked, surprised. He liked his outfit.

“That T-shirt looks too lose on you and everyone else is dressing tighter”

“Well, I can’t fatten up suddenly to fill it, can I?” Mark asked.

“No, but we could cut it right under his chest, couldn’t we, Nigel? It wouldn’t look lose at all that way” Howard intervened mischievously, wanting to take revenge on Mark for having made fun of him.

“Great idea!” Nigel answered, nodding, already looking for some scissors.

“You’ll pay for that” Mark whispered to Howard as the latter burst out laughing. Revenge is a dish best served cold, or so they say.

**********

Once everyone was ready, they were instructed to dance to the music sounding on the studio while looking at the camera. Lulu would come a while later and do some dancing with them too.

They felt a little self-conscious at first, with so many people looking at them as they performed, but they soon relaxed and came up with great moves that would look very well on camera.

Suddenly Nigel started shouting for the music to stop and, when it did, he approached the boys angrily. They immediately knew he was coming to reprimand one of them, but he didn’t even have the decency as to lower his voice.

“Jason, what the hell are you doing?” he yelled, in front of everyone –they all turned and looked elsewhere, uncomfortable with the situation. Nothing could be that bad as to tell him off like that, couldn’t it?

“What?” he asked, not really having any idea of what he had done this time.

“Do you understand what looking into the camera means?”

“Of course”

“Then what is it with all that looking up or to the infinite you were doing?”

“I was just dancing naturally, Nigel”

“And it looks like having two orders at the same time, dancing and looking at the camera, is too much for you, isn’t it?”

Howard could feel anger creeping into his chest at the unfair treatment Jason was receiving and finally he couldn’t stand it anymore.

“Hey, Nigel, give him a break, ok?”

“I will when he does things right”

Jason saw Howard was about to say something more and decided to put a stop to it before an almighty row broke up or worse, before Howard could get too carried away so as to endanger their secret.

“How, it’s okay, I’ll do it the way Nigel wants. Ok, Nigel?”

“I hope we don’t have to stop again because of your inability to do anything as you’re told”

Jason could see Howard again about to explode, but with a look and a shake of his head Jason asked him to hold his tongue, which Howard reluctantly did –only because Jason asked him to. Luckily for them, the music started again and they could just forget everything and just dance. It was difficult for Jason to look carefree and happy now, but he was a professional and he was not going to screw everything up.

**********

A while later, they took a mini-break to grab a snack and rest for a bit, while waiting for Lulu to arrive. The boys approached the catering table and started eating hungrily after having spent most the morning doing so much physical exercise. After a moment, Nigel went to them.

“Well done, boys. Even you, Jason, got the hang of it at the end” Nigel provoked him, but to his disappointment he didn’t get any response of Jason, by now too used to Nigel’s rude remarks. “Let’s see if now you can make do with dancing a bit on the background and not trying to be the star like you usually do. Lulu and Gary are the lead singers, not you. Keep that in mind next time you try to be the center of attention”

“So I’m supposed to be the star, Nigel?” Lulu said as he approached him from behind, clearly unnoticed until she had spoken. “No way, I’m just doing a collaboration, I’ve got no intention at all to take the light out of these boys”

“Hi, Lulu. I Hadn’t heard you arrived!” Nigel said, trying to look nice.

“Well, obviously, I don’t think you would have talked like that to any of the boys if you knew I was here”

“Oh,  it wasn’t that bad, you know that” he said, trying to make light of the situation.

“Wasn’t it? I heard you talking down to Jason and I must say you were not too nice. And from what I’ve heard, not for the first time today”

“Oh, but he knows I don’t really mean it, right Jason?” Nigel told him, looking at him deliberately.

Jason was tempted to contradict him and embarrass him in front of Lulu, but deep down he knew nothing good would come of it. Lulu noticed the hesitation on Jason, and also noticed how Howard didn’t take his eyes off of him and held his breath, waiting for his reply. But finally Jason just smiled shyly at Lulu.

“Of course, I didn’t take it seriously”

Lulu didn’t seem quite convinced by it. She already had worked with them at the recording of the song and knew them enough to know how Nigel treated them, especially Jason. Lulu liked the boys very much, they were cheeky and full of energy, but they were very nice, polite and down to earth. And so young and naïve... She hoped Nigel didn’t get to ruin them very much. If it depended on her, he would get fired right away. But it was not up to her, she just featured in one of their songs.

“Well, I’ll just go get changed and then we can start with my shooting, right?”

**********

A couple of hours later, after having shot Lulu’s dancing with them, it was time for each of them to do some individual dancing, so they could include these shots in the video. Howard went first and Jason was supposed to go after, so Gary, Robbie and Mark took the chance to go to the catering table again. When Howard was finished and it was Jason’s turn, he decided to wait for Jason instead of having a bite, so he remained there and kept watching him, spellbound by the beauty of his dancing.

“He dances wonderfully, doesn’t he?” Lulu asked, approaching him just as she was about to leave, having finished his work.

“He’s a great dancer, indeed” Howard said, without taking his gaze off him, pride quite evident in his eyes and his voice.

“And beautiful”

“Yeah” Howard nodded enthusiastically, before realising what had just happened and turning to look at Lulu as scared as if he had seen a ghost. Lulu just laughed loudly and waved his hand dismissively at him.

“Don’t look like that, I’m not telling anyone”

“How do you know?” Howard asked, dumbfounded at having been so easily read.

“Let’s call it feminine intuition” she answered with a big smile.

“Is it that obvious?”

“No, I just have a gift to guess these things. Hey, I wasn’t even sure until you confirmed it to me”

“That makes me a real idiot, then. Wait until Jason finds out...”

“Why are you keeping this a secret? I mean, I understand that you don’t make it official because you have an image with the band and everything, but with the others?”

“It’s not because we’re ashamed or anything like that” Howard was quick to explain. “In fact, we are quite proud of this thing we have”

“Then?”

“Can I trust you not to say any of this?” Howard knew he could trust her. She had been nothing but great with them from the first moment they met and she didn’t seem to have much of a liking for Nigel anyway. But he had to make sure.

“Of course, I won’t breath a word to anyone about it”

“It’s because of Nigel”

“Ah, I was kind of suspecting it was that...”

“Jay and him had a... disagreement and since then Nigel has been making his best to make Jay’s life miserable. And our relationship would probably make it worse, ‘cause Nigel has always demanded that we didn’t get too close to each other in case one of us got lost in the way. If he finds out we are not only close, but involved, God knows how angry he would get. And Jason is afraid for me, he doesn’t want me to get on the wrong side of Nigel too”

“And about this disagreement thing you just mentioned... Let’s say if he knew about Jason and you he could get pretty jealous, right?”

“Are you a fortune-teller or what?” Howard asked, shocked at Lulu’s intuition.

“It’s quite obvious. Nigel looks like the kind of person who would enjoy making someone’s life a misery just out of spite”

“He is, I can tell you that. It kills me to see how he treats Jay. But Jay doesn’t want me to get involved in any way, and I have to respect his wishes”

“You’re seeing this the wrong way, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“You act like you all work for Nigel, and it’s the other way around. He’s your manager, not your boss”

“But we have a contract with him”

“I know. I’m just saying that if the five of you support each other, he’s the one onto a loser. None of you are replaceable. He is. You just have to let him know that” Lulu said as he looked at him shrewdly and then left. Howard looked at Jason again, but this time he wasn’t admiring him as his brain started working strongly. Was Lulu right? Could it be that it was really them who called the shots?

When Jason’s shooting ended, and it was the turn of the other three boys, Howard had a wonderful idea.

“I’m feeling like having a bit of fresh air, I’ll take advantage of the break while the rest of you shoot your parts to go outside for a second” Howard announced. “Will you accompany me, Jay?”

“Sure” Jason answered, trying to sound casual.

 

Once they were outside and had made sure there was nobody around, Howard gently pushed Jason to the wall and kissed him passionately, feeling Jason’s smile against his own lips.

“I’ve been dying to do this for hours. Every time you lift your arms and that tiny T-shirt reveals your perfect stomach... God, I want to die!” Howard said, lifting Jason’s T-shirt a bit himself to feel the skin of Jason’s stomach with his hand while he kissed his neck.

“You look incredibly gorgeous too, especially if we bear in mind how strange your clothes are...” Jason said with a mischievous grin. “This stripped and tight T-shirt... just when I thought you couldn’t be any sexier...” Jason took the kissing initiative this time.

When the kiss broke they just remained embraced for a while, heads resting on each other’s shoulders.

“How are you doing?” Howard asked, caressing Jason’s hair.

“I’m pretty tired, to tell you the truth, but I guess just like everyone, right?”

“No, I meant how are you feeling about what happened with Nigel today”

Jason lifted his head from Howard’s shoulder to look at him.

“I’m okay. It wasn’t that big a deal”

“Wasn’t it? He yelled at you in front of everyone”

“I know” he admitted.

“I had to bite my tongue not to tell him some things he deserves to hear! I could kill him sometimes for treating you like that”

“Howard, please” Jason insisted. “What I said the other day is true, I don’t want you to get involved. If you keep defending me like you did today he’s going to suspect”

“I just can’t stand seeing my boyfriend being treated that way and do nothing”

“Your boyfriend?”

“Is it too soon to call it like that?” Howard asked cautiously.

“No, it’s too sweet to call it like that” Jason mumbled against Howard’s lips just after capturing them in yet another kiss. “I love being your boyfriend”

“Not as much as I love being yours” Howard said, returning his kiss and pressing Jason further on to the wall behind him.

“Come on, no more of that here. Let’s go back to the studio before they miss the two Muppets at the back” Jason joked as he picked Howard’s hand in his to make him walk at his side, both of them completely unaware of the pair of eyes watching them.


	10. Chapter 10

The assistant to the director of the video went outside for a second, as he couldn’t stand any more shooting today without having a smoke. He hated shooting music videos, especially if they were from boybands only trying to sell their bodies and a few CDs on the process, as these boys did in his mind. He couldn’t wait to finish the day, even if tomorrow they had another whole shooting day.

He was quietly smoking in the street, walking a bit away to put some distance between him and the studio, when he noticed two boys half hiding in the alley at the corner of the studio’s door. Great, on top of everything he had to watch the shameful spectacle of two men making out, what a great day this was, he thought sarcastically. But as they broke the kiss and started walking towards the studio, holding their hands together, he realised they were two of the members of the damned band.

A sarcastic smirk broke on his face. He knew they all were queer.

**********

Next morning Howard and Jason were getting ready for the day in their room –today was the second day of shooting for the  _Relight my fire_  video– when suddenly Howard remembered his conversation with Lulu from the day before.

“Jay, I forgot to tell you something yesterday” Howard said to his boyfriend, who was finishing tying up his trainers.

Jason lifted his gaze and smiled sweetly at his lover.

“Yes?”

“Yes, and you’re not going to like it”

“Have you cheated on me already?” he asked him jokingly.

“Yeah, that too” he joked back, trying to avoid the pillow thrown at his head by Jason, “but no, it’s something else. Lulu... Lulu knows about us”

“What? How?” Jason asked, very surprised.

“She kind of guessed and then I stupidly confirmed it to her” Howard smiled apologetically at him.

“She’s not going to tell Nigel, is she?” Jason asked him worriedly.

Howard, who had already finished getting dressed, sat on Jason’s bed, right at his side.

“No, she promised. Not that she likes Nigel very much anyway, she’s on our side”

Jason sighed and Howard picked up his hand.

“Hey, it’s not that big a deal, is it?”

“I don’t really care that Lulu knows, she’s wonderful. I worry about how easy it was for her to figure it out”

“Yes, but the others don’t have a clue. Don’t worry, love”

“I don’t know...”

“Look, I just told you in case she tells you something. Well, that and because I don’t want to hide anything from you. But if I had known you’d worry so much...”

Jason smiled at Howard and lifted their joined hands to kiss Howard’s.

“It’s okay. You’re right, it’s not that big a deal”

Howard responded with a kiss to Jason’s temple and stood up, bringing Jason up too on his way.

“Ok, so let’s go have some breakfast and have this video done with. We don’t want to be late, do we?”

“We surely don’t!”

**********

Today the filming was to take place in a club, and there were a lot of extras –very strangely dressed, they had noticed– to fill it and make it look like a party. Lulu would be there too, and they all just had to dance and generally be around.

This time all the joking went to Mark, who had to wear a weird skirt and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt, and to Robbie, whose hat was almost as big as half of him.

They filmed the scene of them entering the club, walking in line, and then the director discovered a grille in the place that would look good in the video with some of the boys passing it by. He looked at them and decided he wanted Jason and Howard to do it.

“Call the two lovebirds, I want them passing by behind that grille” the director told his assistant quietly with a knowing smirk –they obviously had talked about what the assistant had seen the day before.

They didn’t mean for anybody to hear their joking, but Nigel had only been a few feet away from them and had clearly heard them, although he didn’t know who they were referring to. He followed the assistant with his gaze and could see how the man asked Jason and Howard to accompany him towards where the director had wanted them.

Nigel remained still and pensive for a good while as the shooting continued. What had the director mean with this “lovebirds” thing? He probably was one of these homophobes they had to deal with frequently, that immediately supposed that being a member of a boyband meant necessarily being gay. And as Howard and Jason were very close and were never too far away from each other, he contemptuously had nicknamed them like that. Or maybe not...

Nigel looked at them, laughing at some joke Howard had made, and saw the gazes they exchanged, their hand always touching the other. And then a lot of things came to his mind: how lately Howard had set himself as Jason’s protector –even as much as to defend him in front of Nigel himself–, how they were together absolutely every minute of the day, how Howard had asked to share the room with Jason instead of drawing lots, how scared he had looked when Jason had almost fainted some days ago and how he had remained by his side all day after that... Could it possibly be...? No, they knew something like that would not be permitted. But maybe that was why they were keeping it a secret?

Although he couldn’t be sure about it being true, Nigel didn’t know what annoyed him the most: the fact they were having an affair even if they knew they were not supposed to get too close to each other or the fact that Jason had rejected him but had given himself to Howard so willingly. He felt jealous, angry, spiteful, enraged. And he knew he couldn’t directly ask them about it –he didn’t want to show his jealousy or be proven wrong if it was no true–, so he had to figure out some way to find out without having to ask about it. The perfect idea came to him in a heartbeat.

He approached the director to make a suggestion about the video.

“Hey, I have an idea. Why don’t we have one of the boys having a shower with one of these beautiful girls around here?”

“A shower? In a club?”

“Well, it could be outside, with a hosepipe. I think it could look sexy, don’t you?”

“I guess so. So would the singer be doing it?”

“No, I think Jason would be best. He’s the one on the green trousers”

“Ok, I’ll get my crew to get the back of the club ready to do it. As it will be mostly close-ups we won’t be needing much of a background, fortunately”

“Great” Nigel smiled happily, seeing as once again he had got his own way. Now he would see how willing Jason was to shoot a sexy scene with another person that wasn’t Howard or if, on the contrary, he would feel uncomfortable about it. And it wouldn’t hurt to see Howard’s reaction, either.

**********

A while later, when they had shot a couple more scenes at the club and the boys were grabbing a bite, Nigel went to Jason to explain what was expected of him. He made sure Howard was around to hear it too, of course.

“Jason, there’s one more scene to shoot, and this is only for you”

Jason looked surprised at this, but listened intently at his manager.

“You’ll be filming a pretty sexy shower with one of the girls at the back of the club. Nice, isn’t it?” Nigel told him, with a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

Nigel looked at Howard to see if he got any reaction, but if Howard had been any upset at the situation, he surely didn’t show it, as he kept eating the cookie he had in his hand as if he hadn’t even heard Nigel. Jason, on the other hand, was a bit easier to read.

“Why me?” he asked.

“And why not?”

“Well, I just... don’t feel comfortable doing that”

“Why? Is there any reason to not want to do it?” Nigel insisted.

“Not really, just...”

“It’s not like there’s someone out there who wouldn’t like to see you doing this with another person, is it?”

“No, of course not, I just know I’ll feel embarrassed about it” Jason was quick to deny it, which annoyed Nigel immensely when he saw this whole scheme hadn’t got him anywhere.

“Well, you’ll do it all the same. Come on, get going, the director will tell you what to do. And make sure to make it look hot!”

**********

Not much later, the scene with the shower was shot and Jason, completely drenched, made his way to the dressing room, where a fluffy towel had been laid there for him to use. Nigel was talking to the director, finalizing the details about the editing of the video after having finished the shooting, so he didn’t see Howard sneaking into the dressing room too.

Howard took the towel from Jason’s hand and took it to his hair to lovingly rub it and dry it, to which Jason remained still, obediently. When he was satisfied enough with the dryness, he lowered the towel to dry Jason’s face and neck, and it was then that he noticed Jason’s troubled expression.

“Hey” Howard said, gently lifting Jason’s face with a finger under his chin, “is there something wrong, sweetie?”

“I don’t like having done that”

“What? The video?” Howard asked, totally confused.

“No, I mean the part with... the girl” Jason said in a small voice, embarrassed, making Howard chuckle.

“And why would that be? Was the water too cold?” Howard joked.

“You know what I mean. I felt like I was cheating on you”

“Why? Did you enjoy it?”

“No!” Jason was quick to deny.

“Then? It’s part of our job, it’s just acting, I know it means nothing. It’s like me on the  _Pray_  video, with the girl on the fountain”

“Yes, but it’s not the same, because we were not together then”

“Yeah, but what I mean is that I had to do it and I know how it is. Believe me, I don’t feel cheated at all”

“You sure?”

“Of course! Besides I think it’s great, now you feel like you owe me and I’m sure you’ll be extra loving tonight” Howard joked so as to make him feel better.

“Very funny. No, seriously, even if you are okay with it, I didn’t like doing it. Nigel knew it and all the same he insisted it had to be me”

“Well, you have a nice body, I would have picked you too”

“No, if that were the case he would have picked you. Aren’t you  _the body_  after all? He just wanted to upset me”

“How would he know doing a hot scene with a girl would upset you?”

“I don’t know, but I swear I felt like he knew about us and wanted to screw it”

“It’s impossible that he knows, we’ve been very careful”

“Have we? Lulu knew”

“Yeah, I know, but she was watching us from the outside, she didn’t know we were already that close and physical before. Nigel and the lads see us every day and we haven’t changed our behaviour in front of them that much, have we?”

“I don’t know, Nigel is very clever, and wicked too. He’s capable of anything, you know it”

They couldn’t keep their conversation as the door opened and the other three broke in. Howard swiftly moved a bit away from Jason and started changing while Jason continued drying himself with the towel.

“Hey, Jay, nice scene out there!” Robbie said, jokingly lascivious.

“Was it?” Jason answered, not too interested in the conversation but trying not to look rude.

“Hey, how come I never get the girl in our videos?” he insisted.

“Maybe because you’re a little kid and women prefer us grown and fit men” Jason answered sarcastically, already feeling better about the whole shower thing and his suspicions about Nigel.

“Besides you got to flirt with the girl in  _It only takes a minute_ ” Howard added, relieved to see some tension leave Jason’s figure.

“But we just got to look at each other and smile! Not exactly what I had in mind!” Robbie protested.

“I am too tired to be discussing this nonsense, mate” Jason replied, and all the other, including Robbie, laughed. Although funny in a way, it had been a couple of exhausting days, and they were glad they were over so they could return to the hotel and rest.

**********

When Howard came back from the bathroom of his room that night after having a shower, he found Jason was already asleep, but he had to smile when he noticed he had laid down directly on Howard’s bed, his own bed untouched. They hadn’t slept apart one single night since their first time and, even if it was only to sleep, Howard loved the presence of Jason’s body next to his, the sound of his breathing, the warmth of his skin. They didn’t care if the bed was ridiculously narrow for the two of them, the way they curled around each other made them not take much more space than one person would do.

So with all the care of the world, as he knew Jason was a light sleeper, he got in the bed and pressed himself against Jason back, placing an arm around his waist so as to hold him firmly, protectively, almost possessively. He planted one soft kiss in Jason’s bare shoulder and closed his eyes to join his lover in his sleep.


	11. Chapter 11

Jason sighed as he opened his eyes in the morning. He must have felt pretty tired, because he had had a great night’s sleep. So great that he hadn’t even moved all night. Not that he would have been able, if he had wanted, as Howard’s arm around his waist was holding him quite firmly, he thought with a smile. He could hear Howard still softly snoring behind him as he looked at his watch: time to get up now.

He carefully turned around in Howard’s embrace, not ready yet to make his way out of his boyfriend’s arms, and put his own arm around him. He was about to wake him up when he was spellbound by Howard’s beauty on his sleep, and he caressed his face with his knuckles. He felt so fortunate to be with him... Not because of his beauty –well, that too, he was not blind!–, but for his kindness and naturalness. And his sense of humour, of course. There were no words for Jason to describe how grateful he was to have fallen in love with his best friend. Wow, could he already call it love? Maybe it was a bit hasty; after all, they had been together for like, what, two weeks? It was not a long time. But the truth was that their feelings for each other came from a long way back before that, so to call it  _love_  may not be that crazy. And yes, maybe he was just being his usual self and was just over thinking this. Less thinking and more enjoying it, he said to himself as he planted a kiss on Howard’s nose and started tracing circles on his back.

“Rise and shine, sleepy head” he softly whispered in his ear, so as to wake him slowly and tenderly.

Howard didn’t open his eyes yet, but by the smile that broke instantly on his lips Jason knew he had succeeded at his purpose.

“Come on, stop pretending, I can see you’re awake. Stop ignoring me already and give me the kiss I deserve” Jason implored teasingly.

Howard chuckled and breathed deep sleepily before he opened his eyes, cupped Jason’s cheek and joined their lips in a kiss that lingered.

“That’s better” Jason told him with a big smile as the kiss broke, while Howard played with the hair behind his lover’s ear. “Morning, by the way”

“Morning, love” Howard answered.

There it was, the word  _love_  again. Jason suddenly felt happily overwhelmed by the feeling that this was turning into something serious and wonderful, and hid his head under Howard’s chin while tightening his embrace on him fiercely.

“Is everything okay, sweetie?” Howard asked him tenderly while he kept caressing the back of his head, as he sensed the rush of feelings coming from his boyfriend.

“Everything is perfect” Jason answered sincerely, his voice muffled by Howard’s chest, sending him a breathtaking tickling sensation as Jason’s breath played on his skin. “It’s just...”

“Just what?” Howard encouraged him to finish the sentence.

“That I feel so happy being here with you that I feel that my heart is going to burst, and I wish this moment could last forever” Jason answered, lifting his head and looking directly at Howard’s face.

Howard couldn’t explain the immense happiness that filled his heart at Jason’s words, though it was quite visible though the goofy grin that broke on his lips. Not trusting his ability to answer the beautiful words of his boyfriend ad he deserved, he preferred to go into action and he captured Jason’s lips with passion, making him turn until he was lying on his back and climbing on top of him, not breaking the kiss for a second.

“How, we don’t have time for this” Jason mumbled against his boyfriend’s lips, even as he put his arm around Howard’s neck to bring him even closer.

“Then we will have to be late, won’t we?” Howard answered, only leaving Jason’s lips to tenderly kiss his neck, to which Jason didn’t offer any resistance.

Then, without a warning, the handle of their room’s door started turning and the characteristic sound of the door starting to open filled their room. Jason freed himself from under Howard and jumped from the bed at a speed Howard marvelled at. Lucky for them, they both had their pyjama bottoms on, or it would have been very very difficult to explain.

“Hey guys” Robbie greeted them, jovially, as he entered the room.

“Morning, Rob. Hey listen, do you know how to knock?” Jason said, trying to hide his annoyance at almost being caught not very successfully.

“Hey, if you don’t want people entering your room you should lock the door” Robbie replied, not really caring about Jason’s reprimand and coming to lie in Jason’s still-made bed.

“Yeah, that would be a good idea in the future” Jason said, slyly sending a knowing look to Howard, making him chuckle shamelessly.

“What are you doing still in bed, by the way? It’s almost time for breakfast” Robbie asked.

“We just overslept” Howard said, already getting up.

“Yes, I forgot to set the alarm clock, apparently. We just woke up” Jason explained as an excuse.

“How come your bed is made?” Robbie asked, confused and oblivious to the glances being exchanged between the secret lovers.

“I... I was just finishing making it when you came in”

“You know we have room service, right?” Robbie asked, completely puzzled.

“I know, I just... I don’t like them doing it for me when I’m perfectly capable, I’m not that bourgeois” Jason said, and Howard had to stifle a laugh at his boyfriend’s inability to lie.

“I’ve always thought you are weird, and you prove me right every day. Well, I just came to borrow the hat you were wearing the other day, Howard. May I?”

“Yes, of course, it’s right there, on the desk. But don’t lose it, alright?”

“Of course not, I’ll be careful” Robbie promised as he picked the hat up and put it on. “I’ll get going now, I don’t want to be late, as you will be if you don’t hurry”

“Don’t worry, we’ll hurry” Howard told him, already getting his clothes ready for the day.

“Ok, later!” Robbie said, already at the door.

Just as Robbie closed the door, Howard burst out laughing at the whole situation and at Jason’s embarrassed expression.

“Don’t laugh, it was close” Jason said seriously, although he couldn’t help smiling a little too.

“I know, but it was just so funny... You’re a terrible liar!” Howard said as he put his arms around Jason’s waist. “Which could come in quite handy for me, if you ever try to hide something from me...” he joked before kissing him softly.

“None of that now, honey, we have to hurry” Jason said, although he didn’t make a move to extricate himself from Howard’s embrace. It seemed that his self-control had not awakened yet today.

“We’ll just have to have our showers together to save time, then” Howard said, gently pushing Jason backwards with his body to the bathroom and kissing him all the way.

“Yeah, like that will save us time!” Jason answered with a laugh, mumbling against Howard’s lips.

“I promise I’ll be good” Howard said, already pulling Jason’s waistband.

“And who asked you to be?” Jason answered with a lustful voice as he pulled a smiling Howard into the shower and possessively grabbed his arms around his lover’s neck.

**********

Of course they got to be late for breakfast –not that they cared much about it, considering how well invested their time had been–, and when they arrived the others had already finished and were standing up to begin with their day.

“No, don’t ever bother to sit” Nigel told them as they arrived to the dining room, already angry. “You don’t get to have breakfast if you’re unable to be here on time”

“What? Don’t be ridiculous, Nigel, we’ll be quick” Howard protested.

“Well, you seem to be getting the same problems to understand instructions that your  _friend_  here” Nigel said, pointing at Jason with his head and making sure as to pronounce the word  _friend_  meaningfully. “Maybe he passed his inability on you. After all, with the two of you spending so much time together something like that was bound to happen, wasn’t it?”

Jason could feel that not one of Nigel’s words were unintentional, that under his speech there was knowledge, or at least suspicion, about what was going on between Howard and him. He had to make a great effort not to let his face show the uneasiness he was feeling.

“If you want us to get along you should measure your words when talking about him, Nigel. And we are not facing a whole day of dancing with nothing in our stomachs. You already saw what happened the last time” Howard said as he defiantly took his place on the table and looked at Jason knowingly, asking him with his eyes to do the same, to which Jason immediately obliged.

“Careful there, Howard, you better not start talking back to me too or...”

“Or what, you’ll do the same to me that you did to Jason, are you going to...”

“Howard, shut up” Jason hissed at him to stop him before he made it too obvious that Jason had explained everything to him, and before the others knew how he had been threatened to be thrown out of the band.

Howard immediately shut up on behalf of his boyfriend’s wishes, not because he didn’t feel like having a necessary talking with Nigel.

Nigel had to hide a smirk because, as much as it infuriated him that Howard would openly defy him in front of the others, his suspicions had been easily confirmed twice: by Howard’s protection of Jason once again, and by the two of them conveniently ignoring his insinuations about them being friends or spending too much time together.

“Just grab something and take it with you, so we can get going to the gym”

Jason and Howard compromised with that and just picked some fruit and sandwiches and followed the others.

“You shouldn’t have done that” Jason reproached Howard with a whisper.

“What? Not letting myself being trampled?” Howard asked, surprised.

“No, you just confirmed everything to him”

“How?”

“We’ll talk about it later” Jason answered crossly, hurrying along to keep with his bandmates. Howard kept pondering what Jason had said. Had he really confirmed their relationship to Nigel? Well then, if that was the case so be it, he was getting tired of hiding, as if they were doing something wrong. Yes, if Jason wanted to talk, they would talk. They couldn’t go on like that.

**********

The tension between the two of them and Nigel was palpable throughout the day. Everything they did was wrong in his eyes, and he didn’t refrain himself at all to tell them. On top of that, it seemed like he couldn’t get his eyes off them, as if he was controlling each one of their moves, and he didn’t let them on their own to work one single second of the day.

So both Howard and Jason were pretty tired and quite on the edge that evening when they went to their room to have a little rest and get changed for dinner. Jason was quite, almost morose, as he folded his clothes with his back to his boyfriend, and although Howard didn’t like to see him like this, he knew they had to talk before he could go and comfort him.

“I thought you wanted to talk” Howard told his boyfriend, calmly.

Jason sighed loudly and turned around to face him. Howard had expected to find anger, irritation, even disappointment at Howard’s lack of control with his words, in his lover’s gaze, but he was shocked to only find an immense sadness in the blue depths that were his eyes. Howard couldn’t believe how a day that had started so great could have changed so badly.

“I don’t think we can go on with this” Jason answered, his voice slightly shaking.

“With what?” Howard asked, afraid he knew what the other meant.

“With... you and me. It can’t work” Jason responded, his voice breaking.

“What do you mean it can’t work? It has worked perfectly fine until now!”

“You know why, Nigel will screw it up”

“I didn’t know Nigel was a part of this relationship. I thought this was just between you and me”

“But it isn’t! It’s already happening!” Jason’s voice started to grow in volume because of the tension he was feeling.

“If you mean how he told me off today...”

“Yes, I’m talking about that, and about the horrible day we had because of him, and this is just the beginning! It’s now clear that he knows. We better leave it here, while he might still think that this is just a fling. If he finds out it’s something more...”

“Let him find out, I don’t care”

“But I do! The last thing I want is to cause you any trouble! I don’t mind taking his abuses, but I’m not risking it that you have to go through that too because of me. What if he discovers that he can hurt me through you?”

“Shouldn’t I be the one deciding what I’m willing to risk?”

“The decision is made” Jason told him, turning away from him, tears in his voice.

“I never thought you would be such a coward” Howard told him before he was able to stop himself.

“This is not about being brave, it’s not about me!” Jason yelled at him.

 “Then who is this about?”

“I’m trying to protect you! I’m afraid for you and of what he might do if he finds out that I love you!” Jason yelled.

Both of them remained speechless at the implications of Jason’s words. Howard couldn’t believe Jason had told him he loved him. Even if he had said it in anger, it was so wonderful and he was so moved that he could not form any words.

Jason, on the other hand, had not meant to say that, at least not yet. Even before the horrible day they had had and before making the decision to break up with Howard, he was still thinking about if it was too soon to talk about love and had not yet decided if he should say something or not –though he knew that if an impulse had made him say it, it was because it was true. But the lack of response on Howard made him think that he had rushed things too much, that Howard was not in the same place that he was, and he felt his heart breaking into pieces.

“Maybe... maybe we made a mistake in the first place” Jason said softly, all the previous anger turned into sorrow, as he made his way to the door and left the room, leaving Howard standing there, dumbfounded, not sure if he should be happy that Jason loved him or devastated that he had just broken up with him.


	12. Chapter 12

Howard was about to go after Jason, but realised he needed a moment to himself to think, as just too many things had happened in a heartbeat. He went to the bathroom and threw some water on his face and neck to refresh himself and to calm his nerves, so he could serenely weight everything from every possible perspective.

The most important thing would be that Jason loved him. Yes, of course he had known Jason had strong feelings for him and they were great when together, but they still hadn’t talked about love. A tiny smile curved the corners of Howard’s lips when he again told himself that such a wonderful person loved him. Him. How great was that?

He didn’t need to give it too much thought to realise he loved Jason too. He really was desperately in love with him. And he needed to tell him that, because Jason could well be thinking that Howard did not return his love. After all, he had remained stupidly quiet after such a big declaration and Jason had left practically crying. Oh my God, Howard thought, how could he have hurt him so bad, when the truth was he loved him with all his heart? He really needed to tell him, Jason needed to know.

But he had one more thing to think about: even if Jason had told him he loved him, he had broken up with him. Not because of him, that was true. It had been out of fear for Howard and about how Nigel would react, but the thing was he didn’t want them to be together anymore. If he could just made Jason see things like he did... Couldn’t Jason see that leaving him hurt him much more than anything Nigel could do? No, they needed to be together, and he was not taking “no” as an answer, he thought as he left the room in search of his love.

**********

Jason walked fast along the streets of London, trying to calm his nerves and ease a bit of the sadness that had invaded his heart. It was like his mind couldn’t assimilate all the massive changes in his life that had brought him to the state that he was now.

Several weeks ago Howard was only his best friend. Then he suddenly became something more and it was wonderful, to the point that Jason had fallen in love with him. But now he had been stupid enough to rush things too much and Howard had got scared. And even if that wasn’t enough, outside forces were pulling them apart. In fact, now that he thought about it, it was better if Howard didn’t feel about him as strongly as he did; that way, he would suffer less, which was Jason’s whole purpose when he broke up with him. But that didn’t stop his own heart from breaking at thinking how happiness had been so near his reach and now, all of a sudden, was gone.

**********

Howard went into the common room, hoping to find his boyfriend –yes, he was not ready to stop calling him that– there as he sometimes went to sit on one of the sofas and read a book. Though it was true that he only did it if Howard was there with him, listening to his music, both feeling comfortable on the company of each other. And Howard didn’t think Jason would be in the mood for reading right now. But of course, he had to check, just in case.

He didn’t find him there, but instead, he found the other three boys playing cards.

“Hey boys” Howard greeted them, trying to look cool so they didn’t see he was dying inside. “Have you seen Jason?”

“Yes, he went for a walk” Gary answered. Then he lifted his gaze to look at Howard more seriously. “He seemed pretty upset about something”

“Did he?” Howard answered sadly, obviously not surprised.

“Yes, I asked him what was wrong, but he told me he just had a bad day. He looked too miserable to me to be just that, he was on the verge of tears. He even grabbed a couple of pieces of fruit because he said he didn’t feel like having dinner”

Howard sighed loudly, feeling guiltier by the minute.

“What’d wrong, Doug?” Gary asked him, worried, but Howard was not in the mood for explanations.

“Thanks, mate” he told Gary with a sad smile and went away.

**********

Like Gary had said, Jason didn’t make it to dinner. Howard and Gary made an excuse for him in front of Nigel, telling him that he wasn’t feeling very well and had decided to skip the meal, and Howard didn’t now if he was becoming paranoid but he thought he saw some satisfaction in Nigel’s face that things didn’t seem to be going well.

Right after dinner, Howard flew to his room to check if Jason had returned but, as he had feared, there was still no trace of him. But that was Jason: if he was worried, scared or sad –and now he probably was all three– he needed time alone, he needed to walk far and tire himself before he coulsd starte feeling better. So it would probably still be some time before he returned, and Howard laid on his bed to wait for him. He thought about listening to some music to pass the time, but he was not in the mood, so he just laid there, in the darkness, waiting.

Finally, more than hour later, the door of the room opened almost soundlessly and Jason entered slowly, sorrow evident in every muscle of his face and body. Howard immediately sat up and turned up the little lamp on his bedside table, startling Jason.

“I thought you would be asleep by now” he whispered, not looking at him.

“I needed to talk to you”

“We’ve said everything we...” Jason answered, still with his back to him.

“I love you” Howard interrupted him confidently.

“Howard, you don’t have to...”

“Did you hear me? I said I love you”

Finally Jason turned around to face him, but didn’t move from his place, far from Howard, afraid of not been able to resist him if he came any closer.

“You don’t have to say it just because I did”

“No, but I have to say it because it’s the truth” Howard said as he stood up and moved in front of Jason, picking up his hand. “I should have told you before you went, but I was just too overwhelmed by everything and apparently I lost my ability to talk”

Jason studied Howard’s face for a few seconds, hopeful, searching Howard’s eyes to see if he was honest or if was only saying it to make him feel better. Finally he looked away and shook his head.

“It doesn’t change a thing anyway, you know why we can’t be together”

Howard grabbed him around the waist and captured his lips in a strong kiss, to which Jason wanted to resist but wasn’t able to. The long kiss left them both panting long after it broke, and Howard rested his forehead against Jason’s as he traced circles with his thumb on the small of Jason’s back.

“Tell me you don’t want this” Howard dared Jason.

Jason sighed sadly, but didn’t move away from Howard.

“I never said I didn’t want it”

“But if we both want it and we have already established we love each other, isn’t it worth it to fight for it? Isn’t this what love is about?”

“Oh, Howard, why do you have to make this so hard for me? Don’t you understand that what I want is...”

“To protect me, yes, I know. You keep worrying about what Nigel would be able to do to hurt me, and I appreciate it, I really do even if it doesn’t look like it, but you fail to see that not being with you hurts me much more than anything he could do”

Jason remained silent for a moment, and Howard could see he was thinking heavily, considering Howard’s words, so Howard went on to help him make the decision he expected of him.

“You’re doing exactly what he wants you to do, can’t you see it? He has got us apart without even trying.  Come on, we can fight this together. I can fight anything with you by my side”

“I want to believe you so badly” Jason told him, a tear rolling down his cheek.

“Then do” Howard insisted, capturing the lonely tear with his thumb, caressing Jason’s cheek.

“I’m not afraid for me”

“I know. I’m sorry I called you a coward”

“I want you to understand that I’m not a coward. I would fight for myself, I already do, but to include you on this... You didn’t ask to be caught in that war”

“But I accepted it when I fell in love with you. It’s not about me or you anymore, it’s just about us”

Jason hesitated for a second and then threw himself in Howard’s arms, holding his neck firmly with his arms and resting his chin on Howard’s shoulder after depositing a shy kiss on his cheek. Howard sighed shakily, relieved and enormously happy, and returned the embrace putting one arm around Jason’s waist and another one around his shoulders, holding onto him firmly as he kissed the side of his neck.

“I love you” Jason whispered in his ear, his voice shaky with unshed tears.

“I love you too” Howard whispered back.

Jason lifted his head from Howard’s shoulder to kiss him avidly, almost desperately. Howard just clutched Jason’s body more strongly until he lifted him from the floor and started carrying him towards one of the beds, their kiss never breaking.

Howard carefully laid Jason down on the bed and climbed on top of him. He just broke the kiss for a second to look at Jason’s face and dry another lonely tear that was making its way through Jason’s cheek. When Jason smiled at him, reassuringly, Howard cupped Jason’s cheeks and smiled back at him before resuming their kiss, this time more slowly and tenderly, taking his time to savour the lips he had been so close to lose.

**********

Later that night, Howard and Jason laid tangled together on one of the single beds of the room they shared. Jason was curled at Howard’s side, his head laid on Howard’s shoulder and his long fingers lazily tracing invisible paths on Howard’s bare chest. Howard laid on his back, with an arm around Jason slowly stroking his side, his other hand caressing the arm Jason had on his chest.

Howard noticed that Jason was very quiet, and he started worrying he was having second thoughts about them.

“Are you okay, sweetie?” Howard asked, looking down at his lover. Jason just lifted his head to look at Howard and gave him one of his million-dollar smiles, making Howard’s heart skip a beat.

“I’m great” he answered honestly, as he kissed Howard’s chest.

“You’re awfully quiet, though” Howard answered, but Jason only shrugged his shoulders in response, which made Howard figure out exactly what was going through his love’s mind. “Did I tell you about the conversation I had with Lulu the other day?”

“No, you didn’t”

“She told me we shouldn’t take any abuse from Nigel. That he’s only a manager, and between the five of us we have more power than him”

“Well, Lulu knows what works for her, but does not know about our situation. He’s not our manager and that’s it, we have a contract to him and he is the boss. We can’t just fire him, it’s completely the opposite. He is the one who can throw any of us out of the band”

“You may be right, but if the five of us confront him...” Howard insisted.

“Let’s not get the other guys into this too, ok? It’s bad enough I dragged you into it without the other boys being a part of it too”

“They love you, they would gladly support you in this”

“I don’t have a doubt they would, that’s why I don’t want to tell them anything. They are having the time of their lives, they are so happy with how things are going. If we confront Nigel he is bound to change everything for them too, and then the band would be a nightmare. Who am I to do that to them?”

“It wouldn’t be you doing it, it would be Nigel”

“Yes, but all the same... No, let’s not involve them, we’ll figure out something else”

“I don’t know...”

“Please, Howard, I want it like this. And please, can we now just talk about something else? We just got together again and we told each other “I love you”! We should not be talking about Nigel!” Jason joked.

Howard chuckled at that, not really satisfied with the resolution of their conversation but glad to see Jason in higher spirits. So he just squeezed Jason more firmly to his chest and kissed the top of his head.

“Do you know that soon we won’t be sharing rooms anymore?” Howard explained, changing topics as Jason has asked him to do. “We already got a number one, and I’m sure that another one on the way. We are famous and rich now! I heard Nigel saying we will be having a room for each one from now on”

“Well, we’ll just have to sneak on each other’s room, won’t we? In fact is going to be so much easier, ‘cause that way we won’t have to make silly excuses to always want to share a room together!” Jason joked, resting his chin on Howard’s chest to look at him.

“You’re right about that” Howard laughed with him, placing Jason’s hair behind his ear when he noticed Jason shivering slightly. “Are you cold? You’ve got goose bumps” he asked him tenderly.

“A little bit”

“Let me put the sheets over us” Howard said, stretching his arm to grab the sheet that had been covering them only to the waist and spreading it to cover Jason’s exposed shoulder lovingly, planting a kiss on his nose after that. Jason smiled at him lovingly and then covered both their heads with the linens, isolating them from the outside.

Jason looked at Howard, his gaze full of love, and smiled at his boyfriend’s confused expression.

“That’s how I would love everything to be. Just us. Nothing else”

Howard understood what he meant and leant over to capture Jason’s lips in a searing kiss, tracing the outline of Jason’s face with his thumb all the way. Jason moved to lay flat on his back and Howard followed him until he was lying on top of him, not breaking the kiss. When the lack of oxygen forced them to separate, Howard remained still for a second, just contemplating Jason’s face as if it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. Then he lifted his hand to move Jason’s hair out of his forehead and leant down again to kiss Jason with all the love that he had. Then he moved down Jason’s body to lay a tiny kiss in the middle of Jason’s chest and rested his head there, his hands at Jason’s sides, holding him firmly. He could feel Jason’s heartbeat like this, and it was a sound so beautiful and familiar that it lulled him to sleep. Jason kissed his lover’s forehead and guided his hands to Howard’s hair to caress it, even as he could feel slumber taking hold of him too. He welcomed it and fell asleep with the weight of Howard’s head over his heart.


	13. Chapter 13

Next day as everyone was having breakfast together, Nigel made an announcement.

“Boys, I have business to attend at Manchester, so I’m leaving now to catch a plane, but I’ll be back tomorrow, first thing in the morning, so I’ll only be gone for a day. My not being here doesn’t mean you don’t have to keep working, alright?”

“Nigel, who do you take us for?” Gary asked him.

“I hope I don’t have to be disappointed when I come back” Nigel said as he cleaned his mouth with his napkin and stood up. “I’ll see you boys tomorrow”

And with that he left. They all waited patiently until they were sure Nigel was out of ear-shot and then they began whooping and celebrating their freedom –even if it was only for a day.

“Guys, calm down or he is going to hear us even from the airport!” Jason laughed.

“Ok, dudes, what are we going to do today?” Robbie asked, already foreseeing a day of madness and fun.

“Rehearse” Jason answered.

“Yeah, right” Robbie answered sarcastically. “No, seriously, what can we do?”

“Rob, I was being serious” Jason insisted. “We have a lot to do before the Tour starts, and it’s only a few weeks away” Obviously Jason was worried about the choreographies not ready on time, because he felt –and Nigel had made it clear– that was his only contribution to the band.

“That’s why one day won’t make much a difference, will it? Come on, don’t be such a wet blanket”

“Hey, how about this?” Mark intervened. “How about if we all compromise to have the morning off to have fun, and then rehearse at the afternoon”

“It’s a good idea!” Gary conceded. “So how about it, boys?”

“Just the morning off?” Robbie sulkily asked.

“Fine by me, but you have to promise to work this afternoon without complaint” Jason insisted.

“We promise” Robbie said, although Jason couldn’t tell if he should believe him. “So what can we do?”

“What about the pool?” Howard suggested. “We’ve hardly used it since we came”

“What a great idea!” Mark enthusiastically agreed. “Come on, let’s get going!”

**********

They spent a lot of time in the water, swimming, jumping from the edge, having a few drinks, and generally fooling around, not having been able to enjoy the swimming pool very much since they came to the hotel, thanks to Nigel’s strict control over them.

“Oh, this is the life, I tell you!” Gary exclaimed as he floated on his back, but Robbie pressed his body down so he ended underwater.

“Yes, I wish Nigel would go away more often, he’s such a control-freak!” Mark exclaimed.

“Nigel just wants the best for us, that’s all” Gary defended him.

Jason remained thoughtful at this for a second. It they only knew... Howard saw his expression and knew what he was thinking about, so he smiled at him in a reassuring gesture and Jason smiled back.

“I bet he does what’s best for himself too...” Howard couldn’t keep himself from adding.

“Why do you say that?” Gary asked, confused.

“I... just don’t see him as selfless and generous as you do” Howard answered evasively.

“But why?”

“Hey come on, he’s not here one day and we keep talking about him?” Jason intervened to finish the conversation before Howard could say something he shouldn’t.

“You’re right, let’s forget about him!” Robbie said as he pressed Gary’s head under the water again.

“Will you leave me alone already?” Gary told him, annoyed, when he made it to the surface again, making all the others laugh.

A while later, Gary, Mark and Robbie decided to do a swimming race to the other side of the pool –they didn’t let Jason and Howard participate because they considered that fit as they were they would have too much advantage over the others–, and Jason was supposed to be the judge.

Jason whistled as a sign for them to begin the race and they started swimming like crazy under Jason’s watchful gaze.

“I’m in such a need of doing some things to you right now that would be unsuitable for children...” Howard whispered lasciviously on Jason’s ear, coming up behind him and putting his arms around his waist, carefully under the water, so the others wouldn’t see if they stopped or something.

“Howard, please” Jason whispered back as he moved a little away from him, a smile breaking on his lips.

“You have no idea how hot you look in this swimsuit. And I can’t stop thinking how hot you would look without it”

Jason chuckled at Howard’s insinuations, unconsciously moving away from him as Howard kept approaching, afraid of not been able to resist if he came any closer.

“Can’t you think of anything else at all?” Jason joked.

“Not with you all wet and with so little clothing on you in front of me! Why have we’ve never thought to come to the swimming pool alone?”

“I don’t know. But how about it if we come tonight, after dinner?”

Howard smiled mischievously and then grabbed Jason’s hand to pull and make him go underwater with him to join their lips together for a second without being seen. When they came to the surface again, Jason laughed and then started cheerfully throwing water at Howard and jumping on him to play.

“Hey Jay!” Robbie shouted from the other side of the pool. “I won, did I?”

“No way!” Mark shouted. “Jason, tell him it’s me who won!”

“Emmm...” Jason hesitated, embarrassed that he had missed the arrival of the race he was supposed to be watching. “Howard ducked me! I couldn’t see it!” Jason shamelessly accused Howard, who tried to look innocent.

“What? Water war!” Robbie cried as he swam towards them, and jumped at them to join them in their games, followed by the other two, until the five of them were creating such a big mess and racket that the hotel employees had to tell them off a little. By then they were too tired to go on, so they went to lie on deckchairs for a while –Howard making sure to put his closer to Jason’s than necessary to occasionally tickle him on his side and make him jump– and rested there until it was time for lunch.

**********

They were finishing with their lunch when Jason started getting restless, knowing they had a lot to do.

“Come on, guys, let’s finish and start with our rehearsals, we’re losing too much time”

“You were serious about that?” Robbie asked him, surprised.

“Of course I was serious! As I thought you were when you promised to work on the afternoon”

“I thought you were only joking” Robbie told him dismissively.

“I can’t believe this! And how about the rest of you, did you think I was joking too?” Jason asked the other boys.

“No, Jay, but come on, I’m so tired” Gary implored, never too willing to dance.

“Yes, we could take a little nap and rehearse later, couldn’t we?” Mark interfered.

“Yeah, I’m sure later you will be dying to rehearse” Jason replied sarcastically.

“We promise”

“Sure, like you promised before. So none of you have any intention to come to the gym with me and do our job?” Jason asked, clearly annoyed at his irresponsible friends.

“I’ll come with you, Jay” Howard offered, although he was sure that there wasn’t any need and Jason was already counting on him.

“Thanks, How. At least someone cares about our part of the job”

“Don’t get angry, Jay” Mark told him, feeling guilty. “Howard will come with you so you can get started if you feel like to, and we will come later”

“Yes, but it turns out Howard doesn’t need to learn the routines, he already knows them, as opposite to the rest of you. But it’s okay, I don’t want to argue, you come whenever you want, okay? Shall we get going, How?” Jason asked him, already standing up.

“Sure” Howard was quick to follow, sensing his boyfriend need a bit of support right now.

**********

After a while of perfecting the more complicated routines together at the gym, Howard could tell Jason, though not exactly angry, was a bit pissed off with their bandmates –not with him, of course– at their lack of commitment with what was genuinely his, the dancing. He had a lot of pressure on him from Nigel and even if they didn’t know that, they weren’t making it any easier, because if they didn’t learn the routines soon enough the blame would undoubtedly fall on Jason, one way or another.

“Don’t get angry at them, they don’t have as much pressure as you have on this” Howard told him reassuringly, lovingly massaging his bare shoulders when they stopped for a minute.

“I know but this is still our job, isn’t it? They should take it a bit more seriously”

“Not everyone is as responsible as you are”

Jason turned around to face him and smiled at him lovingly.

“Thank you for coming with me, by the way. I know you would have preferred to take a nap too”

“Let me see...” Howard feigned heavy thinking “sleeping alone or spending the afternoon dancing with you, all sweaty and sexy? It’s a hard decision, I tell you”

Jason laughed, which had been Howard’s purpose all the way.

“You’re so sweet”

“I know” Howard confirmed, making Jason chuckle again.

“And modest”

“I know that too” Howard said, coming to embrace his boyfriend. “But you love me”

“Sure I do” Jason answered, giving him a quick peck on the lips.

“So which part should we rehearse now?” Howard asked.

“Well, we haven’t tried the rock ‘n’ roll part for days, and it’s my favourite part of the entire show. Can we practise a little?”

“But I’m too tired to spin you around...” Howard groaned, but a smile was making its way through his lips when he realised what was going to happen: Jason was going to try and persuade him. And he would succeed, of course, because Howard was completely incapable of denying him anything.

Of course Howard was right and Jason’s arms went around his neck and he started planting wet kisses all along his cheeks, jaw and nose.

“Pleeeeease, How, do it for me!” Jason begged pitifully between kisses, as Howard tried hard to remain stoic and not to laugh. “Pretty please”

Finally Howard couldn’t resist it anymore and burst out laughing, to which Jason smiled triumphantly, as he knew he had, once again, achieved his purpose

“You are a spoiled bastard” Howard grumbled good-naturally.

“You should know, as you are the one who spoils me”

“You’re right, I don’t know why I complain about it...” he answered with a grin.

They practised the spins and turns for a while, because although funny, it was clearly the most difficult and dangerous part of the show, and they needed to have everything meticulously calculated so as not to end up injured, especially Jason.

After a while, on one of the tries, Jason jumped for Howard to catch him with so much impetus that Howard lost his balance and fell backwards on his butt, bringing Jason down with him, of course, both ending up in a mess of limps on the floor, laughing so hard that it was even hard to breath.

“Some Travolta you are, that you can’t even hold me!” Jason told him with a playful slap to his chest, still not able to stop laughing.

“Well, I think Olivia was much more delicate than you!” Howard answered back with a grin.

“You can’t blame me for my superior energy” Jason told him, as he climbed on top of Howard.

“Come on, I could beat you in the blink of an eye”

“You think you’re so strong!” Jason told him, feigning indignation.

“Well, it was you who told me I was stronger than you so I had to be Travolta”

“But that was just because I wanted to be Olivia and I needed an excuse”

“Oh really? And why would that be?”

“Because I love it when you play macho with me, lifting me from the floor, carrying me around...”

“Oh, you do?” Howard laughed, amusedly.

“I love it! But that doesn’t mean you’re stronger than me or that I’m always going to let you win”

“Oh, so you let me win”

“Always”

“Oh yeah?”

“Absolutely”

Howard caught Jason unaware and pulled his arm while he pushed him with his body to reverse their positions, so he ended up on top of him, pinning Jason to the floor with the weight of his body.

“I let you do that” Jason told him cheekily, making Howard laugh wholeheartedly.

“Of course you did” Howard answered ironically.

“You should take advantage of your position and kiss me now, shouldn’t you?” Jason told him, mockingly serious.

Howard chuckled again but obeyed, to which Jason took the chance and again reverted their positions, straddling Howard’s waist and pinning his wrists to the floor over his head.

“See?” Jason told him with a laugh.

“Ok yeah, you win today” Howard conceded, immensely happy at seeing Jason so carefree and playful.

“And any time I want” Jason answered, lowering the upper half of his body down to capture Howard’s lips in a powerful kiss, only then letting go off Howard’s wrists so Howard could envelop him in a strong embrace.

“I’ll let you get away with it, but only this time” Howard mumbled against his lips, cupping Jason’s arse jokingly with one hand.

“Hey, mister, none of that here!” Jason told him, but he made no move to stop him.

“Yeah, like you straddling me and all the kissing would leave much to the imagination if anyone decided to come in right now... I’m sure they would only focus in my hand on your bum”

Jason chuckled and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“You’re right, we shouldn’t be doing this here” Jason admitted, starting to lift himself from his boyfriend’s body, though Howard moved his hand to his waist and held him in place.

“One more kiss, first” Howard begged.

Jason smiled fondly and lowered his body again to oblige Howard with the kiss he had requested. Then, suddenly, the door to the gym broke open, forcefully, and standing there was Nigel, livid with anger and scary looking. He didn’t say anything, he just nodded as if confirming he had been proven right, and left as abruptly as he had come.

“Oh my God!” Jason groaned, as he freed Howard and hid his face behind his hands. “This is going to get so bad..."


	14. Chapter 14

“Oh God, oh God, oh God” Jason couldn’t stop himself from repeating, still crouched on the floor of the gym with his hands covering his face.

Howard sat up from where he had been lying and crouched in front of him. He took both Jason’s hands to uncover his face and squeezed them, looking at him.

“Hey, calm down, it’s not so bad”

“Not so bad? Howard, this is the worst thing that could have happened to us! And it’s all my fault, how could I be so stupid?”

“Hey, you’re not stupid! How were you to know he would enter right now? He was not even supposed to be here until tomorrow”

“But it could have been the boys anyway. We share a room, for God’s sake, couldn’t I wait to assault you ‘till the evening at least? What am I, a monkey?”

Despite the tension floating around them, Howard couldn’t help but burst out laughing at that, which didn’t seem too appropriate to Jason at the moment.

“It’s not funny, we are in big trouble here!”

“I know, I know” Howard answered apologetically, while still trying to hold his laughter.

“What are we going to do?” Jason asked, not really expecting an answer, as he stood up and started pacing the floor.

Howard sighed, not really knowing what to do or say to make Jason feel better. He was worried himself about the whole situation, of course, but clearly not as much as Jason. Yeah, Nigel had found out about them, or he had just confirmed his suspicions if he had had them, but so what? It was not like he was going to throw Jason out of the band, right? Even if he wanted to hurt him, and he would undoubtedly want to hurt him, Nigel was not stupid and he knew how important Jason was for the band, and his main purpose was to make money, so...

He was about to stand up himself when the other three boys knocked on the open door and entered without waiting for an answer.

“Hello, hello!” Mark greeted them happily. “You see, Jay? We came!”

Jason just looked at them and nodded, but he was so distressed that he couldn’t even manage to offer his trademark smile, something that didn’t go unnoticed to any of the boys.

“You alright, Jay?” Gary asked, always very sensitive to atmospheres.

“Yeah, yeah, everything’s perfect” Jason answered, trying to offer a smile this time, but not fooling anyone.

“You are not still pissed off at us, are you?” Mark asked, feeling a little guilty they had not taken more seriously Jason’s job before, as it clearly had offended him.

“No, of course not. Don’t worry, really. Shall we start with the rehearsal?”

“One second, Jay” Howard interrupted him. “Boys, you should know Nigel is already back”

“What?” Robbie exclaimed. “Wasn’t he supposed to be back tomorrow?”

“Yes, that’s what I thought, but he’s here alright”

“Was he angry at us about the not-rehearsing thing?” Gary asked, thinking maybe they had had a little discussion and that was why Jason looked so troubled.

“No, he didn’t say much...” Howard explained evasively, though it was not a lie at all.

“So come on, we better start working already before he comes again and finds us lazing around” Jason hurried them, anxious to start dancing and liberate some of the tension he was carrying on his body through physical exercise.

They hadn’t been rehearsing for more than half an hour when Nigel appeared again, with the same unfriendly expression from before. He didn’t even acknowledge that all the boys were there this time, and cleared his throat before speaking.

“Jason, may I speak with you privately, please?” he asked extremely politely.

Jason looked at Howard before moving, while everybody else remained absolutely still and quiet. Why would he want to talk to Jason, if he was the only one who had really wanted to work that day? And why hadn’t he told them off about shirking all day?

“I’ll go with you” Howard offered in a whisper.

“No, you won’t” he answered, whispering too. It was about enough that he had to go, he was not going to involve Howard too. “How, can you keep teaching these slackers to dance ‘til I come back?” He joke, aloud this time, so anyone could hear and nobody would guess how nervous he was feeling.

“Hey!” Robbie protested good-naturally and they all laughed, except for Howard, who could clearly see through his boyfriend’s pretence.

**********

Nigel took Jason to his room so they could speak privately. They both knew it was not going to be a pleasant conversation and neither wanted to cause a scene.

“Don’t you have something to tell me?” Nigel asked him as soon as he closed the door behind him, moving to stand in front of Jason with his arms folded, trying to look intimidating.

“No, you already know it. And considering how you set a trap to catch us, I’m guessing you already had your suspicions” Jason answered, wanting to look confident and not to give away his nervousness at the situation. He was not going to let himself be abused this time, he was tired of it.

“Oh, so you think that, on top of everything, you can be too clever by half. At least I would have expected some apology”

“I don’t have anything to apologize for, I’ve done nothing wrong”

“Oh, so shagging your band mate it’s a good thing now” Nigel replied sarcastically, already raising his voice.

“We are not shagging, as you call it, we are together” Jason answered, trying to keep calm.

“Oh really? How dreamy is that?” Nigel asked sardonically.

“Are you done now? I’ve got work to do” Jason said, turning to the door.

“I’m not even started, don’t you dare move one step to the door!” Nigel yelled at him, almost scaring Jason with his aggressiveness. “You know this is not allowed, don’t you?” Nigel tried to lower his voice again.

“We won’t do anything that could harm the band’s image or that can be bad for the band, and we’ll keep hiding it from the press, of course. Apart from that, we don’t care about your opinion”

“Really? Well, it’s not an opinion, it’s the rules. And well, you should care, considering your future in the band is in my hands”

“You know what, Nigel? Your threatening me to sack me is getting old, I’ve lost the count of how many times you’ve done that. Yet I’m still here, am I not?”

“My God, it seems your pretty little boyfriend has given you some confidence, hasn’t he?”

“Yes, in fact he has. He’s the best” Jason answered proudly.

“I’m surprised he is good enough for the mighty Jason Orange”

“I knew this was it. It doesn’t have anything to do with the band, this is about you”

“Don’t be stupid, are you implying I’m jealous of that brat?” Nigel asked, raising his voice again.

“I would ask you to leave Howard out of this, it’s not his fault you’re so spiteful”

“And shouldn’t I be? I offer you everything and you reject me, with the excuse it would feel strange working together. It doesn’t feel that strange with Howard, though, does it?”

“I told you that because I felt it, and because I didn’t want to be cruel, but you knew I didn’t like you”

“Do you know how humiliated I felt?” Jason could tell Nigel was livid with anger, but somehow he couldn’t bring himself to stop the conversation.

“Well, I’m sorry, I know you are used to have everything you want, but I was not going to be a part of something I didn’t want. And even if I did, it would have never worked out”

“But it works out with Howard?”

“Yeah, because I love him! And because with Howard we’re equals! I know you, you would use your power to do whatever you wanted with me! You do it all the time to bugger me about, you’re turning the band into a hell for me!”

“There’s a way to change that and you know it”

Jason stood speechless for a second, thunderstruck at Nigel’s insinuation.

“I can’t believe this”

“I could treat you like a king”

“I already told you, I love Howard! And even if I didn’t, I could never have anything with you knowing how you are and how little respect you have for me”

“You know I could give you so much more than Howard in every way...” Nigel said, advancing at Jason, but he recoiled enough not to be near him.

“Howard gives me everything I need and want, because he loves me and cares about me, which is much more than I can say about you!” Jason shouted at his face.

“Don’t you even dare to raise your voice at me!” Nigel yelled out him, completely out of his mind, as he advanced rapidly to him and lifted his arm as if to hit him, but he stopped himself at the last moment.

“You raise your hand to me again and I will smash your face in” Jason told him threateningly after he recovered from the shock of Nigel’s anger, and the latter turned away from him to calm himself down a little.

“I’ve had enough of this. From now on, everything’s over between Howard and you. No more room sharing, each of you will work on one half of the choreographies separately and I don’t want you alone together at any time”

“You don’t get to decide that” Jason answered with a humourless laugh.

“I can if it’s for the band’s sake!”

“The band’s or yours?”

“I said all I had to say. Now if you will please excuse me...” Nigel said, pushing Jason to the door, but Jason angrily pushed Nigel’s arm away for him and turned around to face him again.

“Don’t touch me! I’m not going to obey you on this! You have no control over my private life!”

“Oh dear, of course I do, you should know by now”

“You have no right” he muttered. “I’m not breaking up with him just because you damned well want to”

“No? Well, let’s put it this way: you end it up with Howard or I’ll throw him out of the band”

“What?” Jason was so shocked he couldn’t articulate any more words.

“According to you, he’s my competitor, isn’t he? So it’s logical I want him far away from you. You end it up with him or he’s out”

“You can’t do that” Jason was starting to be afraid Nigel would be true to his word, and Jason couldn’t let Howard paid the consequences of his meaningless war with Nigel.

 “Or you know what? I’m feeling generous today” Nigel told him with a smirk that made Jason’s heart contract. “I’ll give you another option. Let’s say I don’t mind sharing...”

“Excuse me?” Jason couldn’t believe his ears.

“You can keep having your stupid relationship as long as you give me what I want too”

“I can’t believe this...” Jason whispered, shaking his head.

“Well, what’s it going to be?”

“I’m out of the band”

“What?”

“I said I’m out of the band!” Jason yelled at him, and pointed a finger to his face. “You’ll never get anything of that sort out of me, even if it costs me my stay on the band. I hate you, Nigel Martin-Smith. I’m glad I won’t have to see you anymore”

And with that, Jason turned around and stomped out of the room, leaving a shocked and speechless Nigel trying to figure out how he had not got away with his plans. He had underestimated the feelings between Jason and Howard and it all had blown up on his face.

**********

“Hey, boys” Howard told the other three, as he was becoming more nervous by the minute at how long it was taking Jason to come back. “Could you keep practising without me for a while?”

“Are you going to check up on Jay?” Gary asked, astute as ever.

“Um... yeah, I’m kind of worried about this conversation with Nigel” Howard was forced to admit.

“Yeah, I’m worried too” Gary answered, getting some pressure out of Howard as to why should he be so worried about a band mate. “Go then, and tell us about it later”

“Thank you, guys. I’ll be right back”

**********

Jason walked fast towards his room, practically running down the hall as he felt tears stinging in his eyes, ready to fall. It was not until he was at the other side of the door that he let them go down his cheeks, but he didn’t take the time to feel sorry for himself as he took his suitcase from the closet and opened it on his bed to start filling it up with all his things.

**********

Howard knew there was something going on in an instant as he opened the door to their bedroom: there were clothes everywhere, shoes thrown in the middle of the bed... And for once, they weren’t his –he was quite a chaos whenever they travelled. They were Jason’s. Obsessively tidy and order-freak Jason. Something must be wrong... And then he heard Jason sniffle and his worst suspicions were confirmed: definitely something had to be dead wrong to make Jason sob.

Howard hurried to the space between the two beds were Jason was standing. His suitcase was open on his bed and he was just throwing things at it with no particular order, as the back of his hand went to his eyes to furiously clean the tears that kept falling without him being able to do anything about it. He had not even noticed Howard standing there, as he moved like a madman grabbing things from around the room to pack them. Howard put his hand on the small of Jason’s back to get his attention, but Jason didn’t stop what he was doing.

“Hey, sweetie, what’s wrong?” Howard asked softly. The only answer he got was a stifled sob. Howard knew he had to try again. “What happened? What are you doing?”

“I’m leaving” Jason answered with a broken voice, not lifting his gaze from the suitcase.

“What? Where are you going?” Howard tried to understand Jason’s evident affected state and the meaning of his departing. “When are you coming back?”

“I’m not coming back, How. I’m leaving the band”

“What?” Howard exclaimed, astonished, as he gently but strongly grabbed Jason’s arm and forced him to turn around and face him. “What do you mean you’re leaving the band?”

To Howard’s surprise, Jason just started sobbing violently, so he could only take him in his arms and cradle his head to his own shoulder, lovingly stroking his hair.

“I just can’t take it anymore, How!” Jason cried as he clung to Howard as if his life depended on it.

“Schtt, easy, love. Calm down, please, and explain everything to me” Howard told him calmly as he made him sit down on the bed and he sat with him, not losing the embrace.

“He was so angry about us being together, so resentful... You should have seen him, he was completely out of his mind, he even was close to hit me”

“If he had done hit you, I would have killed him” Howard murmured as he caressed Jason’s hair.

“He just won’t accept it, How, I know he won’t”

“So he threw you out of the band?”

“Not exactly, I resigned”

“But Jay, you can’t go, we’ll fix it somehow. There must be a way to make an agreement with him...”

“Oh, he was nice enough to give me other options” Jason told him, sarcastically. “I can either break up with you, which means no more room sharing, no time for the two of us on our own, nor even working together on the choreographies. And that is not an option for us, we already agreed on that, didn’t we? Other option is throwing you out of the band, which is completely out of question too. And the last one is...” Jason suddenly stopped himself. He shouldn’t have said anything, Howard was going to be furious.

“Which is the last one?” Howard asked, grabbing lovingly Jason’s hand, praying it was not what he was fearing.

“Or I could sleep with him” Jason said softly, ashamedly.

“I’m going to kill him!” Howard angrily yelled, already standing up, but Jason grabbed his arm to stop him and made him sit down again.

“You will not do such a thing! If you fight him he’ll sack you, and that’s what I’m trying to avoid!”

“You won’t accept that, will you?” Howard asked him, terrified Jason would even think about it.

“Of course not, who do you take me for?” Jason answered kind of offended, which made Howard sighed, relieved.  “That’s why I’m leaving the band!”

“I can’t let you make this sacrifice for me” Howard  said sadly, although he knew Jason and knew that once his mind was made up about something, there was no turning back.

“So you should do it for me? I told you from the beginning that I wouldn’t let you be dragged into this war. Plus it’s not just that anymore, okay? I just can’t stand it anymore, I can’t keep been around him”

“I don’t want to lose you” Howard told him a lonely tear falling unannounced down his cheek.

“And you won’t!” Jason was quick to promise, grabbing both Howard’s hands in his. “I’m leaving the band, not you. I want you to go on and have a lot of success and then every time you get home I will be waiting for you, if that’s what you want”

“I don’t think I can’t do this without you” the sadness in Howard’s voice was so palpable that Jason felt he could almost touch it.

“Of course you can, you’re so talented... You only need to trust yourself a little more and you’ll do great. Make me proud out there, okay?” Jason told him with a smile, making the biggest effort on his life not to cry; he had to be strong for Howard now.

“I can’t believe this is ending like this”

“The only thing that is ending is my presence on the band. Not us. Not in a million years. You and I will go on for as long as you want us to” Jason assured him as he kissed him deeply, making sure to put all his love on that kiss for Howard to feel it and be reassured by it.

Howard returned the kiss with fervour, tears falling down his cheeks unnoticed. Then he just looked at Jason in the eye for a second, kissed one of his hands and moved to the door without saying a word. He wouldn’t stay there watching Jason, in the room they had shared as a couple for weeks and where they had made love for the first time, packing his things to leave forever.


	15. Chapter 15

 

Howard didn’t know what to do, where to go, to control all the emotions swirling around his heart. He finally decided to make his way down to the gym again, feeling downcast and tired. He really needed not to be alone at the moment or he knew he would sink. Maybe some work would be good for him, as well as the company. Moreover, someone had to tell the other boys about Jason’s leaving, and better be himself than Nigel, that would surely turn it all around to make it look like it was Jason’s fault.

When he arrived to the gym and saw that Nigel was there too, talking to the boys, who were sitting on the floor in front of him, and acting as if both Howard’s and Jason’s hearts hadn’t been broken down to pieces, he felt a blinding anger starting to burn in his guts as nothing he had ever felt before, a horrible fury threatening to take control of him.

“Have you told them already?” Howard practically yelled at Nigel as he reached the group.

“Would you mind keeping it down?” Nigel replied, not wanting to talk about this in front of the others. At least not until Jason was packed and gone. “Let’s talk outside, if you want...”

“The hell I do! Guys, did he tell you?” Howard asked his band mates.

“Tell us what?” Robbie asked, completely perplexed at Howard’s attitude, as were the other two boys.

“Do you know where Jay is right now? Upstairs, packing his luggage. He’s quit the band”

“What?” Gary said, standing up from the floor abruptly. “Why?”

“Why? Because of this... person” Howard pointed at Nigel, trying his best not to insult him “has been making his life miserable for some time now, and Jay can’t take it anymore”

“Nigel?” Gary looked at him, not wanting to believe it.

“Is the little princess upset because I’ve told him some things he needed to hear?” Nigel asked, with a sarcastic cruelty that surprised even Howard.

Howard didn’t realise he had grabbed Nigel’s collar with his fists and was shaking the smaller man until he felt Robbie’s and Gary’s arms around him, trying to disentangle him from their manager.

“Don’t you dare insult him on top of everything!” he yelled at him, pointing his finger at him threateningly when Gary and Robbie had taken him a few steps back.

But Nigel just smiled that wicked grin of his, because he could see he had pretty much achieved his goal: to hurt the two lovebirds. Yes, they had lost Jason in the process, and he would be difficult to replace as the great dancer and choreographer that he was. But Nigel was sure that Jason would regret his decision and come back begging on his knees to accept him back. And then Nigel would have him completely under his control.

“I’ve done nothing, he’s the one that resigned. If that’s how much he cares about the band let him go, we don’t need him”

“But Nigel, we can’t do this without him” Gary intervened.

“Yes, we are all in this together” Mark insisted.

“Boys, as sweet and romantic as all of this is, we can and we will, ‘cause that’s what he decided, not me. He’s the one who gives a shit if we can do this without him or not” Gary grabbed Howard’s arm strongly, feeling he was about to jump again. “Now go and say your goodbyes to him if you want, and then come back here and start working. You shirked enough for one day” Nigel told them and left the room, leaving the four boys standing there, not knowing what to say.

“Howard” Robbie said, as if asking him to do something, but Howard was still trying to placate the fury inside him.

“We have to do something. Have you talked to Jason, Howard?” Mark asked, visibly affected.

“Yes, I’ve talked to him, there’s no way he’s going to change his mind” Howard answered sadly.

“I can’t believe he’s leaving us in the lurch just before a tour, how can he be so selfish?” Robbie asked to no one in particular, though Howard felt it like a knife to his heart.

“And how can you speak so easily about something you have no idea of?” Howard asked, clearly disgusted at Robbie’s words.

“Howard, do you know why is he leaving? I know he would never do something like that without a good reason, he cares too much about it” Gary implored to know, to be able to understand. He had a very high opinion of Jason, he cared about him deeply, and it was not only for the band’s sake that he was very sorry to lose him.

Howard hesitated for a second, dying to tell them about everything Jason had gone through because of Nigel, but he knew it was not his decision to make, and Jason only wanted to protect them. Even if he didn’t agree with it, and he didn’t, he couldn’t betray Jason’s trust.

“It’s not my place to talk” Howard said with a sigh. “But please, believe me when I tell you he is doing it for the band’s sake. He’s not being selfish, I swear”

“Howard, we know” Mark reassured him laying a hand on his shoulder.

“Yes, Howard, I’m sorry” Robbie apologized. “I didn’t mean what I just said, I was just... too surprised about everything”

“Then please, it’s hard enough for him to do this, don’t make it any difficult for him”

“We won’t, Dougie” Gary promised in the name of the three of them.

“I guess... we should go and say goodbye to him, right?” Mark suggested in a thin voice and, even if none of the others answered, they all knew what they had to do and moved to the hotel’s entrance to wait for Jason to come down.

**********

It was not much later when Jay appeared with his full suitcase, with the intention of saying goodbye to them all and then leaving to the airport on his own. When he got out from the elevator to the entrance, he found all his band mates were sitting there, as he had expected. He could see Nigel was nowhere to be seen and he breathed gratefully; it would be easier this way. He tried to hide it, but all of them could see he had been crying by the redness of his eyes and nose. Howard’s heart was breaking at seeing him like this and at knowing he was going away.

“Well, guys, I guess Howard has already told you” he told them in the most firm voice he was able to offer.

Gary stood up from his seat and moved to Jason to put his hand over Jason’s arm.

“Jay, don’t go, please”

“I have to, Gaz, I’m sorry”

“But whatever it is, I’m sure we can help” Mark offered, getting up from his seat too to stand next to him.

“Thank you, Markie, but there’s nothing you can do”

“But what is that is so serious that you feel you have to leave the band?” Robbie asked, still not been able to understand.

“It’s just... Nigel and me have... differences that are too big to overcome. I know I’ve failed you, but please, don’t be angry at me, boys. I’m so sorry” Jason pleaded for them to understand, his eyes shining with unshed tears.

“I don’t know how, but you’re doing this for us, aren’t you?” Gary asked him, astute as ever. Jason didn’t answer, but the look he gave Gary was answer enough for him.

“I’m going to miss you, guys” Jason told them with a sad smile, and Mark couldn’t stand it anymore and threw himself in Jason’s arms.

“It’s not going to be the same without you” Mark told him, and Jason only nodded and squeezed Mark, unable to articulate any word.

Then Robbie threw his arms around both of them and kissed Jason’s cheek.

“Take care, mate” he said, and Jason nodded again.

The next one in line to say goodbye was Gary, and he waited for Mark and Robbie to let go of him and embraced him tightly, extremely sad about letting him go.

“I’m sorry, mate, I wish it could be different” he told him sincerely.

“I know. Please, Gaz, take care of Howard, this is going to be very difficult for him” He asked Gary with a whisper to his ear, knowing he could count on him.

“Of course, mate” Gary promised, as he squeezed Jason’s tightly, not been able to believe he was leaving.

Jason looked at the last one of his band mates, the one he could not really say goodbye to. He was on the verge of tears again, but he didn’t want to let them fall in front of everyone. Howard, who knew Jason better than he knew himself, could see it so he swiftly moved to him and enveloped him in a strong embrace, so Jason was able to hide his face on Howard’s neck.

“I love you” Jason simply whispered to him, knowing that everything else had been said, that no more words were needed between them, as finally the tears found his way down Jason’s cheeks.

Howard caressed the back of Jason’s head in their embrace a little too lovingly, but he couldn’t care less. He was busy trying not to cry himself.

“I love you too” Howard whispered back, shakily.

“I’ll wait for you” Jason promised.

“And I’ll come back to you” Howard promised back, squeezing his lover to his chest tightly one last time.

Finally they separated from their embrace and Howard brought his thumb to Jason’s face to catch the tears still making their way through his face. Jason smiled and caught Howard’s hand and squeezed it for a second, before reluctantly letting go of it and grabbing his suitcase to go.

“Ok, boys, if you’re done with your goodbyes we have work to do” Nigel told them unemotionally as he passed them by on his way to the gym, not even looking at Jason or showing any empathy to the sadness around.

That what the last straw for Howard, the thing that made his blood boil to the point nothing could have stopped him from saying all the things he had been forced to hide in the last weeks. The fact that there was Jason, sacrificing his dreams with the band and with Howard just because of that poor excuse of a man who couldn’t even take their pain seriously, clouded his sense. Enough is enough, he thought, as he gently grabbed Jason’s arm to stop him from leaving and raised his voice to be sure every one of them would hear.

“You know what? I’m sorry, Jay, I know you don’t want me to do this, but I can’t let everything end like this” he looked at Jason, pleading for him to forgive him for what he was about to do. Then he turned to their manager, deadly serious and threatening and his gaze immediately transformed from love to disgust. “Nigel, I think we all are going to have a long talk”


	16. Chapter 16

“Excuse me?” Nigel asked cheekily as ever, but Howard knew that on this occasion it was some kind of dread that was making him act like that.

“You’ve heard me” Howard answered, cheekily as well. “This has gone far enough”

Jason grabbed Howard’s arm to get his attention.

“How, no, please” he whispered to his ear, not wanting anyone else to hear.

“I have to do this, Jay. I hope you will be able to forgive me” Howard whispered back, not taking his gaze of Nigel.

“If this is about Jason’s leaving...” Nigel tried again to defuse the situation.

“Believe me, this is about much more than that” Howard answered confidently, and Jason let go of him as he sighed and closed his eyes, because he knew Howard and he knew there was no way to stop that now.

“I have nothing to say to you” Nigel answered, turning his back to them to go, searching for escape routes.

“That’s great, because I just need you to listen” Howard raised his voice enough for retreating Nigel to hear him and to make him understand he was going to cause a scene, so he would be forced to stay.

“Will you keep it down?” he grumbled, approaching them again.

“Should we go to the gym to have some privacy?”

“I’m not going...”

“It’s either going to be there or here, you choose” Howard interrupted him unashamedly. “I mean it” he threatened when he sensed the hesitation on the smaller man.

“Ok, let’s go to the gym, you and I”

“Oh no, no, no, no, we are all going” it almost looked like Howard was enjoying the situation.

Nigel was fuming, but he was very conscious of the impossibility of avoiding that confrontation anymore, so he started walking towards the gym, and the boys followed. The only one who didn’t move was Jason, who remained deathly still.

“Love?” Howard called him, tentatively.

Jason didn’t answer but looked at Howard intently, as if he was trying to decide if he should kiss Howard or slap him on the back of his neck.

“Please?” Howard insisted, afraid that if he let Jason out of his sight he would turn away and leave forever. Howard offered his hand to him and, after a moment’s hesitation, Jason took it and entwined their fingers together, making Howard smile in relief. It was hand in hand that they made their way to the gym, where the others were already waiting for them.

**********

When Howard and Jason entered the gym (not holding hands anymore, of course), the other four were already standing there: three of them looking very confused; the other, scared.

“Ok, Howard, so what is this all about?” Mark asked, on behalf of everyone.

“I just can’t let Jay sacrifice everything for the sake of everybody...” Howard pleaded for them to understand.

“Sacrifice? He just resigned because he wanted” Nigel contradicted him.

“He resigned because he can’t stand the threats and bullying and... the other stuff anymore” Howard answered, for now keeping it quiet about the more delicates parts in case they weren’t necessary.

“Threads? I have to tell him if he isn’t giving the best of himself, right?”

Howard laughed a humourless laugh and decided to attack directly.

“So Nigel, let me tell you one thing. I know we have a contract with you, and you have more power over us than usually managers do”

“Glad to know you aware of that”

“But that doesn’t mean we can’t fire you”

“You can’t...”

“Oh, yes we can, let me finish and you’ll see. We can just stop working for you. Will we have to indemnify you because of breach of contract? Probably. But we’ll keep working together as a band, with a less bastard manager, and when the sentence about your compensation comes out we will be much richer than we are now, and we’ll just pay it while we keep succeeding. We are on our way to be very big and you know it. So let me put it this way: either Jason stays with no conditions and your attitude towards him changes drastically, or you’re out”

“Oh, it’s a nice plan, really is, but I think that’s a band’s decision, isn’t it?” Nigel counterattacked.

“Of course it is. So boys, do you agree with that?”

The other three just didn’t know what to say. Of course they wanted Jason to stay, and they knew too that Nigel treated him worse than the others, but they were not sure if it was as bad as for them to get rid of Nigel. Maybe Nigel was right, and Jason simply didn’t like being told when he was not doing something right.

“Oh, it looks like you haven’t got all the support you expected” Nigel asked him, mockingly.

“Why don’t we explain everything to them and let them decide?” Howard asked him back in the same tone, understanding that this was the only way for the other boys to understand how harmful Nigel really was and what a sacrifice Jason was doing for all of them.

“You won’t do that” Nigel said with a grin, too confident.

“You wanna see?”

“You can’t explain because your own secret would come to light too” Nigel explained, feeling very proud of himself.

Howard smiled as if he was accepting a challenge. He turned to come closer to a clearly stunned Jason and then, to everyone’s surprise –including Jason’s– he cupped Jason’s cheeks with his hands and captured his lips in a quick but loving kiss, full of love and pride. Everyone was left speechless even after the kiss broke, so Howard just grabbed Jason’s hand with his own and turned to them to clarify something.

“Jay and I are together and have been for some time. We understand we can’t show it to the world right now and we won’t, but we’re not going to pretend around you anymore. I love him and he loves me, and that’s all that matters to us. So if anybody has a problem with that, he would better say it now” Howard defied them with a security he wasn’t feeling, but squeezed Jason’s hand to show him they were together in this, that they were together in everything that affected one of them.

Obviously, still in shock, none of the others were able to say anything. But it was clear to them all that nobody had a problem with them being together.

“Ok, that was our secret. Now yours. Do you want to do the honours or should I?” Howard asked Nigel, knowing he was the one who had the upper hand now.

“I think that’s enough of this nonsense, boys. Ok, Jason can stay and we’ll forget all about this. Let’s leave it here” Nigel tried to defuse the situation.

“The hell we will, you brought this on yourself. Boys, do you know why Nigel wants to hurt Jay so much?”

“How, there’s no need for that” Jay softly told him, squeezing his hand.

“Yes, there is, Jay. We have to finish with this, one way or another. You’re not going to pay for that man’s sins anymore” he tried to reason with his boyfriend.

“Jay, don’t try to protect us anymore from the truth, if that’s what you are doing. We want to know” Gary simply told him, understanding Jason’s reticence but really wanting to clear everything up.

Howard looked at his boyfriend with pleading eyes and Jason finally nodded, trusting Howard a hundred per cent.

“Think about what you are doing to the band” Nigel warned him, desperately to stop it.

“That’s what you should have thought before doing everything you did. Boys, the reason Nigel treats Jay as he does is pure spite, because he made a move on him and was rejected”

The mouths of the other three boys fell open without them even being conscious of it. They would have never thought the conversation would take this direction and now they were dreading what would be coming next.

“And that is not even the worst of it” Howard continued, and no force would have been able to stop him now that he had started, as he had wanted to do that for a long time. “When he found out about me and Jay this afternoon he was so jealous and angry that wanted me out of the band, and would only let me stay under one of two possibilities: either Jason broke up with me to the point we wouldn’t even work on the choreographies together, or...” for the first time since he had started talking, he hesitated. Not because he wanted to protect Nigel’s name, nothing further from the truth, but because it was difficult for him to even talk about it, and because it was something very embarrassing to Jason too, and he didn’t want to make him go through that. Jason felt Howard’s hesitation and understood it, so he squeezed his hand to show him his gratitude and love for his protection, but now it was his turn.

“Or I could keep dating Howard as long as I let Nigel shag me. That’s why I had to resign” Jason explained the boys, not trying to diminish the impact of it with euphemisms. His gaze had been on Nigel unblinkingly as he pronounced the words he had not wanted for anyone to know, though the truth was that he was feeling kind of liberated now.

“Son of a bitch” Robbie couldn’t stop his tongue.

“How could you?” Gary asked, astounded, for he had always been the one who had trusted their manager the most, sometimes even defending him. He felt betrayed, and infuriated because of what he had done to Jason.

“So this guy throws such an accusation and you believe him like that? It’s his word against mine!” Nigel protested.

“Nigel, if you think for one minute we are going to believe you over Jay...” Gary answered with a humourless laugh.

“Jay, if you want us to sack him right away just say the word” Mark intervened, feeling sorry he had doubted Jason just a few minutes ago.

“No, boys. It’s not my decision to make. We are a band, we are in this together. You don’t have to do this for me” Jason told them sincerely, and Howard squeezed his hand before ending the conversation.

“Ok, if everyone agrees, we are not getting rid of you for now. We are not stupid, we know you are good for the business. But that’s your last chance, you act like that with Jay, or anyone else for that matter, and you’re out in a heartbeat. And you know we’ll do it. You’re the only one who’s replaceable here. Did I make myself clear?”

“And you know what, Nigel?” Robbie said. “I don’t feel like being around you today, so I think we’ll skip rehearsals today. Don’t you think, boys?”

“Absolutely! I hope you don’t have the guts to appear at dinner tonight” Mark told Nigel, obviously disgusted towards him, and followed the boys to the door.

Howard waited a second until he saw that all the other boys were far enough for them to hear him and turned to Nigel again, who was looking quite lost and small, standing in the middle of the gym.

“Watch it, Nigel” Howard whispered to him. “You’ve seen what I’m capable of for him. You do one more thing to him, however ridiculous is it, and you’ll have me to answer to”

“You don’t have the right...” Nigel answered, trying to regain some of the authority he had so clearly lost, but Howard didn’t even let him finish.

“You’ve been warned” Howard answered threateningly, before turning away from him and moving to where Jason and the other boys were waiting for him. He put his hand to the small of Jason’s back and kissed his cheek before gently pushing him through the door.

“Ok, so now that you’re together we’re going to have to watch this all the time?” Robbie asked, walking behind them.

Mark gave him a playful slap on the back of his head.

“Shut up, you moron. It’s beautiful!”

**********

Just as they left the gym and reached the common room, Jason turned to them all with gratitude and happiness shining in his eyes.

“Boys, thank you, I don’t know how I’ll ever thank you enough for this...”

“You should have told us, Jay” Gary affectionately scolded him, and both Mark and Robbie nodded.

“I didn’t want to force you into taking part in this, into making a decision”

“It was not even a decision in the first place. We know you. We love you. As you said, we are in this together” Gary assured, putting his arm around Jason’s shoulder.

“You guys are...” Jason couldn’t find the words to express his immense gratitude at their trust in him.

“Aww, how sweet, I didn’t think we’d see the day when Jason would be left speechless!” Mark joked to give Jason a respite to compose himself, and all of them laughed.

“How about a group hug?” Robbie asked.

“I’m totally in the mood for a group hug” Gary answered, already moving his arm to Jason’s waist as the others wrapped their arms around them in a collective embrace, everybody taking advantage of the situation to plant sloppy kisses on Jason’s cheeks.

“Get off, you’re drooling all over me” Jason yelled, but couldn’t help laughing at his friend’s antics.

“And when... how...?” Mark tried to ask when they separated, but didn’t seem to find the courage. Jason, though, understood what he meant immediately and gave him a big smile as he grabbed Howard’s hand and brought it to his chest.

“Not too long and... it just happened” Jason gazed adoringly at Howard, who smiled at him just as adoringly.

“You know what?” Gary told them. “Now I’ve overcome the shock of finding out, I have to say I’m not really that surprised”

“You know what?” Howard intervened, laughing. “Me neither”

“Please!” Robbie broke the moment. “I think I’m turning diabetic with so much sugar in here” Jason smiled embarrassedly, but Howard just grinned unashamedly. “What should we do now, with the rest of the afternoon off? Somebody up for some table football?”

“Sure!” Mark immediately agreed.

“I have to unpack” Jason informed, gently refusing Robbie’s offer.

“I’ll go with you” Howard immediately offered, and Jason smiled at him.

“Ok, I just realised what I’m going to be imagining you’re doing every time you two go to your room, and I’m not sure I like the image” Gary groaned, jokingly.

“Believe me, you can’t even imagine half of what goes on in that room” Jason joked back, provoking a collective laugh before he offered his hand to Howard and they together entered the elevator.

**********

Needless to say that the two young lovers were up to a little celebrating when they reached the room. Later, seeing as they still had some time before dinner, they lazily cuddled down in Howard’s bed, Jason’s suitcase still untouched on his own bed.

“I still can’t believe how everything turned up” Jason told him, raising his head from Howard’s chest to look at his face.

“I know” Howard smiled at him, not stopping his caresses all the way up and down Jason’s spine. “It couldn’t have gone any better”

“I should be angry at you” Jason scolded him, but the smile on his lips and the loving gaze in his eyes belied his words.

“I know, but I was hoping you would forgive me when you realised we would be sleeping together for a long time instead of spending the nights missing each other” Howard answered lifting his head enough to kiss the tip of Jason’s nose.

“That’s a good reason to forgive you, that’s true” Jason said, resting his head again on Howard’s chest, hiding his face from him when he felt tears he didn’t really understand springing to his eyes. Howard just kept idly stroking his bare back until Jason couldn’t stop a revealing sniff.

“Hey, what’s wrong, sweetie?” Howard asked, immediately concerned.

“Nothing”

“What do you mean “nothing”?” Howard asked him, sitting up and bringing Jason up with him, gently lifting Jason’s head so he could cup his cheeks and see his face. “Why are you crying”?

“I don’t know” Jason answered, smiling stupidly. “I guess too many emotions today”

Howard smiled fondly at him and put his arms around Jason’s back to hold him tight in a bear hug.

“You silly thing...” he told him, placing a chaste kiss on his cheek.

“I feel so happy... Just a few hours ago I was packing to go back home and away from you, and the band was over for me... And now here I am, in your arms once again and...” An uninvited sob didn’t let him continue and Howard just squeezed him harder to his chest.

“I know, I understand, you don’t have to explain. If you had gone, I would probably be the one crying in this bed right now”

“These are happy tears, though, you know that, don’t you?”

“Of course I do, honey” Howard told him with a laugh as he broke the embrace and looked at Jason’s face, drying his tears with his thumbs.

“What you did for me... Thank you” Jason told him, simply, but the sentiment behind those words was enough to fill Howard’s heart.

“You’re welcome” he answered with a loving smile, capturing his lips in a slow kiss that lingered.

“Now I really have to unpack” Jason mumbled against Howard’s lips after a moment.

“You really know what a man wants to hear in bed” Howard joked, making Jason chuckle.

“I’m sorry, but I didn’t pack in a very tidy way, and I can feel all my clothes getting rumpled and I can’t stand it anymore” Jason told him, planting a kiss on Howard’s cheek and getting up to start with his task, as Howard put his arms behind his head and laid back on the bed.

“You could help me, you know” Jason suggested.

“No, I pretty much prefer watching you move all around the room stark naked” Howard answered, naughtily.

Jason smiled at him, slightly blushed.

“Pervert” he accused him.

“Always”

“I’m getting dressed”

“What a pity, then”

“You could go and have a shower meanwhile, ‘cause you stink and it’s almost time for dinner”

“Aw, I love it when you get all romantic” Howard joked, making Jason laugh, and he got up to obey his boyfriend, slapping him on the rear as he passed him by.

Jason, though, gently grabbed Howard’s arm and made him turn around.

“I love you” he told him, honestly, all joking forgotten.

Howard just smiled and cupped Jason’s cheeks to capture his lips in a kiss.

“I love you too”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is the last one! I hope you enjoyed it!


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the last one!! How sad!! :( I warn you, it's just a little silly thing that will work as an epilogue. Very little and very silly, really, but well... that's all I have to offer! So enjoy!

_November, 1993_

The hotel in Bournemouth they would be sleeping for the next four nights was cosy and beautiful, they all agreed. This time around they got to have a room for each one, as _Relight my fire_ , released in October, had been number one for two weeks, and their new album,  _Everything Changes,_ was doing great on the charts too. They were making themselves a name even abroad, and quite a lot of money, so they could begin spending a little bit more on their comfort. Jason and Howard, though, had immediately informed the others that they wanted to share a room, but Nigel –who didn’t have the same authority over them than before– had flatly opposed to that at first, arguing it would be suspicious if two of the band mates shared a room and the rest didn’t. Jason had made it quite clear that they would be sleeping together no matter what, and that it was absurd to pay for two rooms when they were going to use just one. So Nigel had relented, but had made sure to book a room with two beds instead of a king-sized one, just  to annoy them. So that was why all the boys had had a good laugh when they went to the room and found that both beds were king-sized. Boys 1 – Nigel 0.

The night before the first show on Bournemouth, after dinner, the boys were all spending some time together on Jason and Howard’s room, trying not to fret too much about the tour they would be starting the following day. The day before a tour, when everything was supposed to be ready but then nothing seemed to be, was always a very stressful and worrying day, so they decided to spend the evening together, just talking and joking, helping each other relax.

Gary was perched on one of the big beds’ head border, as Robbie laid on his side at the foot of the bed. Mark was sitting on an armchair, with his feet on the other bed, as Howard and Jason sat side by side with his back to the head border, Howard’s arm around Jason. Now the boys knew about them, Howard and Jason had relaxed very much about his fear of being caught, and would often be seen sitting impossibly close together or holding hands (always careful that no one, apart from Take That, would see, of course), though never too much so as not to make the others uncomfortable.

“I can’t wait to see you in that dress tomorrow, Jay” Robbie laughed, talking about the outfit Jason would be wearing to play Olivia Newton-John.

“Yes, Jay, you’ve kept it very well hidden” Gary intervened.

“Well, you’re not supposed to see it ‘till the show, it brings bad luck” Jason answered.

“That’s for brides on their weddings, I don’t think it applies to transvestism” Mark joked.

“No? Well, then, it doesn’t matter, you won’t see it until tomorrow anyway” Jason answered with a big smile.

“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you? I wish you loved every part of the show as much as this one and gave it as much dedication” Gary told him, with mocking severity. “Have you practised enough with your guitar for  _Babe_?”

“He sure has” Howard answered proudly, as he took Jason’s hand to show them to the boys. “His fingers are all red and row. They were practically bleeding last night”

“Don’t mind him, he says that ‘cause he has the feeling I’ve been spending more time with my guitar than with him lately” Jason answered with a joking smile, even as he planted a kiss on Howard’s cheek.

“Well, you have” Howard answered with a smile of his own.

“Well, as sweet, or disgusting, as seeing you two snogging each other is, I think we should call it a night, shouldn’t we, boys?” Gary, always the responsible, told the others.

“Yes, we have a lot to do tomorrow: rehearsing, sound checking... and oh yes! A concert!” Robbie joked as he stood up to leave with Mark and Gary, and Jason accompanied them to the door.

“Behave, you two” Mark said from the door at Jason and Howard, making both of them laugh.

“We will, don’t worry. Good night, boys” Jason told them, as they went.

Jason closed the door behind him when the boys had left and turned to face Howard again, who hadn’t moved from his sitting position at all and was smiling at him. Jason made his way to the bed and straddled Howard’s legs to sit on his lap, facing him, and lent over to put his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and kiss him sweetly; and then, when the kiss broke, Jason rested his head on Howard’s shoulder, never letting go of him. Howard brought his arms around Jason’s back to hold him tight and smiled at him.

“You’re fretting about tomorrow, aren’t you?” Howard asked him fondly, knowing his boyfriend very well and how nervous he got before any show.

Jason only made an affirming sound, but didn’t move at all, nestled in Howard’s chest and shoulder as he was. Howard chuckled at him and stroked his back rhythmically, making Jason purr in bliss, so Howard knew he was helping.

“You know” Howard started, naughtily, even as he was lifting Jason’s t-shirt to continue his stroking directly on Jason’s skin “there are ways to make you forget about everything for awhile and make your nerves go away...”

“I love it when you try to be subtle, love” Jason answered, laughter on his voice. “But none of that today, mister, we have to be rested and fresh tomorrow” he told his lover, lifting his head from Howard’s shoulder to look at him and kiss him deeply again.

“Ok, if you don’t want me to jump on you then you have to stop kissing me like that”

Jason chuckled but obeyed, and contented himself to play with the growing hair on the back of Howard’s neck, not moving from his lap.

“Everything will go smoothly tomorrow, you’ll see” Howard tried to reassure Jason, resting his hands on his boyfriend’s waist.

“I know. I’m not really worried, just... nervous”

“Can I do something about it?”

“Just... talk to me”

“Ok, then let me ask you something. Why do you love the rock ‘n’ roll section so much? I mean, I know that you’ve loved it even before it came to be, but why is it so special to you?”

Jason smiled goofily.

“Because it’s what brought us together”

“How?”

“Wow, how romantic of you for forgetting about it!” Jason joked, playfully slapping Howard’s chest.

“I was kidding, you silly” Howard replied, kissing Jason’s nose. “But I would love to hear you reminding me”

“Well, we were here practising for it, you clumsily dropped me...”

“Because you didn’t jump correctly, if I remember correctly”

“You dropped me” Jason insisted. “You got me hurt and then you were feeling incredibly guilty...”

“The truth is I was feigning feeling guilty, ‘cause I obviously wanted to get you into bed” Howard joked, very aware that Jason knew better than that.

“Well, you didn’t, I seem to remember we never made it to the bed...” Jason joked, making Howard laugh wholeheartedly and bring Jason back to his chest to squeeze him tightly. “But I don’t think I have to tell you the rest. You were there, after all” Jason mischievously replied.

“I surely was” Howard told him with a grin, caressing the top of his head. “But until now I hadn’t realised you liked that part of the show so much because of that. You’re quite a romantic”

“Yeah, and you are not” Jason started kissing Howard’s neck from his position on his chest, at first jokingly, but then more hungrily until he reached his mouth and kissed him breathlessly as he started undoing the buttons on Howard’s shirt, making the latter smile.

“I thought we were supposed to sleep” he mumbled against Jason’s lips.

“Yeah, well, I don’t think I’m going to be able to sleep anyway, so we better make the most of it, don’t you think?” Jason answered, having already undone Howard’s shirt, and he started kissing his way down his chest.

“No objections on my part” Howard answered, his voice hoarse with lust, proceeding to lift Jason’s T-shirt over his arms and head to caress the soft skin of his back.

**********

The day had flown by way too fast and the hour of the concert had arrived. The first part of the show, greatly filled with Jason and Howard choreographies, had gone great, and the audience had laughed like crazy with the whole  _Whatever you do to me_  gangster thing.

Now the time for Jason’s favourite part had come, he thought as he couldn’t stop a nervous grin breaking in his lips that didn’t go unnoticed to his boyfriend, as they waited into their 50’s costumes for their cue to appear.

“Nervous?” Howard told Jason, while holding his hand.

Jason slightly shook his head in negation, smiling all the way.

“Excited”

Howard grinned at him, gladly to see him this happy after everything he had had to go through thanks to Nigel.

“Don’t drop me out there!” Jason told him, only half joking. Howard smiled at him, and rubbed his bare shoulder reassuringly.

“And you be careful not to hurt my privates when you pretend to kick me”

“Oh, you know I would never hurt your privates, I’d be as lost out as you”

Howard laughed wholeheartedly and gave Jason a quick peck on the lips.

“It feels weird kissing you while you’re in a dress and a wig” Howard explained amusedly, making Jason chuckle.

“Ok, that’s your cue! Go!” Jason said, gently pushing him forwards but then regretting it. “Wait!”

“What?” Howard asked in a rush, confused.

“I love you! Now go!” Jason urged him with his hands.

Howard smiled and sent him a kiss from where he was standing.

“Love you too!” and then he was out the curtain to perform the most important dance of all: the one that had brought them together.

  
**THE END (for now)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> I've got two more donage stories, though they don't have anything to do with this. They're completely AU and very very dramatic. I don't know wether to publish them here, 'cause I don't know if they are worth it. If anyone is interested in reading them, please let me know!


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